[3419] in Depressing_Thoughts
My secrets
???@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (???@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Wed Nov 18 00:29:36 1992
I hope people don't feel that I'm abusing this meeting by posting anonymously,
but this is the only way that I could dream of saying what I'm about to say.
It is a very difficult thing for me to admit, after so many years of denying
the truth. I mean, this is something that I've never told anyone in the entire
world, and no one outside my immediate family has even the slightest clue
what has been happening. But I know that the time has come.
It is very ironic, really. No one would ever guess that it is my parents
who hit their kids. I mean, they could never take a leather belt and beat
their kids, or hit them on the head so hard that the kid's ears don't stop
ringing for hours afterward. Both of them are respected professionals and
members of the community. And the kids are so nice and polite and smart too.
Who would ever have guessed that they lived in fear. That when the parents had
a bit too much to drink, or the kids did something wrong.... I guess that's
why we turned out so well. We weren't _allowed_ to fail. The penalty for
not doing our homework, or talking back, was greater than being grounded, or
something like that. And I suppose that after a while, we didn't even think
of try something like that.
And I actually probably have a better relationship with my parents than most
of the other people here. I call them up every so often, and tell them
all about college, and I go home for vacations (though I stress about this
for weeks in advance), and all that. I can deal with them if they are not
here, watching over everything that I do.
I don't know, I suppose it could have been worse. I was never seriously
injured, nothing worse that a couple of bruises, but the real scars were
inside. I flinch at the sound of a raised voice, or someone thundering up
the stairs. I start to cry at the least sign of trouble (I think I developed
this as a defense mechanism, if they are going to hurt you until you cry,
why not start crying sooner rather than later? I guess I've never been very
brave). I can't develop a stable relationship with anyone, since I always
have to cut them off before they get to close.
I think the thing that I really can't forgive them for is not really what
they did, but how they destroyed my relationship with my siblings. They
always played us off against one another. "Why isn't your room as clean
as so-and-so's?" "You are no good. This-one never gives us any trouble,
why can't you be like that?" Even when I heard them saying the opposite
things to someone else, it didn't matter. The damage had been done. Things
that are told to you and accompanied by pain are impossible to drive out of
your brain.
I know people are probably going to tell me that I should go talk to a
professional about this. But I don't want anything on my MIT record about
this and I don't know of anywhere off-campus to go (and I don't think I can
afford anything). But if anyone has any ideas, I'll be glad of them.
I guess I posted this in the hopes that there would be someone out there who
understands what I'm talking about. Someone who has been there and can tell
me how to get out. And if you don't feel that you can respond as yourself,
then send it anonymously.
PS- If you think you know who I am, you are almost definitely wrong. And
please do not try to trace this message. I would not appreciate it.
