[2753] in Humor
[glen@qnx.com: Ruminations]
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Gerald Britton)
Tue Apr 6 14:28:30 1999
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 14:22:08 -0400
From: Gerald Britton <gbritton@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
----- Forwarded message from glen mccready <glen@qnx.com> -----
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
RUMINATIONS
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
-- Jody Nathan
Don't you hate when you travel, and you'll be standing in the middle of
your hotel room naked, and the housekeeper comes walking in
-- *finally*.
-- Tom Shaltry
A few years back, I saw a young child stuck in a tree. Nowadays, when I
find myself in a troubling situation, I look back and wonder if that kid
saw me take that chocolate bar from his backpack on the ground.
-- Tom Wigington
If a tree falls in a forest, and there's nobody around, can I have it?
-- Bill Muse
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I looked
around and thought, "Hey, this isn't even my bed!" And that made me
happy, 'cause it's been a while.
-- Elka Olsen
Every so often, I'll fill my pants with sand, then add a colony of ants,
so that I can see what it would be like to live in an ant farm. So far
it just tickles a little bit.
-- Brian Gibbemeyer
One of my favorite things to do at Thanksgiving is go door-to-door and
collecting canned goods for the needy. Then I go home and make myself
one huge casserole.
-- Brad Milyo
Chiseling through a wall of stone isn't my idea of fun. But chiseling
through a wall of cheese -- now *there's* a party.
-- Brian Auten
If I had a hammer... I'd sell it and get some power tools. 'Cause,
really, what can you do with a hammer?
-- Mariano Arguedas
I sit here, by my computer, all lonely. It's time like this that I wish
my joystick would live up to its name.
-- Smiling Sam
Sometimes I think I couldn't run for political office because I'm too
honest and straightforward. Then I remember that I have a gift for
self-delusion that could take me right to the top.
-- Brandon Eldridge
My friends accused me of being a hypochondriac, which made me think:
What if I *am* a hypochondriac, in addition to all these other ailments
I have?
-- Jenny Wong
As a young magician, I always dreamed of sawing a woman in thirds, but I
never wanted to carry the remainder.
-- Jim Lockwood
Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and
he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-- John A. Hrastar
One day, in the not too distant future, maybe soap and germs will be
friends.
-- Derek Littlefield
Whenever I reflect upon the events of the summer of 1776, I feel thankful
that I wasn't one of the Founding Fathers. Because I'd be dead now.
-- David Gunter
The reason I'm so indecisive is... Okay, well, there are a couple of
reasons.
-- Beth Flanders
I watched the entire 15 minutes of the weather last night and I wondered:
Does anyone *really* gives a rat's ass about the barometric pressure?
-- David Cox
Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard
for the rest of your life.
-- D.C. Moore
If the idle mind is the devil's workshop, then I must be the devil's
Home Depot right about now.
-- Scott E. Frank
I hate the saying "nice guys finish last." Every nice guy I've dated
finished first and didn't last.
-- Kate Hoffman
Whoever said "my kingdom for a nail" probably had a pretty crappy kingdom
anyway.
-- Marshall Gatten
Good thing I wasn't born in Germany, because I don't speak a word of
German.
-- Ben Casey
I like to think about all my failures and stare into the black abyss that
is my future and laugh, because I wasn't really trying that hard to begin
with.
-- Matt Duncan
My girlfriend and I watched the latest Doomsday movie this weekend. She
cried like there was no tomorrow.
-- Paul Hughes
He who lives by the sword, should go out and get himself a really nice
sword.
-- Lev L. Spiro
My Uncle Larry has a saying, "Never play proctologist with an unwilling
goose." Okay, so Uncle Larry drinks a bit.
-- Yobaval
I think in the song "The 12 Days of Christmas", instead of "5 Golden
Rings" it should be "5 Onion Rings", and not just because I'm hungry.
-- David Greenfield
Despite all those e-mail messages, I don't know a single person who
dressed up like a monkey for John Glenn.
-- Ken Prentice
What peeves me is that those characters from the "Love Is..." comic strip
can run around naked, but when *I* try it, I get sent home early from work.
