[278] in Humor
Les Miz II - a parody (You'll love this!) (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (wizbab@merle.acns.nwu.edu)
Wed May 18 22:06:12 1994
From: wizbab@merle.acns.nwu.edu
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 21:01:51 CDT
OK guys, I'm trying to find something that hasn't already made the rounds at
MIT and I hope this is it! I don't want to get anymore nasty notes from Brad
(I got your clarification - don't worry).
Wizbab
P.S. Hi Hershey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> > *****Please keep this note intact if forwarding.
> > The following is what we have so far...the product of about six weeks of
> > non-constant work. There are periodic updates...new songs, additional
> > lyrics to incomplete songs, etc.
> > If you enjoy this, please send a copy to friends who you think may also
> > enjoy it, and PLEASE ask them to send me a teeny-weeny note telling me
> > what they think.
> > For those who are familiar with the web, the most current version is
> > always available at http://jlewin.student.harvard.edu/note/, click LesMizII.
> > If you would like to receive updates through e-mail, please send me a
> > small note saying so.
> > *PLEASE* pardon the occasional indulgence in Harvard snobbery. If you do
> > not understand any of the jokes and would like an explanation, feel free
> > to ask.
> > Thank you for your interest...it is good to know that there are so many
> > people out there who love Les Miserables as much as we do.
> >
> > David Yeh
> > dyeh@husc.harvard.edu
> >
> >
> > Les Miserables II:
> >
> > Beyond the Barricades
> >
> > In the sequel to the international sensation, Schoenberg and Boublil show
> > with much poignance and humor that removed from the grim realities of war
> > and death, students will be students!
> >
> > ______________
> > Michael Kim, Coordinator, Editor-in-Chief
> >
> > Contributors:
> > Michael Kim, Trina Roberts, Seth Weinstein, David Yeh
> > ______________
> >
> > The Cast (Incomplete Listing):
> >
> > ROLAND EMMETT, Ec Major and Frat Boy.
> > TIMOTHY CHUNG, A premed.
> > HANK NOWLAN, Real Jock type. Frat Boy.
> > DAVE KOH, Another premed.
> > J.C. COSTON, Manager of Dining Services.
> > ARCHIE EPPS, Dean of Students.
> >
> >
> > Act I
> >
> > Prologue/Work Song* Students, Che, Roommate, TF
> > Hank Arrested TF, Proctors
> > At The End of the Day* Students
> > The Runaway Grade Hank, TF
> > Confrontation Dave, Ad Board
> > The Crib Sheet Timothy, Other Premeds
> > Look Down Timothy, Quadlings
> > Do You See This Peephole Thing? Hank and Frat Boys
> > One Day More The Company
> >
> > Act II
> >
> > On My Own Timothy
> > Empty Chairs At Empty Tables* J.C. Coston
> > Finale* J.C. Coston, Archie Epps, and The Company
> >
> > *Indicates recently added, modified, or extended
> >
> >
> >
> > ACT I
> > Prologue/Work Song
> >
> > VARIOUS STUDENTS
> > Books down, books down, I can't think anymore.
> > Books down, books down, it's quarter after four.
> > I've been awake for ninety hours straight!
> > Books down, books down, you've sealed your own cruel fate.
> > I'm starved! I'm beat! Will breakfast ever come?
> > You're prayer's no use; the dining halls are scum.
> > This has to end! The summer must be near....
> > Books down, books down, there's summer school to fear.
> > When I'm a grad you won't see me stressing out....
> > Books down, books down, I can't think anymore,
> > My God, who introduced this bloody Core?
> > Books down, books down, you've sealed your own cruel fate,
> > Books down, books down, the stress will ne'er abate.
> >
> > (Che's ROOMMATE enters the scene with a cordless telephone; Che's TF is
> > on the line.)
> >
> > ROOMMATE
> > Now find me I.D. number 50386297
> > Your TF called and your extension's given
> > You know what that means
> >
> > CHE (takes phone to speak to TF)
> > Yes! An ounce of rest....
> >
> > TF
> > No!
> > It means you have two extra days to write!
> > You put it off!
> >
> > CHE
> > I've had a lot to do....
> >
> > TF
> > You didn't care!
