[2752] in Humor
Fwd: God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Luke Douglas)
Mon Apr 5 18:50:07 1999
Date: Mon, 05 Apr 1999 18:49:00 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Luke Douglas <darkwing@MIT.EDU>
If you get offended by this, don't blame me, it's your own fault...
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions:
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pack]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please
check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Linus Torvalds
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Bernard)
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering in a desert
__ Wandering in a dark wood
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate
on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood
famine
earthquake
war
pestilence
plague
spam
AOL
Miracles:
rescues
spontaneous remissions
stars hovering over jerkwater towns
crying statues
water changing to wine
walking on water
VCRs that set their own clocks
Saddam Hussein still alive
getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by April 31 you will be entered in the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of
beings entered).
