[3179] in Humor
New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Christopher D. Beland)
Sat Apr 22 12:38:33 2000
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 12:38:14 -0400
From: "Christopher D. Beland" <beland@MIT.EDU>
Glad to see MIT is finall getting some positive press.
From *The Onion*, http://www.theonion.com:
New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once
CAMBRIDGE, MA--On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT
scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing
protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis,
preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the
extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and
the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point,"
theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now
contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in
its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was
chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be
positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For
example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the
other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."
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