[2960] in Humor
HUMOR: The Dilbert Project
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Wed Sep 29 12:13:27 1999
Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 12:05:31 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
"kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com" <kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com>,
jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, mtsai@bqa.com,
immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com,
nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
"Jean, Marc (GEAE)" <marc.jean@ae.ge.com>,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, obrien@fas.harvard.edu,
wheger@wbc-architects.com, "Andy Oakland" <sao@tfn.com>
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
I think this one might have come around a while back, but if so it's worth
a second chuckle.
>X-Sender: ckent@pop.fas.harvard.edu
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>Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 11:55:14 -0400
>To: sharalee_field@harvard.edu
>From: Celia Kent <celia_kent@harvard.edu>
>Subject: Fwd: The Dilbert Project
>
>
>>THE DILBERT PROJECT
>>
>>A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were Looking for
>>people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
>>
>>Here are the finalists:
>>
>>1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
>>using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
>>employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
>>(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond,
>>WA.)
>>
>>2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
>>(Lykes Lines Shipping)
>>
>>3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
>>used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
>>
>>4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>>important interfere with it.
>>(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
>>
>>5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
>>believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
>>months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
>>time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)
>>
>>6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
>>needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
>>couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
>>Computers)
>>
>>7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
>>(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
>>
>>8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
>>told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
>>busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
>>Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
>>(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
>>
>>9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
>>discuss it with the employees.
>> (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
>>
>>10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
>>inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
>>above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>>
>>11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
>>project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
>>said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
>>it!"
>> (New business manager, Hallmark GreetingCards.)
>>
>>12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
>>our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo I
>>mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.
>>The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called
>>into the HR Director's office, and told that the executive vice president
>>wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
>>she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally, he
>>showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the
>>word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and
>>once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the
>>definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care
>>of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that
>>no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
>>used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with
>>company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
>>the Sunday paper.
>> (Taco Bell Corporation)
>>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharalee M. Field, Planning Analyst
Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office
Harvard University
Ph: 617.495.8257 Fax: 617.495.7881
