[1959] in Humor
Star Wars : The "Pimped-Out" Edition
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Aaron Quetzal Rogers)
Fri Mar 14 17:18:39 1997
Date: Fri, 14 Mar 1997 17:12:05 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Aaron Quetzal Rogers <bigbird@MIT.EDU>
>>>Well, we figured many great movies out there were the "pimped-out" ones,
>>>such as
>>>Shaft, Dolemite, Disco Godfather, Black Belt Jones, I'm Gonna Git You
>>>Sucka, and
>>>Petey Wheatstraw. So, what would be a good movie to turn into a pimped out
>>>movie
>>>? Why, Star Wars, of course. Here are a list of changes that would have
to be
>>>made, to make Star Wars the truly great trilogy it was meant to be.
>>>
>>> The Millennium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear.
It
>>> also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons.
>>>
>>> The chess table is replaced by the craps table.
>>>
>>> At the Cantina, Han Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of
>>> Old-English 800.
>>>
>>> Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka
>>> execution style.
>>>
>>> C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless English white guy.
>>>
>>> Artoo is a short Hispanic man with Turret's syndrome (he's always
>>> wise-cracking at 3P0).
>>> Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings.
>>> The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers.
>>> The Emperor becomes The Man.
>>>
>>> Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting.
>>>
>>> Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45.
>>> Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.
>>>
>>> The Force would be some pharmacological substance which can be grown
>>> in your backyard.
>>>
>>> Obi Wan is a Dead-Head who goes around trying to give the Force away
>>> for free.
>>> Blasters are replaced with 9's.
>>> The Ewoks are the gangs from China Town, carrying switchblades.
>>>
>>> Vader's a crack dealer (Dark Side of the Force).
>>>
>>> Jabba's place is a disco. Jabba remains the same.
>>>
>>> Boba-Fett is an Sicilian hitman named Guido ("And I want them alive .
>>> Nooooooo cement shoes").
>>>
>>> Han's known only as "1 bad mutha".
>>>
>>> Uncle Owen is the equivalent of the father on the Wayan's Brothers.
>>> He doesn't want Luke to leave, because he needs him at the local
>>> convenience store.
>>>
>>> The Jawas are replaced by the local fences. (Say my man, you want a
>>> watch?).
>>>
>>> Sand People are replaced by drunken hillbilly rednecks (They're
>>> easily startled, but they'll soon be back). Banthas become monster
>>> trucks with gun racks, mud flaps, and 4000 watts of flood lights on
>>> the roll bars.
>>>
>>> The Gammorean guard would be replaced by huge black guys named Tiny.
>>>
>>> The stormtroopers (i.e., the cops) would be paid off with a bag of
>>> the Force ("these aren't the droids you're looking for..." "move
>>> along...")
>>>
>>> Yoda's all shriveled, short, and green because he's been holding in
>>> the same hit for a looooong time ("When 900 years you reach, look so
>>> good, you will not, hmmmmm?")
>>>
>>> The best Force is found on Dagobah.
>>>
>>> The entire soundtrack is redone by George Clinton and the Parliament
>>> Funkadelic.
>>>
>>> X-Wings are replaced by low-riders.
>>>
>>> Bespin is a huge whippet manufacturing plant, busted by the Man.
>>>
>>> Chewie is some huge Cuban (hence the accent) guy named Jesus.
>>> ("Cubans have been known to rip people's arms off when they lose.").
>>>
>>> Donna Summer is singing at Jabba's Disco (Jabba remains the same).
>>>
>>> Luke is the ultimate player Mac Daddy. He pimps his own sister to his
>>> best friend.
>>>
>>> Luke's so bad, he's on the chronic : hence he's wearing all black
>>> when he enters Jabba's place (Jabba remains the same).
>>>
>>>
>>> Scene Changes
>>>
>>> Uncle Owen :"We talked about this before. I need you here at the
>>> Qwiki-Mart behind the counter."
>>> Luke :"Yo, G, I just wanna chill with the homies!"
>>> Uncle Owen :"But closing time's when I need you the most."
>>>
>>> Leia :"You're not actually going into the projects are you?"
>>> Han :"Shut up bee-otch. They'd be crazy to follow us wouldn't they?"
>>>
>>> Luke :"Yo, Artoo, get this door open for me."
>>> Artoo:"Ok, esse!"
>>>
>>> (scene at Mos Eisley where Luke is accosted and Obi Wan saves his
ass)
>>>
>>> (Luke is tapped on shoulder by a hand with many big gold rings)
>>> Guy: "Eh yo, man, my homie ain't down wich u."
>>> (Luke turns away and is tapped again)
>>> Guy: "Eh yo man! I ain't down wich u neithuh!"
>>> Guy: "Ya'll just watch yo sorry ass. We all's wanted muthas. I gots
>>> post office posters in more hoods 'n i got gold chains"
>>> Luke: "Yo man, it,s cool, i be cool.."
>>> Guy: "YO ASS'LL BE CAPPED SUCKAH!!"
>>>
>>> (at this point Kenobi steps in)
>>>
>>> Kenobi: "Now ya'll chiiill man. . .let's be cool, i got 40s for
>>> everyone"
>>> (Guy attacks Luke. In that one instance, Kenobi pulls out some Force,
>>> lights it, takes a few puffs, whips his AK out and wastes the lot of
>>> em, all faster than anyone could have followed)
>>>
>>>
>>>------- End of humor message -------
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