[1345] in Humor
HUMOR: Recent short bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 11 10:06:52 1996
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 09:54:30 EST
Date: Sun, 10 Mar 1996 18:06:26 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
>
> Found on fortune cookie:
> "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks
> advice from bakery products."
-----------------------------
From: geri@Rational.COM
I took my grandmother to the hair dresser the other day and there was a new
girl on staff. As my grandmother sat in the chair she said to the new
girl.....
grandma: "YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP BECAUSE I'M HAVING A BAD DAY"
girl: "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU"
grandma: "IT'S BEEN SUCH A BAD DAY I JUST DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHICH END IS UP"
girl: "WELL YOU BETTER MAKE UP YOUR MIND BECAUSE I HAVE TO SHAMPOO IT
-----------------------------
When eras die, their legacies
Are left to strange police.
Professors in New England guard
The glory that was Greece.
-- Clarence Day, from Thoughts Without Words
Submitted by: harvey@acf2.NYU.EDU (harvey)
Nov. 26, 1995
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"The fact of the matter is, we scientists are simply not all that
interesting. If I may generalize wildly, we are usually dull people
with interesting ideas -- as distinguished from artists (interesting
people with dull ideas) and dancers and athletes (dull people with dull
ideas and magnificent physical skills)."
- "Science Faction", by James S. Trefil, Scientific American, November
1995
Submitted by: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Nov. 15, 1995
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-----------------------------
From: mbeyries@netmanage.com
< forwards seeking counseling ... >
A woman from this small town is driving her stationwagon with a load of kids
in the car. She runs through a stop sign and is observed by a state trooper.
The trooper pulls her over, then walks up to the car. The kids are really
unruly, causing a raucus, when the trooper says, "Lady, don't you know when
to stop?" The lady looks at the kids, then replies, "officer they're not all
mine."
-------------------------------------
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
...
Forwarded by: Shane Higgins <higginss@ozemail.com.au>
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000
over that beacon!"
(Brief pause, then first voice again):
"You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
-----------------------------
From: "Jim Pellmann" <jgp@Rational.COM>
In looking through some old copies of Wired Magazine, I came across this
useful term (attributed to Elibeth P. Crowe's book _The Electronic Traveler_):
Ohnosecond -- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.
-----------------------------
From: "Michael Beyries" <mbeyries@smtpgate.Chelmsford.Telebit.COM>
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter.
Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!". Man says "But this is a
Seeing Eye dog!". Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're
going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says
"The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's
a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK". Second man looks dubiously at his
tiny
Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!". Man stares
straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
-----------------------------
>From rec.humor (attribution unknown):
> Japanese products are often adorned with rather interesting English
> phrases. My boss, Anne, saw two large beach towels hanging in the
> window of a Tokyo department store. One showed a cartoon puppy and
> said "Puppy Dog" in big letters. The other, featuring a kitten, had a
> different label: "Puppy Cat."
-----------------------------
From: "archerp" <archerp@aisx.com>
Subject: Life According to Jerry Seinfeld "SeinLanguage"
Something to think about?
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the
doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you
make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put
your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of
you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end
of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't
throw up!
