[665] in Humor
HUMOR: Welfare Quotes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Jan 11 21:27:19 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 21:24:22 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 22:25:29 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: "Geoffrey S. Knauth" <gsk@marble.com>
> From: quarrell@vax.ox.ac.uk (Rachel Quarrell)
Why I need welfare.
Examples of unclear writing. Sentences taken from actual letters
received by the Local Welfare Department from applicants.
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children.
I have 7, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was
born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been
visited by the clergy regularly.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was missing, is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now
live with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as
illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before
he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing
ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one
of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't
had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to
lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any
difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works
day & night.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth
to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with
the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good.
If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Rachel.
Oxford.
_____________________________________________________________________
The best thing you can say about most men is that they are biodegradable.
