[1298] in Humor
HUMOR: Driving in Seattle
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Feb 12 14:11:55 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 1996 13:38:30 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 1996 10:15:25 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Driver's guide to Seattle
From: rossix!rwc.dnet!apdma@openlink.one-o.com (Mary Ann Anthony)
Driver's guide to Seattle
In order to effectively drive in Seattle, it is important to
understand the methods of driving already accepted as standard in this
area. The following is a set of standardized behaviors:
1- That thingy on the steering column is not a turn indicator, it is a
turn "REQUESTER". Once you have placed your request, remain in your
lane until the car behind you passes. At that point, begin this
process again and continue until all cars have received your request
and passed. Should you decide at any time to actually CHANGE lanes,
be prepared for a hearty bleat of the horn from the car behind you.
Once all the cars have passed, change lanes quickly and slow down.
2- That thingy in the middle of your steering wheel is a mistake.
Never, ever push it, it makes noise and frightens the people around
you. The only time it is acceptable to use that thing is if you have
decided that the person in front of you should not be allowed to
change lanes, but has done so anyway.
3- While waiting at a green light, remember this rule, you must wait
at least 3 seconds for every car lined up behind you, if you have
trouble with the math, take your time and make sure you get it right.
4- Merging lanes of traffic follow the ancient native rhythms of "you
go, I go, I go, I go, you go, you go, we wait, I go, you honk, I
signal, you go", repeat.
5- When leaving busy traffic to enter a driveway or other private
egress, stop completely before signalling, signal, then follow the
same "Rules of Waiting" outlined for green lights.
6- If you are driving and another car is within seven feet of you to
either side, subtract 15 mph from your overall speed, preferably
without notice. If you are on a two-lane bridge or limited road,
subtract another 10 mph for safety's sake. When raining, look over to
the side of the road, if you are traveling faster than pedestrians,
slow down.
7- If you see snow, even if you THINK you see snow, pull over and
leave your vehicle immediately. For rain, see rule 6.
8- Pedestrians have the right of way. This includes pedestrians that
have not entered the crosswalk, pedestrians thinking about crossing
the street, and pedestrians that just happen to be nearby. When in
doubt, apply the Rules of Waiting whenever a pedestrian is within
sight.
9- If your car is suddenly grabbed from below and forced to move more
quickly, that is gravity and you are on a hill. Step on the brakes
and slow down.
10- Never, for any reason whatsoever, drive as if you have someplace
to go, it will confuse and frighten those around you who enjoy driving
for hours on end.
11- If you see a giant ball of flame, that is the sun. It will not
hurt you, but slow down, just to be sure.
A few notes about the Municipal Roadworks in Seattle
1- If you decide to take a bus, set aside an evening to plan your
trip. You will need: Bus maps, a pad and pencil, a calculator, a
compass, a protractor and a ruler. Do not wait until your trip to
figure it out. You will not be allowed to ask people at the bus stop,
strangers that talk out loud are frowned upon and considered worth
ignoring completely.
2- Traffic lights are timed according to the same ancient native
rhythms described above. Translated, they are: Red, Green, Green,
Green, Red, Stop sign, yellow, Pioneer square, red. Never expect to
see more than two green lights in a row, if you do, report it
immediately. More than two green lights when you are stuck at a red
light do not count.
3- There are express lanes on I-5 with an exit in Tacoma, one in the
U district and the last one at the Canadian Border. These lanes are
efficient for trips to or from Alaska.
4- Right about now, while you are reading this, 90 is faster than
520, regardless of your location or direction.
5- When travelling to or from work across the 520 bridge, take your
family, a pet, a few of your neighbors and the local pizza delivery
boy. This will ensure that you can use the express lanes.
6- There are three bridges in, on or under Lake Washington.
7- If you happen to live in the Seattle Center and want to go
downtown, don't walk the seven blocks, take the monorail, that's what
it's there for.