-- Doug Rendall
Despite what the laws of physics dictate, you can go faster than the car
in front of you. The problem is that you can only do it once.
-- Debbie Ryan
Today at the dentist's, I heard a tremendous high-pitched whine and
thought he'd hauled out the drill from hell, but it was just Celine
Dion on the radio.
-- Christopher Arko
I've looked at love from both sides now -- but I still like it on top
best.
-- Jim Rosenberg
Where there's smoke there's fire, but where there's a vague fishy odor,
it could be any number of things.
-- J.P. Styskal
I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride,
it would be really successful. It scares ME half the time and I know
what's in it.
-- R.M. Weiner
I don't know about you, but I can't think of even one way to skin a cat.
-- Tom Sims
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach hundreds of men
to steal fish and give you a percentage... WHOA! You could pretty much
retire!
-- Claire Voltaire
Take it from me, just because Albertson's says, "It's your store," doesn't
mean you can go in and collect "your" money without being arrested.
-- Scott E. Frank
Too bad they didn't have aluminum siding around the time those 3 little
pigs were building their houses. They could have beaten the wolf over
the head with it.
-- Paul Paternoster
Hey, if you're gonna go, go all out -- have Hugh Hefner pick your interns.
-- Mariano Arguedas
And I wonder... still I wonder... who'll stop Lorraine?
-- Patrice
I was just thinking about the carefree summer days of my youth I used to
spend running through the fields and meadows, dancing with butterflies
and singing with the birds. Man, those days sucked.
-- Chris Malysiak
I think the reason American cars aren't as good as Japanese cars is due
to the difference in dinosaurs. Any clunker with a motor can outrun
Barney, but it takes a real speedster to escape Godzilla.
-- Davejames
As I watched the beautiful sunset, the meaning of life suddenly dawned
on me. Of course, I promptly forgot because the circumstances were so
ironic.
-- Jim Morse
School must have been really tough in the days of ancient Rome; back
then, a score of 100 on a test was only worth a C.
-- Guy Velgos
If instead of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, we had the Chief Joints of Staff,
I bet there'd be a lot less concern about wars and stuff.
-- Andreme
If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the head. Oh sure, it
seems obvious now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of
it when it's relevant. Just punch them in the head. And then go get
some ice cream.
-- R.M. Weiner
It's really NOT a small world. Actually, it's a pretty big world, so
don't let that song fool you.
-- Andrew Friedman
I hope in the afterlife I can find some sensible shoes, 'cause really,
who wants to spend eternity with aching feet?
-- Bill Hewins
Sometimes as I lie in the grassy fields next to my house and look at the
starry nighttime sky, I can't help but think, "I sure am glad giant ants
ain't eating my head."
-- Chris Kolakowski
It's a good thing we're not allowed to come to the office naked, because
if we were, where would we clip our badges? Wherever it was, I think it
would hurt a lot.
-- Nat Zettel
I thank my parents all the time for naming me Al, but even more so when
me and the boys have a "Pee your name in the snow" contest.
-- Jennifer Piatak
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask, "What can I do for my
country that wouldn't, y'know, involve doing anything really yucky like
sleeping in a barracks or living under mosquito netting in some, like,
Third World place?"
-- Lev L. Spiro
I told my wife to do her MBA case study on "Old MacDonald" because that
guy needed to narrow his focus. He had entirely too much shit for one
farm.
-- Jim Rosenberg
If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle
the situation is to take off all your clothes. Then people will say,
"Hey, look at the naked guy!" instead of, "Hey, look at the idiot with
his tongue stuck to a pole!"
-- Craig Stacey
X-mas ... X-files ... Coincidence or brilliant marketing ploy?
-- Zachary Good
Sometimes, as I'm walking between lanes on the freeway, I think, "You
know, life just seems like a lot of yelling and honking, doesn't it?"
-- Morgan McNulty
Sarah didn't believe that I loved her, so I shot the President just like
that Hinkley fellow did. Now we have to buy a new TV.
