[3154] in Humor
HUMOR: Assorted Jokes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Thu Mar 30 13:19:07 2000
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 12:59:40 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
kris@speechcode.com, jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU,
mtsai@bqa.com, immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com,
tlawlor@palmerdodge.com, paul.n.leblanc@ae.ge.com, lindamarc@juno.com,
bmendell@mediaone.net, nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
ncooper@fas.harvard.edu, cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, Courtney Nichols <crnichol@fas.harvard.edu>,
wthtx@aol.com, "mbullet@fas.harvard.edu" <mbullet@fas.harvard.edu>
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
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Some old chestnuts, but worth a chuckle or two.
>
> Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 15:47:03 -0800
> X-Cid: le.59
> From: "Lands' End"
> Reply-To: "Lands' End"
> Subject: JOKES FOR APRIL FOOLS
> To: pug@alum.mit.edu
>
> Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 15:47:03 -0800
> Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----Alt_Boundary_1"
>>
>> An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3
>> times successively by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special
>> about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replies the teller. "He was better
>> dressed each time."
>>
>> A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails.
>> After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report.
>> "Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer.
>> "Oh, it all happened so fast," replies the sloth.
>> Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? It ended in a tie.
>> A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up
>> to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
>> A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"Sorry,
>> we don't serve food here."
>> A sailor chats up a pirate at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap
>> stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook.
>> "So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?"
>> "Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst
>> in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've had this peg leg ever
>> since."
>> "Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?"
>> "We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with
>> a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever since."
>> "Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"
>> "Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me eye."
>> "A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.
>> "Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first day with the new
>> hook."
>> What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?
>> Three zebras fighting over a pickle.
>> What's the last thing George Washington said before crossing the Delaware?
>> "Okay, who knows how to row?"
>> A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So -- why the long face?"
>> A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit
>> and intelligence.
>> "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
>> "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
>> voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
>> faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
>> them, you'll be positively brilliant."
>> "You sell them here?" the customer asks.
>> "Only $4 apiece," says Green.
>> The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
>> that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
>> "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
>> fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
>> "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I
>> can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
>> "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
>> A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a
celebrity
>> around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says,
>> "You've got a drink named Steve?"
>> Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
>> Because turtles have such tiny ears.
>>
>> A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer... and a mop."
>> A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says,
>> "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Sharalee M. Field, Planning Analyst
> Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office
> Harvard University
> Ph: 617.495.8257 Fax: 617.495.7881
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Some old chestnuts, but worth a chuckle or two.<br>
<br>
<blockquote type=cite cite>Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 15:47:03 -0800 <br>
X-Cid: le.59 <br>
From: "Lands' End" <br>
Reply-To: "Lands' End" <br>
Subject: JOKES FOR APRIL FOOLS <br>
To: pug@alum.mit.edu <br>
<br>
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 15:47:03 -0800 <br>
Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
boundary="----Alt_Boundary_1" <br>
<dl><div align="center">
<blockquote><font face="Arial, Helvetica" size=2></div>
<dd>An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been
robbed 3 times successively by the same bandit. "Did you notice
anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes,"
replies the teller. "He was better dressed each
time."</font><font size=3> <br>
<br>
</font><font face="Arial, Helvetica" size=2>
<dd>A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails.
<dd>After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report.
<dd>"Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer.
<dd>"Oh, it all happened so fast," replies the
sloth.</font><font size=2>
<dd>Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? It ended in a
tie.</font><font size=2>
<dd>A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that
shot my paw."</font><font size=2>
<dd>A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve food here."</font><font size=2>
<dd>A sailor chats up a pirate at a waterfront bar and they proceed to
swap stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and
hook.
<dd>"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to
lose that leg?"
<dd>"Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept
me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've
had this peg leg ever since."
<dd>"Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the
hook?"
<dd>"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate.
"Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this
hook ever since."
<dd>"Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye
patch?"
<dd>"Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in
me eye."
<dd>"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.
<dd>"Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me
first day with the new hook."</font><font size=2>
<dd>What's black and white and black and white and black and white and
green?
<dd>Three zebras fighting over a pickle.</font><font size=2>
<dd>What's the last thing George Washington said before crossing the
Delaware?
<dd>"Okay, who knows how to row?"</font><font size=2>
<dd>A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So -- why the
long face?"</font><font size=2>
<dd>A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's
quick wit and intelligence.
<dd>"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
<dd>"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green
replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But
since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
<dd>"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
<dd>"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
<dd>The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
<dd>"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes
home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time
he's really angry.
<dd>"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads
for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me
off!"
<dd>"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter
already."</font><font size=2>
<dd>A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite
a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named
Steve?"</font><font size=2>
<dd>Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
<dd>Because turtles have such tiny ears.<br>
<br>
</font><font size=2>
<dd>A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer... and a
mop."</font><font size=2>
<dd>A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender
says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"</font></blockquote>
</dl><br>
<br>
<div>----------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>
<div>Sharalee M. Field, Planning
Analyst<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab></div>
<div>Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office</div>
<div>Harvard University</div>
Ph: 617.495.8257 Fax: 617.495.7881
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