[2876] in Humor
Army Voice Mail
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Susan)
Tue Jul 13 16:07:50 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 13 Jul 1999 16:01:50 EDT
From: Susan <seborn@MIT.EDU>
U.S. Army Official Voice Mail Message:
"Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific
crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out
the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug and compulsory
Consideration-Of-Others training, we will return your call.
"Please speak after the tone, or, if you require more options, please
listen to the following menu.
"If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press One for the United
States Marine Corps.
"If your crisis is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels and
can be solved by one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, please
press Two for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is
not available after 4:30 p.m. or on weekends.
"If your inquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of gray
funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write - well
in advance - to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile
service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come,
first-served basis.
"If your inquiry is not urgent, please press Three for the Rapid Deployment
Force.
"If you are in really hot trouble, please press Four, and your call will be
routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note
that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure that you can
afford the inherent TDY (temporary duty, or per diem) costs. Also be aware
the Special Operations Command may bill your account at any time and is not
required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
"If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid
little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned
hut miles from civilization and are prepared to work your a-- off daily,
risking your life in all types of weather and terrain, both day and night,
while watching Congress erode your original benefits program, please stay
on the line.
"Your call will shortly be transferred to a bitter, passed-over Army
recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
"Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to call the United
States Army."
