[1265] in Humor
HUMOR: The Superhighway of Information
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Jan 16 10:41:44 1996
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 10:16:01 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 1996 22:59:13 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Road Warrior of the Infobahn
From: "Mark D Baushke" <mdb@cisco.com>
From: jmacdona@cisco.com
[previous Forwards lost]
THINK of the computer highway AS a highway.
There it is again. Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information
Superhighway." They don't know JACK about the net. It's NOTHING like a
Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.
Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction. Suppose the
HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right! Severe craziness. A highway
HUNDREDS of lanes wide. Most with potholes. Privately operated bridges
and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles
with broken whistles.
500 member VIGILANTE POSSES with nuclear weapons.
237 ON RAMPS at every intersection. NO SIGNS. Wanna get to Ensenada?
Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic
laws. Some lanes would VOTE to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a
CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other
lanes would just SHOOT you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA victims
and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it. Throwing DEAD WOMBATS
and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been ASSEMBLED AT
HOME from kits. Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER ENGINES with a top
speed of nine miles an hour. Others burn NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.
No license tags. World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES. Bumper mounted MACHINE GUNS.
Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE PHOSPHORUS
GRENADE up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE
BATTERIES to shoot down the KRUD Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid
on a tricycle with a squirtgun filled with HYDROCHLORIC ACID.
NO OFFRAMPS.
Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