> >
> > CHE
> > I've worked for four straight days.
> > I've had six other papers due
> > All in one week....
> >
> > TF
> > It doesn't matter! You must be prepared to work until the end!
> >
> > CHE
> > I've had this before; it's a recurring theme
> > It happens every year
> >
> > TF
> > Two extra days you get
> > Don't wait for your bread to leaven
> > Yes, 50386297
> >
> > CHE
> > My name is Che Peron!
> >
> > TF
> > And I'm your TF
> > Don't call me anymore
> > Don't waste your time.
> > 50386297....
> >
> > (Che exits the dining hall.)
> >
> > CHE
> > Freedom is mine. The night is clear.
> > Now I can rest. It's time for sleeping.
> > Look at this scene. Those helpless fools.
> > Never knew how to bend or break the rules.
> > Nor allow them to end their pain.
> > They'll just be waiting for it to wane.
> > This night, at last, I'll finally sleep.
> > With all my notes piled in a heap.
> >
> >
> > Hank Arrested
> >
> > PROCTOR 1
> > Tell the good TF your story
> >
> > PROCTOR 2
> > Let us see if she's impressed
> >
> > PROCTOR 1
> > You were studying last night
> >
> > PROCTOR 2
> > You were preparing for the test.
> > And then out of pure frustration
> > You then ran to your TF
> >
> > PROCTOR 1
> > You claim she made a study guide of test questions
> >
> > TF
> > That's correct
> > But my friend you left so early
> > Surely something slipped your mind
> >
> > (TF HANDS STUDENT ANSWERS TO TEST QUESTIONS)
> >
> > You forgot I gave these also
> > Would you leave such help behind?
> > So men you may release him
> > This student has spoken true
> > We want high scores on our final
> > So we help the students through.
> >
> >
> > At the End of the Day
> >
> > STUDENTS
> > At the end of the day you've got nothing but homework
> > Just a tower of paper on top of your floor
> > It's a struggle, it's a war
> > And there're answers that no one is giving
> > With a midterm on the way
> > What is it for?
> > One day less till Thanksgiving!
> >
> > At the end of the day you're more tired than ever
> > You've got fifty more pages left to get through
> > With the premeds going nuts
> > They can't read the notes they've been keeping
> > And it's 2 am and you still
> > Haven't a clue
> > One night less to be sleeping!
> >
> > At the end of the day still the paper's not written
> > And your study break stretches to hours and hours
> > Make a phone call, do some e-mail,
> > Procrastinate all that you're able,
> > Still the screen is sitting there blank, and
> > Your mind is becoming unstable--
> > And there's gonna be more till May
> > At the end of the day!
> >
> >
> > The Runaway Grade
> >
> > HANK
> > Can this be true?
> > I don't believe what I see
> > To come this far
> > And still get barely a "D"
> > My memory's blurred
> >
> > No, no, it just isn't fair!
> >
> > TF
> > Say what you want, I just don't care.
> >
> > HANK
> > Are you sure this is my paper
> > That's been turned in with my name?
> > The solutions look all different
> > There's no way they are the same!
> > Problem 24 for instance,
> > Clearly should be 80 feet!
> > And I know that that's the answer
> > That I wrote down on my sheet!
> > Well, of course, I would not lie now,
> > I have no good reason to,
> > I'm only asking for the credit
> > That I am so clearly due!
> >
> > TF
> > You say that this test is not yours,
> > And you don't remember writing down the answers that are on it?
> >
> > You think there could be someone else
> > Who could possibly have written
> > This much bullshit!
> >
> > Come to that, who would that be?
> > Your answer, now, Hanky!
> >
> > HANK
> > I have known so many students
> > Who would lie to do me in,
> > But of all the ones I know well
> > The most likely one's... Roland!
> > It was him. He's the fake...
> > He forged all of my mistakes!
> >
> >
> > Confrontation
> > (In University Hall)
> >
> > AD BOARD
> > So Dave, at last, you face the Ad Board's wrath!
> > We know, you've copied problem sets in math!
