[3298] in Humor
HUMOR: The Future Will NOT Be Like Star Trek
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Forty Six & 2)
Sun Aug 27 23:40:34 2000
Date: Sun, 27 Aug 2000 23:42:31 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu, florey@mit.edu
From: Forty Six & 2 <descentr@MIT.EDU>
>The future will not be like Star Trek
>
>There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself
>into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future.
>Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and
>horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more
>obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
>
>Medical Technology
>On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any
>openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your
>unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut
>as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of
>medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to
>close other people's orifices.
>
>Transporter
>It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then
>reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker
>to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to
>the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I
>don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll
>be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will
>spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding
>from parts of their bodies. "Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got
>beamed into a hutch yesterday."
>
>If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house.
>I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo
>equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm
>fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd
>beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the
>contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam
>the rest into my neighbor's garage.
>
>If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I
>would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break,
>give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd
>never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got
>something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors
>would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
>the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one
>thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the
>transporter: the holodeck.
>
>Holodeck
>For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
>create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
>characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from
>work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door
>and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince
>me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from
>Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
>
>Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go
>around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me
>and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's
>exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's
>last invention.
>
>Sex with Aliens
>According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures
>who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of
>anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to
>have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're
>suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
>who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never
>be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
>galactic-sized mistake. Here's me trying to have sex with an alien:
>
> Me: "May I touch that?"
> Alien: "That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being
>that has been attached to my body for six hundred years."
> Me: "It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it."
> Alien: "That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago."
>
>The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
>model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't
>have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the
>future won't be that convenient.
>
>Phasers
>I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness
>without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service
>at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat
>in front of me at the theater, zap!
>
>On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
>happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an
>alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star
>Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession'
>defense is credible.
>
> Criminal: "Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the
>occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity."
> Officer: "Well, okay. Move along."
>
>I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my
>bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time.
>My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be
>another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at
>him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is
>really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the
>willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb
>anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the
>neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other
>neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if
>that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
>
>Cyborgs
>Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I
>like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am
>constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with
>some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric
>drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips.
>From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add
>whatever tools you think you'd use most.
>
>I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
>someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
>myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear
>in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to
>have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during
>useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do
>is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I
>could amuse myself in my head all day long.
>
>I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of
>people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look.
>Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for
>everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a
>cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and
>you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the
>casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying
>you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
>
>Shields
>I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially
>around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space.
>In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to
>play with.
>
>I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
>Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult
>dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality
>I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side,
>it would make shopping much more fun. Here's Shopping with Shields Up.
>
> Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
> Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
> Me: Try it. My shields are up.
> Saleswoman: Damn!
> Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
> Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account?
>Our interest rates are very reasonable.
> Me: Nice try.
>
>Long-Range Sensors
>If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new
>signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a
>continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the
>area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know
>minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break
>time.
>
>Vulcan Death Grip
>Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing
>as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would
>have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death
>Grip look like an accident. 'I was just straightening his collar and he
>collapsed.' I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly
>killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood
>of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and
>virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right.
>You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
>sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
>corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise,
>but...erk!'
>
>And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
>
