[1279] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. British excerpts
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (clineja@MIT.EDU)
Wed Jan 24 17:01:57 1996
From: <clineja@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 16:22:33 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: "Matthew T. Reagan" <reagan@MIT.EDU>
From: vanessa@MIT.EDU
From: michael.goldberg@twcable.com
Subject: This just in . . . (from the other side of the pond)
A rolling cheese race, part of an ancient custom, was halted near
Cheltenham after 18 people were injured by a runaway cheese.
Western Morning News 31 May 95
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Mrs Susan Day has named her new son Henry George Zippedy Doo Dah Day.
She said, "I was going to call him Sonny, but Sonny Day just sounded
silly.!
BBC Radio 4. 24 Apr 1995
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A Yorkshire man, who's wife had recently died, commissioned a headstone
with the biblical text "She Was Thine" to grace the grave. On
returning a couple of weeks later the man was somewhat dismayed to see
that the mason had got the inscription wrong, and it read "She Was
Thin".
"You've forgotten the E.", he informed the mason, who was horrified and
apologised profusely and promised that it would be rectified
immediatelly and would be ready in two days.
When the man returned to review the correction the inscription now
read,
"Ee, She Was Thin."
Radio 4 'Quote, Unquote'. 11 May 95
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Having miraculously escaped a six-storey fall in the Belgian town of
Namur with only a broken nose, labourer Gerd Berghman got himself to
his feet and instantly fainted at the sight of his own blood. In
falling to the ground once again, M Berghman broke his ankle.
The Guardian 8 Sept 1995
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William Howarth (82) was banned from driving for a year after
travelling north for 20 miles on the southbound carriageway of the A34.
Police succeeded in stopping him once, but after apologising, he drove
off again, still heading the wrong way.
He was finally halted by a roadblock. After the hearing at Abingdon
magistrates court he thanked the police for their courteous treatment
and vowed to take the train in future.
The Guardian 27 December 1995
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The administrators of a charity which provides transistor radios to
elderly people recently received the following letter.
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to thank you so much for the radio.
I do so enjoy listening to the radio. Mrs Willis, with whom I share a
room has a radio, but she never lets me listen to it.
Now I have my own radio and can listen to all those wonderful
documentary programs and the plays and serials which I enjoy so much.
Thank you very, very much. I realy can't express my gratitude
sufficiently. You have made an old lady very happy.
Yours trully,
Mrs. * *******
PS. Mrs Willis just came in to say that her radio was broken and to
ask if she could listen to mine. I told to her to buzz off.
>From a medical journal. Attribution lost.
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Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked
up completely with an unexpected reading of over 300mph. The mystery
was explained seconds later as a low-flying RAF Harrier hurtled over
their heads.
The boys in blue, upset over the damage to their radar gun, put in a
complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened by the reply which
pointed out that damage to police resources could have been
considerably greater.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and
triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack, but luckily
for the two guys on the ground, the weapons systems were not armed.
Pilot Magazine
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A Norman castle in Cornwall is being treated with cow dung and yoghurt
to restore its original colouring.
Western Morning News 8 Nov 95
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A little local problem ...
A method for treating donkeys for alcoholism, based on Guinness and
crisps, has been devised by a Devon donkey sanctuary.
Oldham Chronicle 6 Nov 95
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A Buckinghamshire bank manager and his young female assistant got
accidentally locked inside the bank's cash machine while 'loading it
with notes'. They were freed when a customer heard their cries of
distress while trying to extract cash from the machine. The luckless
pair were finally released when the key was pushed throught the slot
which accepts the plastic card, but only after the woman customer
renegotiated the charges on her overdraft.
Yorkshire Evening Post, 12 Oct 1995.
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Failing standards in science education appear to be the possible cause
of a fairly fundemental error made by burglars in Sittingbourne, Kent
last night, who attempted to gain entry to a store-room in a fireworks
factory - using oxy-acetalene cutting equipment.
The blast at Skyhigh Pyrotechnics was heard five miles away as the
former WWII ammunition dump made of foot-thick concrete was reduced to
rubble.
Police, who were checking for bodies believe the raiders first set fire
to their getaway van, which probably in turn set fire to the fireworks,
although they probably had time to get away.
Rod McGregor, one of the firm's owners, estimated the blast cost them
150,000 pounds. He added:
"You can plan for every eventuality but the last thing you expect is
anyone to attack an explosives factory with an oxy-acetalene torch."
How true.
>From The Guardian, 6 Oct 1995.
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A Herefordshire woman has been given 27 Pounds in compensation after
her bank found it had inadvertently debited her account with the
account number, taking her a cool 40 million Pounds overdrawn.
Hereford Times, 28 Sept 95
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Bet they blamed the computer ...
Sun Alliance Insurance has offered a Gwent householder free insurance
after he received 447 identical circulars from them in the space of two
days.
Daily Telegraph 27 Sept 95
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London-bound travellers at Oxford missed their train the other day
because staff mislaid the key to the station's main entrance.
Oxford Mail 19 Sept 95
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A firm making treatments for athlete's foot is offering a L500 prize to
the owner of the smelliest socks in Britain.
Coventry Telegraph 16 Sept 95
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A Cardiff butcher has protested about a Funeral Parlour opening next to
his shop and has put up a sign saying "Our meat is fresher than next
door's."
Western Mail 7 Sept 1995
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A burglar in Burnley, Lancashire, who robbed his next door neighbour's
house was caught when he hung the curtains he had stolen in his own
windows.
Burnley Express 24 Aug 1995
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"Will the person who took a slice of cake from the commisioner's office
return it immediatelly," reads a sign seen this week in a police
canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand. "It is needed as evidence in a
poisoning case."
Guardian. 19 Jul 1995
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A golfing Porthcawl deputy headmaster, approaching the 17th hole,
surprised himself and an opponent and astonished a local sheep, when he
drove his ball straight up the animals bottom. However, the obliging
animal walked on to deposit the ball some 30 yards nearer the green.
Yorkshire Post 3 June 95
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A 19 year old man who lay on the tracks in front of a train at Nuneaton
station attacked the driver when he refused to run him over.
Coventry Telegraph 2 June 95
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A Sutton Coalfield car thief failed to spot the owner's mother in law
on the back seat. He dropped her at traffic lights after she screamed
at him.
Yorkshire Evening Press 29 May 95
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The new UK National Lottery has helped many of the lucky winners
achieve lifetime ambitions. None more so than the lady who described
her aspirations thus ...
"I've always wanted to go to America and now I can. I want to see the
Grand Canyon and go down on a donkey."
BBC Radio 4 22 May 1995.
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A 62 year old Gloucestershire grandmother has been warned by doctors
not to skateboard again after her first attempt landed her in hospital
with a dislocated shoulder.
Yorkshire Evening Press. 14 Apr 1995
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