-- Brad Johnson
Seeing the wonder of the universe is as simple as looking through the
eyes of a child. But catching a child and removing their eyes -- now
*that's* the hard part.
-- Charles Gulledge
Sometimes I think if I had a 100 lb. cube of SPAM that I'd get laid more
often, then I think, "No, that's why I got the Pinto."
-- Chris McGee
I stayed home alone on Thanksgiving and made a turkey sandwich. I thought
the irony would be delicious, but it was just so-so.
-- Adam Altman
Between the time saved always using the car pool lane and the hassle saved
never cleaning bird crap off of your car, it's a wonder more people don't
drive with scarecrows in the passenger seat.
-- Davejames
While filling up at Exxon yesterday, I sang "Eye of the Tiger"
simultaneously, y'know, to see if I could get some free gas.
-- Jeff Grant
Well, I think I'll call it a day -- because after all, that's what it is.
-- Tom Sims
Sometimes when I witness a horrible car-pedestrian accident, I think that
maybe I should take time from my busy day to stop and help the innocent
victim. Usually, though, I panic and speed away to the nearest carwash
to clean the blood from my bumper.
-- Tom Caldwell
If humans had cheek pouches like hamsters, I bet restaurants would have
to change the policies on their "all you can eat" buffets.
-- Gail Celio
The other day, I noticed that my bar of soap was dirty. I thought,
"Great. What the hell am I gonna use to clean this?"
-- Dan Machleid
I've seen the commercials telling me how to save money when I call
collect, and I always pick the most expensive one. After all, I'm not
the one paying.
-- Phyllis Persun
You know, if you really want to make your mark on the world, you don't
need fancy clothes or a cool car. All you really need is a big fat Magic
Marker. And if you get a permanent one, nobody can wash it off later.
-- Mariano Arguedas
Aunt Ethel once showed me the barn where Uncle Fred poured gasoline all
over himself and threatened to light himself up if she didn't marry
him. She says he's still just as romantic now as he was back then.
-- Anna Chin-Williams
Is it just me, or does Wilma Flinstone have the nicest little cartoon butt
on her?
-- Scott Ru$$ell
If schools used to be so wonderful, how come every where you look, you
see really stupid old people?
-- Joe Sharkey
Power corrupts, and Absolut vodka messes me up absolutely.
-- Mike Hayward
Sometimes, it's better to lie to children. For example, when a child
asks if they were adopted, say "yes" and lovingly explain that you have
to be extra special to be adopted. Under no circumstances use the word,
"kidnapped."
-- Dave James
I think fences just separate us as humans. When you put up a fence, you
are saying, "Hey, I don't need anyone else. I'm independent." So when
someone drives through your fence, you shouldn't lose your head. Also,
it was my brother in-law's car anyway.
-- Nick DeCamp
The people on the bus smelled just like a hamburger with extra onion.
That's when I started to get a little hungry.
-- Derek Littlefield
If auto-eroticism is legal, then why is statuatory rape a crime? What
makes sex with a car more morally acceptable than sex with a statue?
-- Chris Akre
If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajigee in the
whatchamacallit!
-- R.M. Weiner
When I see the word "manslaughter", I like to think: "man's laughter",
and then I don't feel so bad. Unfortunately, Grandpa was charged with
aggravated homicide.
-- Bob Van Voris
If the "Star Wars" movies are so great, why couldn't they get them right
the first time?
-- Meghan Skinner
Some people think that John Tesh sucks. Well, these are the same idiots
who don't appreciate the genius of Yanni.
-- Tom Sims
It would have been so much cooler if, instead of saying "I cannot tell a
lie," George Washington had said, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
-- Andrew Friedman
Christmas is the time of year to love your fellow man or woman. Just
make sure you have permission, 'cause some people are just not into the
holiday like that.
-- J. Bronstad
When I'm an all-star athlete, I hope my nick name isn't "The Chicken"
because chickens are just wimpy.
-- Andrew Friedman
If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better
than mine and I want credit for it.
-- Anna Chin-Williams
----- End forwarded message -----
