[1215] in Humor
HUMOR (LONG): Misc. Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Nov 21 19:05:07 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 18:39:43 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 13:28:55 -0800
Date: 3 Jun 94 17:11:20 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.T
Selections are from fido.humor which was forwarded to me by: Robert
Dolan:wbst129UL
- ------------------------------------------------------------
From fido.humor
As any one can tell you, there are three major parties in America.
Republican, Democratic, and Tupperware.
- ------------------------------
The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned
for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What For?" The lawyer bellowed at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the rude treatment meted by the
lawyer, roared, "Twenty dollars - contempt of court. That's why!" Then,
noticing that the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's
all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say more."
- ------------------------------
Jill: What are you doing at the mall, Bill? I thought you were going to a play
tonight.
Bill: Yeah, but there was an intermission.
Jill: But the theater's on the other side of town. How will you get back in
time?
Bill: No problem! The movie said: Act 2, Five weeks later!
- ------------------------------
The soldier of a tank struggling through the Sahara, met a Bedouin perched high
on his camel. "How do I get to the Siwa oasis?" asked the soldier.
"Straight ahead, replied the son of the desert, "and on Tuesday make a sharp
right."
- ------------------------------
1st guy: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
2nd guy: I don't know. Why?
1st guy: Too many cheetahs.
- ------------------------------
A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer. Just about that time, the game
warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting license. The hunter said
he didn't have a license, so the game warden had to take the hunter and the
deer to town.
The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300-pound deer out to the road--at
which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered--I do have a deer license
after all."
- ------------------------------
A man is sitting at a bar on Beacon Hill, orders a beer and looks out the
window. Suddenly, he slams the glass of beer down, runs outside and yells
"Green side up!" He returns to the bar, picks up his beer and continues talking
to the guy next to him. After a few moments, he looks out the window and again,
runs outside and hollers, "Green side up!"
The guy next to him looks puzzled and is about to ask him what's going on when
the same scene occurs. The man slams his beer down, runs outside and again
yells "Green side up, green side up for crying out loud!"
Finally his drinking buddy stops him and asks for an explanation.
"Oh," said the man, "it's just some State workers trying to plant some trees."
- ------------------------------
We're having definitions of words, Dad, and the teacher asked some tough ones."
"How tough," his father replied. "Give me an example."
"Monologue was one...define monologue."
"That one I know," his father responded, "it's a conversation between your
Grandma and me."
- ------------------------------
An elephant was drinking from a river in the jungle when he spied a snapping
turtle sleeping on a log. He ambled over to it and kicked it clear across the
river. "Why did you do that!" asked the giraffe? "Because," said the elephant
"he was the turtle who nipped my trunk 50 yr. ago." "What a memory!" the
giraffe exclaimed. "yes" replied the elephant. "Turtle Recall."
- ------------------------------
This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a fish, and
is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out
"Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!"
"Oh yeah?" says John "What's you name?"
"I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me lose, I'm too
young to die!"
John thinks about it for a moment, thinks about all the years ahead that he
has, so he lets Rusty go.
60 years later, John is 85 and goes fishing at the same place where he caught
Rusty. Anyways, after a few days he catches this huge salmon about 5 feet
long.
"Rusty?" says John.
"John is that you?" asks Rusty.
"Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John.
"So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty.
"Well, I've been working, and just lately retired. What've you been doing,
Rusty?"
"Well John, I went swimming and found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful I
wrote a book of poems about it
"Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John.
Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!"
- ------------------------------
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.
"Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the
aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the
other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry
about. His words and his demeanor seemed to assuage most of the passengers,
who sat back down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.
There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing
them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his
back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry
about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to
get help."
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a
row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake:
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should
have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.
Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for
Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but
she quit!
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a
casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a
prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on
Goliath'."
- ------------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a
large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in
amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right
through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge
bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go
past Thanksgiving Day?"
- ------------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
A well-known chess master took his six-year-old son to matches in the hope of
instilling a love of the game in the boy. At one tense moment in a
championship game, the father reached out to move one of his knights.
"Don't move the horse," the boy said. His father looked at him...thought it
over...then decided to make a different move. As a result, he won the game.
Later he wondered if his son did have some special powers in the game of
chess. So he asked the boy, "Why did you tell me not to move the horse?"
"He looked tired and needed a rest," the boy said.
- ------------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
The best thing for you," the doctor said, "is to cut out all sweets and fatty
foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
"I see," the patient said. "To be honest, I don't deserve the best. What's
second best?"
