[2770] in Humor
HUMOR: Resumes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Amicizia98@aol.com)
Tue Apr 13 23:29:53 1999
From: <Amicizia98@aol.com>
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 23:28:51 EDT
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Reply-To: Amicizia98@aol.com
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed
in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune magazine:
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet pogroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my Mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to
my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Aren't you glad you don't have to get resumes from Excel prospects?
Jim sends cheers from beautiful Fort Walton Beach, Florida
