[2495] in Humor
HUMOR: From Dave Barry Turns 50
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Wed Oct 14 18:14:38 1998
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 18:13:17 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
wheger@wbc-architects.com,
"kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com" <kris.m.kelly@us.pwcglobal.com>,
jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, mtsai@bqa.com,
immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com,
nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
"Jean, Marc (GEAE)" <marc.jean@ae.ge.com>, celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
>Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 23:41:47 -0700
>From: Connie Kleinjans <<connie@nanospace.com>
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.06 [en] (Win95; U)
>To: connie@nanospace.com
>Subject: HUMOR: From Dave Barry Turns 50
>
>From: Charles Reynolds <<reynolds@tasherana.com>
>
>"WORDS OF WISDOM AT THE HALF CENTURY MARK" by Dave Barry from his
>forthcoming book, "Dave Barry Turns 50"
>
>1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
>helicopters in it.
>
>2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
>reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time".
>
>3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
>sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
>
>4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
>entertainment.
>
>5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
>you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
>from her at that moment.
>
>6. A penny saved is worthless.
>
>7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
>peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
>hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
>except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle
>East
>will be bitter enemies.
>
>8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
>
>9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
>gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep
>down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
>
>10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
>make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
>
>11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
>
>12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
>never want you to share yours with them.
>
>13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
>generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a
>new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions
>of possible plot premises, it spits out "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
>PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT", and the executives turn this concept
>into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out
>"SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT". Then the
>next time, it spits out "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
>APARTMENT". And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it
>with hammers.
>
>14. Nobody is normal.
>
>15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
>excited and announce:
> -the universe is even bigger than they thought!
> -there are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
> -whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
>
>16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
>has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
>word would be "meetings".
>
>17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
>annoy people who are not in them.
>
>18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of
>what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
> -If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to
> convince you that there are significant differences
> between these two products, both companies realize that
> Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical;
> -If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike
> shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike
> wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is
> unrelated to athletic ability;
> -If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign
> stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on"
> date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing
> to do with how good a beer tastes.
>
>And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at
>the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's
>because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a
>politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan
>Frubert:
>Basically, He Wants Attention", I would quit my job to work for his
>campaign.
>
>19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
>its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
>will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
>hairstyle.
>
>20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
>21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
>person.
>
>22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
>seriously.
>
>23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
>individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
>Very often, that individual is crazy.
>
>24. Your friends love you anyway.
>
>25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
>
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