[1214] in Humor
HUMOR: Rules for Cats
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Nov 17 21:41:43 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 21:34:24 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 15:58:36 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR CLASSIC: Cat rules
From: "archerp" <archerp@aisx.com>
BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
1. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get on an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good.
2. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs
and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, and mosqito season.
3. GUESTS
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you
can arrange to have "Fish 'n Glop" on your breath, so much the better.
For a guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof and disdain.
Apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric coloring
that contrasts well with your fur. For example: White fur cats go to black
wool clothing.
When walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and
hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when
company isn't here."
Always accompany any guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything...just sit and stare.
4. WORK
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the
busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". When
supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen
and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and
consoled. For book readers, get in close under chin between eyes and book
unless you can lie on the book itself. For knitting projects, curl quietly
into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap
knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spilt yarns. The
knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it.
Remember the aim is to hamper work.
5. PLAY
It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing
"Catch the Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on their bed between 2 and 4 AM.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household.
Humans need to know the basic rules. They **can** be taught... if you start
early and are consistent.
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