[664] in Humor
HUMOR: Classic Dave - Accordian Repair
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Jan 11 21:21:04 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 21:18:01 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 95 12:33:41 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
LACK OF ACCORDIAN REPAIRERS HAS REACHED A CRISIS
DAVE BARRY
[4/3/93]
In these days of rising taxes, job insecurity and soaring medical
costs, more and more Americans are asking themselves a chilling
question: ``What happens if, God forbid, I have to get my accordion
repaired?''
This is certainly on my mind. I own an accordion. I used to own two
of them. I bought them years ago at an auction for $25, which worked out
to $12.50 per accordion, which struck me as an unbelievable deal. It's
hard to describe the look on my wife's face when I brought them home. It
reminded me of her reaction to ``natural'' childbirth.
One of my accordions was destroyed when I made the common consumer
mistake of leaving it outdoors for 14 months. But I still have the other
one, a Hohner ``Student'' model. It sits on a filing cabinet in my
office, and sometimes, when I'm having trouble thinking up major issues
to have opinions about, I amuse myself by causing it to make a scary
wailing noise and swoop down at my two dogs, Earnest and Zippy, who jump
up violently and bang their heads against the table they sleep under.
Earnest and Zippy hate the Hohner ``Student.'' It's an instinctive
reaction they have, dating back millions of years, to when their wild
dog ancestors often fell prey to larger, hairier prehistoric accordions.
But I like my accordion, although it is not in the best of shape, a
fact that has me deeply concerned, in light of an article from The
Winona (Minn.) Daily News sent in by alert reader Mike Jones. This
article states that the board of Red Wing/Winona Technical College has
voted to eliminate, because of low enrollment, the college's accordion
repair program -- which happens to be the only such program in the entire
United States.
I can't believe we would let this happen. We're talking about a vital
part of our nation's history, dating back to the early 1800s, when each
generation would seek to pass the secrets of accordion repair on to the
next.
FATHER: Son, it's time for me to pass along the secrets of accordion
repair.
SON: I'm moving to Utah.
That's right: Without accordion repair, Westward Expansion might
never have occurred. And let's not forget the critical role that an
unrepaired accordion played at the Battle of Gettysburg (``Have the
accordion player sound the charge!'' ``He can't, sir! He took a bullet
in the bellows during `Lady of Spain!''' ``Good!'')
I could go on, but I am clearly lying. This is why, in an unusual
effort to include actual facts in this column, I called Red Wing/Winona
Technical College and spoke with the accordion-repair instructor, Helmi
Harrington. She told me there are ``eight or nine million'' accordions
in the United States, and that accordion repair can be ``eminently
lucrative.'' Right now, she said, ``there are only a handful of
certified accordion technicians,'' the result being that many accordions
are being repaired by unqualified people.
``There are a lot of butchers out there,'' said Harrington.
I don't know about you, but when I look at the beautiful and innocent
young people of today, laughing gaily and tossing their used Slurpee
containers on my lawn, it pains me to think that they could grow up in a
country where they would be forced to take their broken accordions to
some back-alley practitioner.
In an effort to find out what the federal government is doing about
this, I called U.S. Sen. Bob ``Bob'' Graham of Florida, who is -- and I
mean this as a compliment -- the weirdest major politician I have ever
met. I first interviewed him back when he was governor of Florida. In an
effort to throw him off base, I asked him what I thought was a
ridiculous question, demanding to know what he had done, as governor, to
promote harmonica safety. Without a moment's hesitation, he delivered a
two-minute, well-organized and extremely persuasive speech, featuring
statistics, in which he claimed that his predecessor was responsible for
most of Florida's harmonica-related deaths.
So I figured Sen. Graham was the man to call about this issue. I had
barely got the words ``accordion-repair crisis'' out of my mouth when he
launched into a lengthy, impassioned oration, from which I got the
following quotes, which I swear I am not making up:
``Just last night I ate at an Italian restaurant which, like
thousands of other Italian restaurants across America, is now without
music, because their accordion is in disrepair and has been returned
from Winona, Minn., with postage due.''
``We are preparing an anti-dumping order against Liechtenstein, which
has become the center of accordion repair on a global basis and has
developed some ferociously anti-competitive practices.''
``I don't know whether the actual use of nuclear weapons is called
for, but I do think we need a credible military threat.''
(Bear in mind that this man is on the Senate Intelligence Committee.)
So some leaders are aware of the crisis. But so far, the
failed Clinton administration has said NOTHING about it, despite
proposing MILLIONS for saxophone repair, and despite the fact that
accordion repair could provide jobs for thousands of unemployed
Americans who have no useful skills, not that I am singling out Dan
Quayle. What we need is for ordinary Americans like yourself, but with
more spare time, to ``get involved.'' Write to your congressperson. Write
to the board of Red Wing/Winona Technical College. Write (what the heck) to
your mom. Future generations will thank you. My dogs will hate you.
(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
