[3368] in Humor
Revocation of Independence :)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Grisha Golberg)
Wed Nov 15 19:35:47 2000
Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 19:30:55 -0500 (EST)
From: Grisha Golberg <junta@giganda.komkon.org>
To: humor@mit.edu
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America.
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
> govern
> yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective
> today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over
> all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does
> not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair MP for the
> 97.85%
> of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
> borders)
> will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> circulated
> next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1.You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
> you
> should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
>
> Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
> "like"
> and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
> Look up "interspersed".
>
> 2.There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
> on your behalf.
>
> 3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really
> isn't that hard.
>
> 4.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good
> guys.
>
> 5.You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused
> and give up half way through.
>
> 6.You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
> of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
> good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
> game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> (which
> is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> nancies).
> We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
>
> 7.You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they
> give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a
> world
> outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never
> been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
>
> 8.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
> national
> holiday, but only in The UK. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
> good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> 10.Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us nuts for almost
forty
> years.
>
>
