[1278] in Humor
More Bird Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Susie Kidder)
Tue Jan 23 18:09:56 1996
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 1996 14:45:38 -0800
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: kidder@mail.sdsu.edu (Susie Kidder)
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 1996 16:38:26 -0500
From: "Douglas M. McCullough" <macadoo@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Re: Truly Exoctic Bird Sightings
This was too much. I just cannot help myself. I acknowledge that this post
will likely generate a lot of flames. In any event, here it is:
Let me get a picture of this.
OK, I got it. Let me tell you what my fantasy is about.
Slidy William goes out for his daily plod with his security team. Freddy
the Eagle is minding his own business drifting around in the warm air (of
which there is no paucity in Sodom on the Potomac) over the our nation's
capital. The President's group is very slowly trotting towards the
Washington Monument.
Ol' Fred feels the urge to purge and just squirts away. Gravity, which is
still not politically incorrect and which still (unlike most entities)
functions across the river from the Puzzle Palace, takes effect.
Fred's offer to the coffer (for he was over the mint when he made his
statement on the affairs of men) is picked up by the wind (of which, also
there is plenty in that part of Northern Virginia) and blows in a
northwesterly direction.
Vector analysis later conducted by the FAA, the Secret Service, Mike
McCarty, the FBI, the Justice Department Office of Investigations of
Assaults on Elected Officials, and the senior senator from West Virginia
resulted in the following conculsion.
This unfortunate assault on the dignity of the office of the President of
the United States was probably a conspiracy for the following reasons.
1. Bad luck could not possibly account for the incident. Everyone knows
that whatever happens the target of the assault never ends up with excrement
on his face, regardless of what he does.
2. Neither Mr. Gingrich nor any other Republicans suffered in any way
from this incident. In fact the obvious levity in all conservative circles
is highly suspect.
3. The cameras that recorded the impact of the offending projectile on
the President were ostensibly on site to get footage of the Right To Life
demonstration, a group known to oppose the President's views on this issue.
4. The cheers that arose from the Right To Life demonstrators appeared
not to be spontaneous. George Stephanopolous was quoted as follows, "Those
people must have known what was going to happen. It is also apparent that
this group consisted of mean spirited right wing troglodytes. Any normal
patriotic cross section of our society would have been highly offended by
what happened, but this group was actually cheering the bird that committed
the offense.
5. Finally, and probably of the greatest concern to the Administration,
three Marines who were out for their morning run and observed the incident
immediately went into a giggling fit. Probable military involvement in this
obvious conspiracy is being investigated. What else could possibly explain
such glee among the President's military subordinates?
The Administration is considering the following actions.
1. Clearing the air space over the President at all times for a distance
out to 2 miles. This appears to be redundant, however that is not really
the case. In the past clearing the airspace addressed only aircraft. It
has been expanded to include birds.
2. Secret Service agents will, in the future, be armed with very large
shotguns for which steel shot will not be required (lead shot has much
better ballistic performance than does steel shot). At least one agent in
the detail will be armed with an umberella to protect the President should
any offending bird emit a projectile prior to being shot down by armed agents.
3. Bald Eagles that appear within 2 miles of the President will no longer
be protected by law. An unnamed White House source tells us that the
President is very sorry that this particular measure is necessary, however
he feels the situation calls for drastic measures. An unnamed source from
the RNC has told us that the President's advisors are really concerned about
the negative image of the National Bird dumping on the Commander & Chief.
An indigent Bald Eagle is in custody, but so far he refuses to cooperate
with law enforcement officials.
All members of the security detail which failed to protect the President
have been relegated to cleaning bird cages at the National Zoo.
The three Marines are in custody at Walter Reed Hospital where they were
taken after they were blinded by tears and ran into a tree.
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Susie Kidder =]
kidder@mail.sdsu.edu
My parrot is psittacine of the month!!
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