[1486] in Depressing_Thoughts
Really Depressing Thoughts
whycare@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (whycare@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Thu Sep 20 03:44:58 1990
Hey, other than being alive, there's no problem with me.
Just had another long sob. Why it happens, I don't know.
Crying seems fundamentally useless. I HATE it when it
catches me off guard.
Anyway, whenever it happens, it seems to revolve around the
following memories and ideas:
1) My getting blamed for burning a large hole in the rug when
I was about four. I had inserted a piece of writing paper
into the coils of an open portable furnace during the winter
when my mother left my younger brother and I at home alone
as she left to chat with the neighbor. If she come back home
in time, the house probably would have burned down. (insert
`hadn't' in there somewhere.
2) Getting blamed for pushing my younger brother off the bed,
leaving him trapped between the bed frame and mattress.
(I didn't do it really. He rolled off the bed by himself.
But I didn't tell my parents that because I was too scared.)
3) My older brother being told by my parents to bite me. Don't
remember what it was for, but I do remember that he carried
out the instructions.
4) Getting lashed across the back with my dad's belt for being
a nuisance.
5) Getting pinned down onto the ground by everyone else in the
family and having my dad pinch me in the face. Subsequently
yelling `I hate you.' which was directed toward my mother,
but my dad took it as an insult to him, so he came back and
pinched me more.
6) Getting swung around and thrown against the corner of some
furniture by my dad. (My younger brother seems to remember
this more clearly than I do, but I'm sure it happened.)
7) Having to watch my mom and my two brothers drive off, leaving
me in the cemetery at night for refusing to tend to my
dad's grave.
8) Watching my brother get lashed in the back with the belt.
9) Having to lock myself up in my room to avoid my mother's
coming to hit me.
10) Having to hide outside in the dark to prevent from getting
hit. And watching the rest of the family come searching
for me.
11) Having to lock my door to keep my mother from asking me
what's wrong with me.
12) Having been left alone to take care of my younger brother
while my mother took my older brother to school before I
was in kindergarten.
13) My mother's telling me that she'd send me to the dog pound
if I didn't finish my Fruit Loops.
14) Having my hand get hit down which caused my plastic turtle's
tail to break when I pointed out the road to take when we
were on vacation.
15) Being told to get out of the house.
16) Having to be the maid in the house.
17) Having been forced to do certain things I now regret.
18) Yelling.
19) Hypocrisy.
20) Injustice.
21) Insecurity.
22) Hopelessness.
23) Inability to feel.
24) Inability to think.
25) Inability to be.
26) Being the only one in the family who seems to have been
severely repressed by past events.
27) Being told by my younger brother that I am no one.
28) Having to feel inferior to both of my brothers.
29) Not being able to live with myself.
30) My mother's listening to my brothers' comments instead
of my own.
31) My mother's insistence on having my affairs done her
way, leaving my brothers mostly independent.
32) My learned helplessness.
33) My mother's stupidity.
34) My having to erase the past by avoiding it.
(Which doesn't work very well.)
35) My brother's neither noticing nor understanding the repression.
36) My only true desire: suicide.
37) Wealth's role in social injustice.
38) People's blindness because they tend to associate with people of
their own kind.
39) Chance.
40) Life in general.
41) Little control.
And there is likely more reasons for me to be depressed.
