[1266] in Humor
HUMOR: Moderate Discomfort
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Jan 19 10:37:20 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 10:22:00 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 23:54:16 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
A SLIGHT BIT OF MODERATE DISCOMFORT
by Mary Cartledge-Hayes
I've been confused lately by the arguments in the popular press over the
Testicular Imaging Device. Why do you suppose there's so much resistance
to this medical miracle?
In case you haven't read about this machine, it's the new and highly
effective method of diagnosing testicular problems at an early stage,
when the highest likelihood for complete recovery exists. In this
noninvasive procedure, the testicles are placed on a metal plate which
has been cooled to 33 degrees. A pre-calibrated device the aligns the
mass, automatically flattening it to the correct density between two
moving steel plates, after which a radiological image is produced. The
entire procedure generally takes less than forty minutes.
The test is well enough thought of that both the AMA and major insurance
companies have begun urging patients to include it in routine annual
physicals.
"Why wait for problems? Get your baseline at age 38 and one a year for
the rest of your life, and you'll never need to lose another night's
sleep worrying," three out of four doctors urge.
Contrary to what one might suppose, resistance is not centered on
concern over the radiology involved. That issue was fully addressed
early on.
"There aren't any guarantees in new technology like this," commented one
researcher who asked to remain nameless. "In fact, we'll probably need
to zap an entire generation and check the cancer rates before we can be
one hundred per cent certain. But we have full confidence in this
machine; we know it's a lifesaver."
The people questioning this conclusion are the ones now benefiting from it,
those who've undergone the procedure. Reported comments in from diagnostic
clinics range from "Oh my God!" to "Turn this bastard off before I break
your neck!"
While it's true that the testicles are squashed flat, authorities
emphasize that the procedure is not painful.
"Some people will undergo a slight bit of moderate discomfort. We
suspect it's related to hormone levels, or maybe date of the last
ejaculation. But you also have to remember that some men are so eager
for sympathy -- their wives don't understand them or the kids are
demanding or the boss is giving them a hard time --that they use this
as an opportunity to vent their frustration. And we understand that. We
just hope people won't use that as a crutch to explain away their
indifference to good health."
The medical community remains surprised by the strength of the
resistance.
"We didn't have anywhere near this much trouble selling the mammogram,"
said one noted doctor who requested anonymity, "and it's basically the
same technique. Go figure."
People who have undergone TID respond variously to that comment.
"Women are stupid," said one.
"You're dealing with delicate tissue here," said another. "Well, yeah,
maybe breasts are delicate, too, but it isn't the same."
The third interviewee was more forthright.
"The deal with women," he said, "is that they're easily frightened. You
threaten them with death, and then you hurt them. That's socially
acceptable. The medical community just misgauged the climate among men.
Though we've come a long way, we haven't gone that far."
Women interviewed take a different view, "I'd be happy if he had this
test every month," said one. "His health is that important to me."
"I've even volunteered to drive my husband to the clinic," said a
second. "He cringes every time I mention it. I guess that just goes to
show how stubborn men are."
Promoters seem unconcerned about public acceptance.
"We'll sell it the same way we did the mammogram," says one. "All we
have to do is plant the seed of doubt. It'll sprout on its own. I
predict overcrowded offices and three-hour waits before the end of the
year."
A few lingering reservations aside, this writer thinks it behooves men
to hurry to a diagnostic clinic now, before the rush begins. In fact,
I'll go so far as to plead with men to do so. If you won't do it for
yourself, do it for someone you love. I know she'll appreciate it.
copied without permission from The Funny Times
