[4515] in Depressing_Thoughts
Re: What do people want out of relationships?
jcb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (jcb@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Apr 19 00:34:10 1994
I can sympathize. I've seen this problem from both ends.
I think everyone needs to feel loved in some way. It's sad that you
needed someone else to make you feel validated, but lots of us have been
through that. It's not wrong to need to feel loved. The time it causes
problems is when this need makes you believe you're in love with someone
when you actually aren't.
My list of things to look for in a lasting relationship are the
following (in no particular order):
COMPATIBLE VALUES: values, as I use the term here, are the things each
person *needs* to feel (or needs *not to feel*) on a regular basis.
COMPATIBLE GOALS: e.g. if one person wants to have children and the
other does not, this is an incompatible goal.
SIMILAR AND COMPATIBLE RULES: rules here mean rules of the
relationship, like "the person I'm with *must never* hit me." "The
person I'm with *shouldn't* embarrass me in public." "The person I'm
with *should not* leave dirty underwear on the bedroom floor." "The
person I'm with *should always* put the toilet paper on the roll so it
comes over the top." etc.
GOOD COMMUNICATION: this should include both the ability to discuss
issues and the ability to come to a mutually satisfactory resolution.
As for the other things you mentioned (sex, cooking, see plays with), I
would call those things I look for in a friendship. (Yes, that includes
sex. I don't connect sex with love. Love can include sex, but sex
doesn't imply love.)
