[2225] in Humor
fwd
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yelya)
Wed Jan 28 16:18:15 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 16:06:30 EST
From: Yelya <yelya@MIT.EDU>
> Adam Sandler's Horoscopes
>
> Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
> You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
> progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same
> mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone
> thinks you are a fucking jerk.
>
> Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
> You are a pioneer type and think most people are
> dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of
> advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in
> contact with. You are a prick.
>
> Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
> You have a wild imagination and often think you are being
> followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on
> your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
> You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
>
> Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
> You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
> determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
> stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned
> communist.
>
> Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
> You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
> because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too
> much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard.
> Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
>
> Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
> You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
> problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always
> putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare
> and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
>
> Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
> You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
> an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot
> tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
> are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than
> sex.
>
> Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
> You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your
> shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and
> co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall
> asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and
> pimps.
>
> Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
> You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing
> with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.
> Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most
> Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
>
> Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
> You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business
> and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of
> success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the
> perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
>
> Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
> You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
> tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The
> majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless
> piece of shit.
>
> Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
> You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
> basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of
> any importance. You should kill yourself.
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