[194] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave on Taxes (from 1992)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Apr 13 09:32:30 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 94 09:30:22 EDT
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 94 12:22:46 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
DAVE ANSWERS YOUR TROUBLING TAX QUESTIONS
by Dave Barry
April 15 is almost here, and as a public service we have once again
assembled a distinguished panel of leading consumer financial advisers
from around the nation to answer your common tax questions.
Unfortunately they once again got into the gin at the hotel hospitality
suite and were arrested in the lobby fountain wearing only a thin film
of avocado dip. So once again we are going to answer your common tax
questions ourselves.
But first we have word of an important new initiative by the Internal
Revenue Service (official motto: "See Schedule 936850345-D For Official
Motto"). We found out about this from a newsletter sent out by Donald
Mitgang, director of the Buffalo, N.Y., IRS district. A copy was mailed
to us by alert reader and Certified Public Accountant Suzanne Pfister,
to whom we say: Thanks, and be prepared to spend the rest of your life
undergoing tax audits so thorough that you will be required to produce
your individual toenail clippings from as far back as 1967.
According to Director Mitgang's newsletter, the IRS initiative is called
"Compliance 2000."
"To put it in a nutshell," he states, "it is a new philosophical
approach toward compliance. We hope it will result in a more compliant
taxpayer."
We love the sound of that: "... result in a more compliant taxpayer." It
sounds as though they're developing a new strain of goat.
Director Mitgang explains that the goal of the Compliance 2000
initiative is "to determine why taxpayers are not complying and what we
need to do to make them compliant."
Whoa! THERE'S a real mystery! Why aren't taxpayers complying with the
tax code? Hmmmmmm. We have been wracking our brain, trying to think of a
possible cause, and we are wondering if -- this is going to sound
farfetched -- maybe it has something to do with the fact that the tax
code is larger than the average taxpayer's home and nobody in the entire
world really understands it because it was apparently written by hostile
mutant non-English-speaking lawyers from space, plus it is revised about
every 25 minutes, plus it is used to take taxpayers' money away and turn
it over to a federal government that routinely spends it on activities
like declaring National Deviled Ham Awareness Month.
Nah, that couldn't be it. It's probably some kind of chemical disorder
in the taxpayers' brains.
Anyway, until the IRS is able to develop an improved taxpayer, possibly
through a combination of genetic engineering and electric fences, you
should try to be as compliant as possible. You can start by studying the
answers to these:
COMMON TAXPAYER QUESTIONS
Q. If I use the standard 1040 tax form, how do I indicate my preference
regarding the Elvis stamp?
A. You simply write "THIN ELVIS" or "FAT ELVIS" in the box labeled
"Spouse's Social Security Number."
Q. What is a good amount to pretend that I gave to charity?
A. Many taxpayers have obtained excellent results with "$2,379.52."
Q. I am a joint taxpayer filing singly with three dependents living
separately but calling all the time. In 1991 my gross exclusionary non-
reimbursed net taxable income was $26,365.47, with an adjusted excess
itemized disqualifying redemption of $3,109.23, but I don't have any
questions because I mailed in my tax return on Jan. 3 and I already got
my refund nyah nyah nyah.
A. We hope you develop a kidney stone the size of Richard Simmons.
Q. In reviewing my tax records for 1991, I find that they consist of a
cardboard box filled with cash-register receipts that are impossible to
read because apparently nobody in the United States has ever replaced a
cash-register ribbon. So now I'm trying to do my taxes and it's 1:30
a.m. and I have IRS forms all over the kitchen table snarling at me and
demanding to know things like do I have any capital gain distributions
not reported on line 13, and all I have to refresh my memory is 500
little pieces of curled-up paper, each of which has maybe four ink
molecules on it, and the only financial information I can obtain from
them, using a powerful magnifying glass, is "HAVE A NICE DAY." My
question is: Is the commissioner of Internal Revenue still named "Fred"?
A. Yes, and Fred has a nice letter in the Form 1040 instruction booklet
in which he states that the IRS is "testing exciting new approaches by
letting certain taxpayers file by telephone and by doing the math for
taxpayers who ask for our help."
Q. I'm going to call him right now.
A. Good idea! Don't mention our name.
(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