> >
> > DAVE
> > Before I'm withdrawn from this school today,
> > Before I'm forced to find another place
> > Listen to me! I'll explain it to you now:
> > It was too late, maybe 4 o'clock
> > There was no way to finish so soon
> > You see, it was due promptly before noon!
> > I had no choice--I pledge my word
> > I had no choice
> >
> > AD BOARD
> > You must think us fools!
> > We've heard this one for many years!
> > Ones like you will always cheat!
> > A boy, such as you!
> >
> > AD BOARD DAVE
> > Ones like you will always cheat You don't seem to understand,
> > Ones like you will always cheat It's not much more than simply
> > getting help
> > No-- You know nothing of my deed,
> > You have no excuse! All I did was borrow work.
> > Page 67 of the Handbook says: You know nothing of last night,
> > "Work submitted must be yours" You would sooner kick me out!
> > The crime is clear But not before I see
> > Go buy a ticket for your plane! Some fairness dealt!
> > Dare you speak to us of fair I had midterms all week long,
> > And how much you had to do Notables rehearsal too!
> > Each of us was once in school And a ten page essay due,
> > Each of us had workloads too And that's hardly even half!
> > You can't stay here anymore I won't take this anymore!
> > Tolerance is not our rule There's no lawyer I won't call,
> > Snotty boys like you we hate! If I have to sue you here,
> > Leave at once from Harvard's gate! I'll do what must be done!
> >
> > DAVE
> > I never cheated any night
> >
> > AD BOARD
> > The rules are clear--you cannot fight
> >
> > DAVE
> > Everyone does it all the time
> >
> > AD BOARD
> > Don't you doubt we'll get them too
> >
> > DAVE
> > All this for something small and trite
> >
> > BOTH
> > I don't believe, you're so naive!
> >
> >
> > The Crib Sheet
> > [It's the night before exams.]
> >
> > TIMOTHY
> > I found it lying in the trash
> > This little sheet, I saw it hidden
> > In the rubbish
> > Look, a copy of the test!
> > And see, it's got the answers written here right on it!
> > This lucky page I've found today
> > Guarantees I get an "A"!
> >
> > There is a goal I must achieve
> > I must maintain my perfect grades!
> > For the transcripts they'll receive
> > Now I see the way before me!
> >
> > Then I'm off to Harvard Med,
> > Leave the others scraping bottom
> > As they stand there with no choice
> > I'll have finally won the race
> >
> > TIMOTHY MORE PREMEDS
> > Now to hide this little gem What's that in his hand?
> > I'll celebrate this day of glory! Hey, aren't those cheat sheets banned?
> > No longer will I ride the curve But if we got one, man!
> > I'll finally get what I deserve!
> >
> >
> > Look Down
> > (The Quad)
> >
> > QUADLINGS
> > Look down and see the students of the Quad
> > Look down and feel some pity if you care
> > Look down and ask how can there be a God
> > Look down and thank the good Lord you're not there
> >
> > TIMOTHY
> > How do you do? My name is Tim
> > These are my blockmates, here's my room
> > Not much to look at, pretty dim
> > This pit of unending death and gloom
> > You're in the Quad, the dredge of Harvard
> > Here in the slums of Cabot House
> > Going to classes is, as you've inferred
> > Hard on the feet, long on the bus!
> > Don't hold life
> > Sweet and dear?
> > Come live here!
> > Come live here!
> >
> > QUADLINGS
> > Look down and feel some pity if you care
> > Look down and thank the good Lord you're not there
> >
> > FEMALE QUADLING (to frosh ahem first-years)
> > You must be a frosh
> > Hanging 'round the Quad
> > You've got lots to learn if you think
> > You would like it here
> >
> > FROSH (with lottery form in hand)
> > I heard it was posh!
> > They all gave the nod
> > When I told them I would want to
> > Live here all three years!
> >
> > QUADLING
> > Looks like you've been tricked!
> > 'Course they all said yes!
> > If you get in it lessens their
> > Chances for this mess!
> >
> > FROSH FROM RIVAL BLOCK GROUP
> > Quiet, Harvard Girl!
> > That is not the case!
> > She's only trying to turn you from this
> > Wonderfully nice place!
> >
> > QUADLINGS
> > When's it gonna stop?
> > When can we transfer?
