[2367] in Humor
HUMOR: 1997 DARWIN NOMINEES
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Wed Jul 1 12:10:54 1998
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 1998 12:04:21 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
wheger@wbc-architects.com, Kris_Kelly@notes.pw.com, jbran18610@aol.com,
dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, rpr@ma.ultranet.com, mtsai@bqa.com,
jack.gingras@ae.ge.com, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com, nkahn@gph.com,
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Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, Carlos Zalduondo <cjz@usa.net>,
david_zewinski@harvard.edu
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
X-Sender: immer@po10.mit.edu
Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 11:36:00 -0400
To: smfield@fas.harvard.edu
From: immer@MIT.EDU (Stephen D. Immerman)
Subject: 1997 DARWIN NOMINEES
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:=20
(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove=
a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A=
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of=
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch=
from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the=
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,=
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers=
headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car,=
Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either=
brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to=
the hospital.=20
(# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were=
driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South=
Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of=
a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing (I guess that would=
be harder to miss than the side of a barn!). The vehicle became wedged=
between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside=
the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.=
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half, they approached an=
unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before=
they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from=
the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed=
to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor=
bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he=
slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The=
woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree=
hospital with chest injuries.=20
(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with=
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.=
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette=
and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver)=
to Ken's head and fired.=20
(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death=
on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local=
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer=
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."=20
(# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,=
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in=
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.=20
(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow=
bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would=
protected him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard=
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the=
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)=20
(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided=
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose=
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He=
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot=
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet=
missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the=
threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished=
the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water=
by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of=
hypothermia.=20
(# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington=
man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as=
suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and=
by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:=20
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.=20
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion=
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public=
places.=20
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car=
parked at the front door.=20
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee=
before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber=
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk=
promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other=
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. =20
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities) =20
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home=
video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had=
written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire,=
the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by=
dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved=
unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree=
burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film. =
=20
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he=
handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the=
snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake=
immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr. Cruwe survived the wound and=
recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.=20
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and=
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels,=
age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the=
beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the=
group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some=
100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal,=
Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe,=
intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to=
ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the=
pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by=
wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first=
approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The=
subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way=
he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled=
pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness=
Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home,=
right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In=
all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler=
Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a=
loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually=
pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon=
at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." =20
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one=
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of=
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least=
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30a.m. Upon arrival at=
the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee=
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out=
that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was=
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His=
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at=
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the=
Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.=
"All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that=
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot=
was never located.=20
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of=
the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their=
rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities=
questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a=
cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,=
shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained=
in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly=
informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had=
apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield,=
forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.=
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a=
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,=
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of=
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
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