- ------------------------------
From: Nancy Carson
I'm unable to do the things I used to do," the patient said to the doctor. "I
wish you had some magic way of making me younger."
"You've got it all wrong," the doctor said. "My job is to see that you get
older."
- ------------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
The phone rang at the fire station.
"Hurry!" said the panicked voice, "we've got a big fire at the store!"
"How do we get there?" the fire fighter demanded.
Shouted the caller, "Use the big red truck!"
- ------------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
A man lay in the middle of the street flat on his stomach, wriggling and
writhing. Mrs. Gallivan pushed her way through the crowd gathered round him.
"Why doesn't someone help this poor man?" she exclaimed. Getting no reply
from the crowd, Mrs. Gallivan jumped astride the man's back, stated she had
just finished a course in first aid, and began to administer artificial
respiration. "I don't know what you're tryin' to do, lady," he grumbled, "but
I'm tryin' to fix a wire down this manhole!"
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Frederick R. Kappel, then chairman and C.E.O. of the American Telephone and
Telegraph Co., was conducting its annual shareholders' meeting.
The meeting, a volatile one, was now in its fourth hour. Kappel had fielded
many tough questions, the hour was late, the large audience ready to go home.
But a woman who's made a specialty of attending corporate annual meetings, had
still another question to ask. She was unhappy with the magnitude of corporate
contributions to good causes.
"Mr. Chairman," she asked, "how much did AT&T give to charity?"
"Ten million dollars last year," Kappel answered.
The woman said mockingly, "I think I'm going to faint."
Kappel said, "That would be very helpful." Laughter and applause from the
audience. Control was back with the speaker. Humor scores again!
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one
night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod--one that did not admit Jews. The
desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is
full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit
Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted
to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus
born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town
called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give
a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Some people get lost in thought because it's unfamiliar territory to them.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
I'm not too sure about the latest ideas for cutting military spending. It just
doesn't seem like a good idea to use coin-operated guns.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The little girl was walking in the garden. She happened to see a peacock, a
bird she had never seen before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran
into the house and cried out, "Oh, Granny, come and see. One of your chickens
is in bloom!"
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The ability to speak distinguishes us from the lower animals. What we say
frequently doesn't.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The sum total of the world's debt is some total.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Children grow up so quickly. One day you look at your car's gas gauge showing
empty and realize they're teenagers.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
It happened in a teenage rock-n-roll joint. The waiter dropped a tray of
dishes and six couples got up to dance.
- ------------------------------
From: David Dearie
A Salesman at CompUSA in Louisiana noticed this man coming in almost every
other week buying a new monitor for his computer. When he asked the guy what
was he doing with all the monitors he told him his secretary uses them for word
processing and after a couple of weeks it is hard to read the screen with all
the Liquid Paper on it.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The baseball season was about over and the team was firmly entrenched in last
place when the manager decided to let a rookie pitcher get a little major
league experience. The rookie, who had more determination than skill, was in
deep trouble before long. Finally the manager walked out to the mound and
said, "Son, I think you have had enough for today."
"But I struck out this guy the last time he was up," the young hurler
protested violently.
"I know," snapped the manager as he waved another pitcher in from the bullpen,
"but that was earlier this inning.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a gentlemen in the
back pew turned his head to one side, put his hand to his ear, and said,
"Louder." The preacher raised his voice somewhat and continued with his
sermon, which was not too interesting. After a few minutes the man said
again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and continued on, but by now
the sermon had become quite boring. The man said again, "Louder!" At this
point a man on the front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to
the man in the rear. "What's the matter, can't you hear?"
"No," said the man in the back.
"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back to join you."
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
You're a real hacker if:
It takes more than 1 minute to climb over the books, manuals, old printouts,
computer mags, and old dead hardware to get to your computer.
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The pastor was in the hospital for three weeks. For a while it looked quite
serious. The Chairman of his Church Board tried to cheer him up. "Preacher,"
he said reassuringly, "we don't want you to worry about a thing. Last night
at our board meeting, we voted 10-9 to pray for your recovery."
- ------------------------------
From: Ken Ellis
Passing an office building late one night, the moron saw a sign that said,
"Press bell for night watchman." He did so, and after several minutes he
heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to
unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally
made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the moron, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
- ------------------------------
From: Dave Coble
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the
winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered.
"Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper
and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But
how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."
- ------------------------------
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage ....
- ------------------------------
From: J.c. Brotherhood
Did you hear about the Teamster who was so stupid the other teamsters noticed?
Why is the teamster mascot a horse?
They are the only other animals who can sleep standing up.
- ------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
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* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
* E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject
* or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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