[3894] in Humor
HUMOR(?): A letter to The Observer from Terry Jones of monty
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Pug)
Tue Feb 18 22:01:39 2003
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Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 22:00:54 -0500
To: mowu@mit.edu, "Mary Gallagher, Mary Gallagher" <mary@mgdd.us>,
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Funny, but scary & sad, too...
>Date: Tue, 18 Feb 2003 21:54:30 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time)
>Subject: A letter to The Observer from Terry Jones of monty python
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>Many thanks to Max Montel for sending in the following!
>
>A letter to The Observer from Terry Jones of Monty Python
>
> Letter to the Observer
> Sunday January 26, 2003
> The Observer
>
> I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
> he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
> really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down
> the street.
>
> Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give
> me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty
> for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
>
> I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but
> he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr
> Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources -
> that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street
> telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
> Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
> police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they
> need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
>
> They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
> and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will
> be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel
> will be secretly murdering people.
>
> Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
> firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently
> that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made
> it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can
> wade in and do whatever I want!
>
> And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq
> is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The
> one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
> targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never
> threatened us.
>
> That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
> children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave
> us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
>
> Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq
> is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
> destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
> much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr
> Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a
> safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a
> clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've
> achieved it?
>
> How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
> single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
> once he's committed an act of terror.
>
> What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
> eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
> have already eliminated themselves.
>
> Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a
> future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
> until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
> Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
> thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
>
> It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the
> tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who
> I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one
> will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I
> might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
> President of the United States. That shuts her up.
>
> Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
> reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
> the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and
> hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws
> and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
> nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
> kingdom come.
>
> It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
> contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
> street. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
>
> Wilson Mizner