> > Something's gotta happen soon or
> > We'll go nuts for sure!
> > We will move, we will move, we will move, we will move, we will move
> >
> > ACTIVIST
> > Where are the leaders of this school?
> > Where is the U.C. when we call?
> >
> > 2ND ACTIVIST
> > They're busy hiking student fees!
> > They're wasting time in Harvard Hall!
> >
> > QUADLINGS
> > Do they have no shame?
> > They know what we want:
> > Just a house that's closer to the
> > Square, Yard, and Lamont
> > To Lamont, to Lamont, to Lamont
> >
> > 2ND ACTIVIST
> > They plan bad concerts all day long
> > Not one reform to help our plight!
> >
> > ACTIVIST
> > With all the anger in the Quad
> > We have no choice but to go and fight
> > And kick those leaders from our land
> > Take matters into our own hands!
> >
> > QUADLINGS
> > Look down, and feel, some pity if you care
> > Look down, and thank, the good Lord you're not there!
> >
> >
> > Do You See This Peephole Thing?
> > [It's festival week, and the Lambda Mu fraternity is throwing a dance
> > to revive its sagging reputation. Short of funds, Dorm Heads HANK NOWLAN and
> > ROLAND EMMETT decide to cater to their classmates' baser desires and sell
> > "peeps" into the adjacent sorority house.]
> >
> > HANK
> > Do you see this peephole thing?
> > We'll be some prime voyeurs tonight
> >
> > FRED
> > Getting a glimpse of something risque here
> > Would really make my night
> >
> > ROLAND
> > For the price of just two bucks
> > You can enjoy our little prank
> >
> > FRED
> > Here's my money--
> >
> > HANK
> > Thank you much
> >
> > FRED
> > No, I'll thank YOU, Hank
> >
> > ROLAND (to the crowd)
> > Will you join in our parade?
> > Which real men will stand with me?
> > Beyond these petty tricks
> > Is there that dance you long to see?
> >
> > FRED
> > Then join in the fun, just a couple of ones--nearly free!
> >
> > CROWD OF MALES
> > Do you see this peephole thing?
> > We'll be some prime voyeurs tonight
> > Giving into our carnal natures sure would
> > Really make our nights!
> > Look, it's just a couple bucks
> > We sure got a deal, all right
> > Life is good, although our wallets
> > Feel real tight
> >
> > ROLAND (to the crowd)
> > Will you pay our modest fee
> > So that our banner may advance?
> > Did you think it would be free?
> > Well let me tell you--not a chance!
> > We've gotta make dough or we'll have to say no to our dance!
> >
> > CROWD OF MALES
> > Do you see this peephole thing?
> > We'll be some prime voyeurs tonight
> > Getting a glimpse of something risque here
> > Would really make our nights!
> > Look, it's just a couple bucks
> > We sure got a deal, all right
> > Life is good, 'cause it's so cheap
> > For this luscious sight!
> >
> >
> > One Day More
> >
> > FRESHMEN
> > One day more,
> > Another test, another failing grade,
> > Just one more step 'till I'm a Harvard fade
> > These profs who know I haven't read
> > Won't stop until they know I'm dead,
> > One day more
> >
> > HANK
> > I slept the entire day away
> > How can I pass? I haven't studied!
> >
> > HANK AND SHARON
> > Tommorrow I will surely pay
> > As my grades are ripped and bloodied
> >
> > PREMED HANK AND SHARON
> > One more day until my doom Will we ever live again?
> > One more day of pain and suffering I should have taken a gut
> > As I walk towards my tomb But I was an orgo nut
> > And I'm going to cry aloud!
> >
> > ROLAND HANK
> > One more day before the "F"! Shall I go to UHS?
> > In the dusty rooms of Sever! Should I take my first sick day?
> > When five minutes' all there's left Do I go or skip the test?
> > Will I've even answered one?
> >
> > ALL
> > The time...is now...the day...is here!
> >
> > FRESHMEN
> > One Day More!
> >
> > CONSTANCE
> > One more day till mathematics
> > I'll go in with iron nerves
> > I know all my integration,
> > I'll parameterize those curves!
> >
> > SENIORS
> > Watch our GPAs!
> > Watch them as they fall!
