[279] in Humor
HUMOR: Bulwer-Lytton 1994
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu May 19 10:52:19 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 19 May 94 10:48:20 EDT
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 14:21:57 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Bulwer-Lytton 94
(from the San Jose Mercury News, 5/18/94, pgs. 1B & 5B)
Grand Winner, 1994 Bulwer-Lytton (bad) Writing Contest
"As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window
blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at
the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless
tyrant that had mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out
of the office with one last look back at the shattered computer
terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo left to rot on the
information highway."
Larry Brill, Austin, Texas
Winner, Adventure category
"Fierce, icy winds mercilessly whipped the naked trees into splinters
and sent birds wheeling into the horizon as Nick Savage mushed his
heavy sled on through the blinding whiteness and thought wearily,
'Next time I'm hooking up the dogs'."
Leann Roberts, Iron Station, N.C.
Winner, Vile pun category
"The ex-weightlifter/director started the rehearsals by telling us,
'Okay, ve gonna beb aroque composers in dis one; you be Telemann,
you be Vivaldi, and I'll be Bach.'"
Richard Patching, Alberta, Canada
Miscellaneous dishonorable mentions
"Yeah, they called him Rocky Stagecoach, 'cause that's where he
was born...on the bumpy trail between Conception and Contusion."
Rix Quinn, Fort Worth, Texas
"Remember this, foolish mortals, when ye stare headlong into the
mind-paralyzing void, the inky black nothingness of existence,
the hellish yawning maw of the abyss -- it's pretty damn dark,
so give it a few minutes for your eyes to adjust."
Frank M. Carrano, Branford, Conn.
"We had been married long enough that Fifi's burning gaze and
flaring nostrils told me _exactly_ what she wanted, so I hurriedly
peeled off her tight satin dress, dispatched her lacy French brassiere
with a flick of the wrist, her garter belt became a 'ringer' on the
furthest bedpost, and as I sent her imported silk stockings arcing
gracefully into the laundry hamper, I dropped to my knees and
promised never, _never_ to go into town wearing her clothes again."
William "Buddy" Ocheltree, Georgia (last year's grand prize winner)
