[1267] in Humor
HUMOR: Tangled tongues
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Jan 19 11:08:17 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 10:39:34 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 23:58:21 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Thomas Fuller once declared, "Birds are entangled by their feet and men
by their tongues."
Recently a disk jockey announced on the air, "And now we are going to
hear a recording of Rimski-Korsakov's Bum Of the Flightful Bee."
A newscaster declared, "A parade will follow the Governor's Conference.
At 2 PM, the cars will leave their headquarters just as soon as the
governors are loaded!" Another newsman reported that a policeman in
arresting a motorist had found the suspect "under the affluence on
incohol."
Despite careful preparation, video and radio performers and announcers
continue to mouth spontaneous bobbles. A TV spieler blundered, "So
ladies, we urge you to shave at Cook's.. I mean shake at Cook's. What I
really mean is that you can shave at Cook's. Lordy, I mean save at
Cook's!" Another TV pitcherman declared, "Summer is here, and with it
those lazy days at the beach; and don't forget your _____ sun lotion.
______ is the lotion that lets you burn but never lets you tan.
A radio announcer asked the listeners to stay tuned for the "most
apprehensive coverage of the news." A newscaster bumbled into the
microphone, "This is your 11 o'clock news with an on-the-pot report.. I
mean on-the-spot retort. I mean the on-the-tot resort.. Oh well, let's
just skip it." An equally mixed up newsman reported, "In the head-on
collision of the two passanger cars, five people were killed in the
crash, two quite seriously.
Weather reporters are notorious for the gaffes. One predicted "shattered
tunder scours." Another calmly forecast, "Rowdy followed by clain."
Still another weather bumbler said the following day's weather would be
smoggy with light "ear eyetation."
Cases of getting the "hart before the course" results in such
commercials as, "Come in at the sign of the clock, where it only takes
six months to open a three-minute charge account." Another announcer
blooped, "We will have to discuss this proposition with Bill Dale, who
is brilliant when it comes to transactions like these. Why he has more
brains in his little finger than he has in his whole head!"
There is no telling who will make the gaffe, or when. Not long ago an
actor reaching for a bell pull announced that he would "give the bull a
pill." Anyone pulling such a fluff should continue on as though nothing
had happened. Trying to correct a slip frequently seems to compound it.
One thespian, for instance, was giving the butler directions on how to
set the table. "Place the sporks and foons," he bumbled. Pausing, he
tried again, "The porks and sfoons..." The next attempt brought "I mean,
of course, the sforks and poons...." He never did make it.
At a basketball game in Los Angeles, the sportscaster flubbed, "We will
return to the Sports Arena as soon as technical difficulties are
resumed." Another on watched a long fly ball soar toward the outfield.
"Bob Johnson is backing up for the ball," he told the listeners.
"Back...way back... he hits his head against the wall, drops it, picks
it up and pegs it home!" Naturally, he was flooded with letters asking
how he was getting along without his head.
Occasionally an announcer pulls a real lulu without ever realizing
it--and through no slip of his own. It happened to one sportscaster a
while back when he was giving a blow-by-blow description of a boxing
match. About the middle of the bout his station cut him off suddenly to
announce the death of the mayor--then cut him back in. Knowing nothing
of the interruption, he continued "That sounded like quite a blow, but
it doesn't mean a thing, really. No damage done at all."
A while back Johnny Logan, former shortstop of the Pittsburgh Pirates
and the Milwaukee Braves, attended a testimonial dinner to pay tribute
to one of the game's best loved stars, Stan Musial. When Johnny got up
to deliver his speech, he cleared his throat and began, "Stan Musical is
the greatest immoral in the history of baseball."
Several years ago in Los Angeles, sportscaster Bill Brundige asked an
old-time reporter on the Yankee baseball beat if he would describe Babe
Ruth's immortal 60th homer. For radio audiences everywhere the writer
replied, "Gee, Bill, I missed it. I had to go to the men's room."
Such momentary mental lapses and forgetfulness are common and comical.
In the 1962 California election, for instance, Richard M. Nixon ran for
governor against Pat Brown, the incumbent. Towards the end of the
campaign, Nixon lapsed back to 1960, when he ran unsuccessfully for the
Presidency. In a state-wide television broadcast, he declared, "And as a
candidate for Presi.. I mean GOVERNOR.. of the United Sta.. I mean
CALIFORNIA."
At a party shortly after George Romney's first election as governor of
Michigan, the hostess introduced Mrs. Romney to the guest, "I want you
to meet the governor's new wife," she said. In embarrassment, she
hastily corrected herself, "I mean the new governor's old wife." Another
woman told Mrs. Romney, "You always look different; the last time I saw
you, you looked so nice."
The late Sen. Estes Kefauver (Tenn.) was hard put not to choke on a
statement which the press picked up during one of his primary campaigns
for the Democratic presidential nomination. In one town, he patted a
small boy on the head and asked about his father. "He's dead," the boy
said. A few hours later, on the other side of town, Kefauver greeted the
same youngster again. Obviously he did not remember the lad, for he once
again asked "How is your father?" "My father is still dead," came the
devastating reply.
Famous for his fluffs, ex-movie star Charless Farrell one day was
stopped by a man. "Charlie!" he said, slapping Farrell on the back.
"Charlie, here I am! Just like I promised. How are you? You do remember
me, don't you?" Farrell, not remembering, gulped, reddened and then
replied: "Well, help me out a little." "Jackson Hole, Charlie," the man
said, referring to the Wyoming resort. "Of course, Mr. Hole--how are
you?"
Prince Charles, recalled one occasion when a mental lapse created a
flub. "The wife of a dignitary in Australia greeted me and said she
hadn't seen me since my parents' wedding."
At a formal reception in Washington, the harried host cordially greeting
the secretary of the treasury, "Good evening, Mr. Sandwitch, won't you
have a secretary?" Attending his first reception at the White House, a
newly-elected congressman grew more nerveous by the moment. Finally he
found himself obliged to chat with the First Lady. In a hopeless effort
to appear poised, he blurted "I've always admired the White House. Who
was the artichoke who designed it?"
Recently the new assistant pastor of a large church sat beside a
visiting archbishop at a banquet. Wishing to convince other diners of
his perfect poise, the young cleric clutched the gravy boat and passed
it to the dignitary. "Will you have some grace, Your Gravy?" he asked.
---------------
Yet another submission:
Dizzy Dean, the great pitcher, was for years the commentator on the
Baseball Game of the Week telecast. During one particularly slow game
the camera was panning the crowd looking for some action away from the
field, and it found a young couple smooching it up. As the camera
lingered on the scene, Dizzy called the play-by-play: "There you go,
folks. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's kissing him on the
balls."