> > Good thing that we hardly even care at all!
> > Here a little Ec,
> > Sounds to me like Dutch,
> > Haven't done the reading so it don't mean much!
> >
> > FRESHMEN SENIORS
> > One day to a hopeless future, Raise the cups of good beer high!
> > Only luck can save us now Only luck can be our cure!
> > There's no use to keep on fighting There's no cause for which to fight!
> >
> > ALL
> > Do you hear the students sing?
> >
> > HANK (to FRESHMEN)
> > My place is here
> > I'll fail with you!!!
> >
> > FRESHMEN
> > One day more!
> >
> > HANK AND SHARON
> > I slept the entire the entire day away
> > How can I pass when I haven't studied?
> >
> > PREMED
> > One more day until my doom
> >
> > CONSTANCE
> > I'll to into Fairchild Lecture
> > Let the orgo test begin!
> > Let there be hydroboration...
> > Or any other reaction!
> >
> > FRESHMEN
> > One day more!
> >
> > HANK AND SHARON
> > Tommorrow I will surely pay
> > As my grades are ripped and bloodied
> >
> > SENIORS
> > Watch our GPAs!
> > Watch them as they fall!
> > Good thing that we hardly even care at all
> >
> > CONSTANCE
> > One more day till mathematics
> > I'll go in with iron nerves
> > I know all my integration
> >
> > FRESHMEN
> > But Tomorrow is still far away...
> > Tommorrow is still far away!
> >
> > ALL
> > Tonight there is still lots of time to
> > Party on in every way!
> > One more night!
> > One more day!
> > One day more!!
> >
> >
> >
> > ACT II
> >
> > On My Own
> >
> > TIMOTHY
> > And now I'm all alone again,
> > No one can see where I am going,
> > I push the boat in, take my oars,
> > Sit down and then begin my rowing.
> > Across the waves I soar,
> > And get off at the other shore.
> >
> > With urgent haste I walk alone
> > Beside the dirty Charles River,
> > Up past the Green Line through the streets
> > I run then stop; with joy I shiver:
> > For there I see ahead,
> > The pristine gates of Harvard Med!
> >
> > On my own, pretending this is my new home,
> > White coat smug, with stethoscope I roam,
> > On the fourth floor, MEC's cold cadavers greet me,
> > I'd stay all day and memorize
> > The names of all their bones!
> >
> > In the labs, racks full of new micropipettes,
> > Cry to me, to use them for some drug tests.
> > On the counter, some hypodermic needles,
> > Lie waiting sharp and ready to
> > Inject some digitalis!
> >
> > But this dream, won't ever come I dread,
> > For my MCAT score and GPA's too low;
> > And although, I could go to Yale instead,
> > Still I say, this is the place for me!
> >
> > My dreams for this place anesthetize my pain!
> > Must work more, until I go insane!
> > Nine percent's all they take for each elite class,
> > I have no chance, it'll always be
> > The goal I can't attain!
> >
> > I love you,
> > Would do anything to get in here!
> > All my life, you've been the object
> > Of my prayers!
> > Without you, my work for four intense years
> > Will be for naught: to work so hard
> > To only be denied!
> >
> > I'll work more, so I can,
> > Get my chance, to study here next year!
> >
> >
> > Empty Chairs At Empty Tables
> >
> > J.C. COSTON
> > There's a mystery in the Union,
> > There's a smell of rotten meat,
> > Empty chairs at empty tables,
> > Where the frosh refuse to eat.
> >
> > Could it be it was the Chickwich,
> > That they could not longer stand?
> > At the savory tofu option,
> > They all took one look and ran.
> >
> > >From the ancient wooden tables,
> > Seems their appetites were gone,
> > And they rose with stomachs wrenching!
> > And I can see them now:
> > The very food that they just ate,
> > Came spewing from their stomachs.
> > On the tiled floor below
> > It spread
> >
> > Oh, my students won't you tell us,
> > What we made that did not please,
> > Was it shrimp fried rice and egg rolls,
> > Our attempt to cook Chinese?
> >
> > Did they really not look forward,
> > To our Culinary Highlights?
> > Empty chairs at empty tables,
> > Where they groaned night after night!
