[1213] in Humor
HUMOR: Stupid Criminal Tricks
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Nov 17 21:38:03 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 21:25:49 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 17 Nov 1995 15:58:14 -0800
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Criminal Hall of Shame
From: geri@Rational.COM
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use
their stupidity for personal gain.
From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new
levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and
women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor:
entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
Following are their accounts ...
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With
the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached
to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper. (Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag
of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested
immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he
does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided
that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she
stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you
need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the
camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced
a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized
that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the
camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where
he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had
entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and
dialed "911" for help...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly
got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator
was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the
refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to
realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
