[2751] in Humor
Parenthood Test
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Slim Shady)
Mon Apr 5 16:12:22 1999
From: "Slim Shady" <descentr3@hotmail.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 05 Apr 1999 16:10:22 EDT
Subject: Parenthood Test
(How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready For Parenthood)
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available,
you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try
to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to
12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10%
of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children
to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will
have all the answers.
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