> >
> > Oh, my chefs, my chefs, inform me,
> > Why they all charged out so fast,
> > Empty chairs at empty tables,
> > Where they made that meal their last.
> >
> >
> > Finale
> >
> > [It's the last week before summer break, and aging J.C. COSTON, manager
> > of Dining Services, lies dying in the central kitchen, baking
> > his last meal.]
> >
> > J.C.
> > Alone I bake in the kitchen
> > I count the hours till I can eat
> > I dream of cakes that folks would buy
> > I'd sell them cheap
> > To go with pie
> >
> > And at the end of my meal
> > Upon commencement night I feel
> > Take the students, my Lord, away from here
> > To their careers...
> >
> > God on high
> > Hear my prayer
> > Take me now
> > Upon my chair
> > As I eat
> > My final dish
> > Take me now
> > Grant my wish
> > Bring me home
> > Bring me home
> >
> > (ARCHIE EPPS III, Dean of Students, appears to Coston almost an apparition.)
> >
> > ARCHIE J.C. (interjections)
> > J.C., I bless your name I am ready, Dean Epps
> > Good chef, lay down your flour At the end of my meals
> > You fed my kids with love They're the crust of my pie!
> > And you will be well paid
> >
> > (HANK and SHARON run in.)
> >
> > SHARON
> > J.C.! J.C.! We do not understand!
> > Are you alright? They said you'd cook no more
> >
> > J.C.
> > Alas my child, am I forgiven now?
> > My God, the slop I'd cooked for you before...
> >
> > HANK
> > It's you who must forgive these thankless fools
> > It's you who must forgive my thoughtless band
> > It's thanks to you that I've been eating
> > And again I lay my plate at your feet
> >
> > Dean Epps, Chef Coston is a saint
> > When they graded me
> > He fed my troubles with some cake
> > Said "One less test to take"
> > And left me feeling good!
> >
> > J.C. (to students)
> > Now you are here
> > Eating before me
> > Now I can die in peace
> > For now my salad's dressed
> >
> > SHARON
> > You will live, J.C., you're going to live
> > It's too soon, you haven't yet retired
> >
> > J.C.
> > Yes, good kids, forbid me now to die
> > But for now
> > Please eat this pie
> >
> > On this plate
> > I bake my last confection
> > Eat it well
> > When I at last am sleeping
> > It's a pastry
> > >From those who always loved you
> > The workers baked this cake for you then gave it to my keeping!
> >
> > KITCHEN ANGEL I
> > Come to me, where stoves will never trouble you,
> > Microwaves, at last, at last behind you,
> > Lord in heaven, look at his food in mercy,
> >
> > J.C.
> > Forgive me all my burnt up pies
> > And take me to your glory!
> >
> > KITCHEN ANGEL I, II, and J.C.
> > Take my pans, I'll lead from the kitchen,
> > Scrub no more, our sinks are all self-cleaning.
> > And remember, none of our food is frozen,
> > For fresh delicious food
> > Is what we've longed for all our lives!
> >
> > THE COMPANY
> > Do you hear the students sing?
> > Wandering through the crowded Square,
> > It is the grumbling of the students
> > Who are too worn out to care,
> >
> > Eight semesters of this pain
> > Are far too much for one to take.
> > Maybe we should transfer to
> > Dartmouth for our own sake!
> >
> > But the Harvard reputation
> > Is the prize we won't give up!
> > It will quickly snag the best jobs,
> > It will earn the biggest bucks!
> > The C.E.O.s, doctors, and lawyers
> > Are all after us!
> >
> > Will you join our sleepless war?
> > Fight to keep grade inflation high!
> > Somewhere beyond the useless Core
> > Is there that class you long to try?
> > When they hand diplomas out
> > Who won't go home and proudly sneer:
> > I am a Harvard graduate
> > And you're not, so there!
> >
> > Will you join our sleepless war?
> > Fight to keep grade inflation high!
> > Somewhere beyond the useless Core
> > Is there that class you long to try?
> > When they hand diplomas out
> > Who won't go home and proudly sneer:
> > I am a Harvard graduate
> > And you're not so there!
> >
> > ......you're not, so there!
> >
>
