[195] in Humor
HUMOR: Recent Short Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Apr 13 09:37:13 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 94 09:34:51 EDT
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 94 12:50:26 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
strange but true story about the information highway...
wednesday morning KPFA had a "communications revolution" segment about the
Information Highway and electronic newspapers. Some conservative panel
members were bashing the Internet, and decrying the creation of a computer
elite. I used my carphone to phone in to the show, felt fairly anonymous,
identifying myself as "Max from San Mateo" over the air... and proceeded to
outline the benefits of America On Line, and communicating with people
overseas with Internet, versus traditional media. I also dropped in a few
comments on the dangers of large corporations hoping to "commercialize" the
Internet.
I got to the office to find voice mail from a wonderful woman I used to
work with, whom I'd lost track of for *12 years*.... She was commuting on
the 405 in San Diego, listening to Pacifica radio, heard my voice... and
immediately decided it was me because (a) nobody else talks that fast and
(b) my "subversive" views. She used her car phone to call directory
assistance in San Mateo and got my home number.
Just call Highway 101 the "IN formation HI way"
- -----------------------------------
If you look at any list of great modern writers such
as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner and F. Scott
Fitzgerald, you'll notice: 1) they all had editors,
2) they are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific
conclusion that editors are fatal. - Dave Barry
- -----------------------------------
From: rossix!rwc.dnet!apdma@openlink.openlink.com (Mary Ann Anthony)
From: ROSSIX::"LHALLGRE@us.oracle.com" 18-MAR-1994 15:16:02.59
Subj: Laws of Combat
> >LAWS OF COMBAT
> >1. If the enemy is in range then so are you.
> >2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
> >3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
> >4. There is always a way.
> >5. The easy way is always mined.
> >6. Try to look unimportant: they may be low on ammo.
> >7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
> >8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
> > a. when you're ready for them.
> > b. when you're not ready for them.
> >9. Teamwork is essential: it gives them someone else to shoot at.
> >10. If you can't remember then the claymore is pointed at you.
> >11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
> >12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
> >13. If your attack is going well then you have walked into an ambush.
> >14. Never draw fire: it irritates everyone around you.
> >15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
> >16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
> >to get out.
> >17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
> >18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
> >19. When you have secured an area don't forget to tell the enemy.
> >20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
- -----------------------------------
> From: gary@biocad.com (Gary Chappell)
> Newsgroups: alt.consumers.free-stuff
> From: msolinas@netcom.com (Michael Solinas)
>
> Joseph A. Liu (josephl@clark.net) wrote:
> : Kenneth Martin (omega@larry.infi.net) wrote:
> : : Go to IRC and /msg acidflux idcc list for pirate software straight to your
> : : directory
> : So, What kind of stuff they have?
> : Joseph
>
> Joseph, Joseph, Joseph! Come on! You know! PIRATE Software. Stuff like
> pirate ship route plotting software, galley inventory software, recipes for
> rum based food, stuff like that. You won't find any software with 3D
> imaging, because of that eye-patch thing.
- -----------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bruce.pennypacker@channel1.com (Bruce Pennypacker)
Subject: Avoiding a radar trap
This story was told to me by a friend of a friend. I don't know if it's
true or not, but makes for a great story. This (supposedly) takes place
before radar detectors were as popular as they are today.
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders
along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the
road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while
setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this
location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and
decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down
to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the
officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that
passed him were travelling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the
passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He
couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well
concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was
there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.
He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100
yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year
old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". A little more investigative work led the
officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet full of
change.
- -----------------------------------
From: rossix!rwc.dnet!apdma@openlink.openlink.com (Mary Ann Anthony)
From: ROSSIX::"fbarling@mv.us.adobe.com" 28-MAR-1994 08:27:52.26
Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock
10. Not everyone looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
future generations.
- -----------------------------------
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
From: Steve Berczuk <berczuk@space.mit.edu>
From: Rod Holland - Sun BOS Software <rjh@aum.East.Sun.COM>
Subject: opportunity for a look & feel suit?
Subject: From PCWeek UK
Lycra 2.0
Last week's London Evening Standard describes a newly developed fabric
used to make clothes "with as few seams as possible, for a body-hugging
collection designed to banish VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) and other unsightly
bulges."
The name of this new material?
"Find Microsoft at branches of Sock Shop in central London."
And expect to find lawyers with American accents sifting through the
lingerie.
- -----------------------------------
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
From: glenn@rightbrain.com (Glenn Reid)
Subject: ALPHA Testers
I saw another Alpha Romeo in Palo Alto today.
I can't believe they haven't gotten that thing
into beta yet!
I'm still waiting for the product line to mature:
Beta Romeo
Romeo 1.0
Romeo 1.1 (bug fix release)
Romeo II
Alpha Juliet (companion product)
Glenn Reid
glenn@rightbrain.com
- -----------------------------------
> From: gary@biocad.com
Top Ten', NewMedia magazine, April 1994, pg 16:
Clinton and Gore's Runner-Up Names
For the Information Superhighway
10) The Pixel Parkway
9) Al's Joint
8) Bill and Al's Joint
7) Bill, Al, Raymond, John, Gerald, Barry and Sumner's Joint
6) CompuServe, Prodigy or American Online
5) Poor People Go Fish
4) Big Ol' Interactive Thingamajig
3) The Digital Backyard Barbecue
2) The Long and Winding Net
1) Super Speedy Zoom Zoom Room
- -----------------------------------
"Michael D. Phoenix" <mickey@CS.Stanford.EDU>
_Starkle, Starkle_
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
What the deuce you are I think!
I'm not under what they call
The affluence of incohol.
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Feel so dizzy--don't know why
So pass the bottle and kill my fup
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
- -----------------------------------
