[75] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 57.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Wed Sep 29 06:01:02 2004
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 2004 22:44:49 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 57.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
September 28, 2004
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********** DILBERT’S ULTIMATE HOUSE IS HERE ******************
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(SEE BELOW)
You can read the plain-text version of this newsletter now, or click this link to see it in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter57.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
The DNRC continues to be a potent force for global change, or stability. Whatever. The point is, there are 460,000 incredibly attractive, and freakishly bright members. If you’re reading this sentence – there’s a good chance you are – then you’re one of them.
PRESIDENTIAL STUFF
==================
The United States is having a presidential election involving a number of confusing things such as issues, platforms, and electoral votes. As a member of the DNRC, you know that this is an elaborate scheme concocted by the Founding Fathers to protect voters from the embarrassing realization that they always elect the candidate with the best hair.
Democracy might have some rough edges, but it’s still the best system in the world. If you don’t believe it, here are some true quotes overheard from the citizens who will help decide which leader should have the nuclear launch codes:
"If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?"
"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."
"Wasn't bronchitis a dinosaur?"
"All old people should be shot at birth."
"I know that area of town like the back of my head."
The biggest issue this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it’s called leadership, and frankly, we can’t get enough of it.
Tip: Place your houseplants in front of the television during the next presidential debate and watch how leafy they get.
This election the decision is especially difficult because it pits a sitting president who started a war in order to find things that don’t exist, versus an ugly guy. I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m not totally comfortable with either choice.
The official DNRC position in this campaign is that other people’s votes shouldn’t count. So find someone who disagrees with all of your opinions and convince that person to stay home on Election Day. Promise that you’ll do the same. Then use your absentee ballot to vote from home so that technically you didn’t lie. If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it’s that omitting important information is completely different from lying.
If you are not a citizen of the United States, you can still vote in the election by using an absentee ballot. I’m pretty sure no one checks to see if they’re real.
DILBERT’S ULTIMATE HOUSE IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!
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Dilbert’s Ultimate House (DUH) is the product of the combined wisdom of thousands of Dilbert readers, plus the help of real world experts, and it’s online for viewing at http://www.dilbert.com/duh.
It looks so real that you won’t believe it’s a computer model. The house combines the world’s best ideas for energy efficiency, convenience, green building, and entertaining.
Are you tired of tripping over the cat’s litter box in your bathroom? Dilbert’s house has its own bathroom just for the cat. Do you hate dragging a Christmas tree into the house every December just to throw it away in January? Dilbert’s house has a huge closet off of the Great Room where he stores a fully decorated artificial tree on wheels. He just rolls it out and plugs it in.
We assumed Dilbert would eventually have a wife and kids. (Yeah, it’s a stretch.) Anyway, the kids’ bathroom is fully tiled with a drain in the center. Just spray some chemicals to kill the cooties and hose it all down.
He’s got a dining room table that doubles as a pool table when you remove the top, artificial turf for a lawn, a killer wiring plan, home theater, phenomenal energy efficiency features and lots of other fun stuff. You’ll wish you were made out of digital bits so you could live there.
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field. I am making them more relevant by adding the phrase "And then he/she voted" after each one.
=
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an Induhvidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh… Pacific."
And then he voted.
=
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
And then she voted.
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I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers’ chests. One Induhvidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"
And a few years later, he voted.
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door’s map pocket.
And then she voted.
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
And then they all voted.
=
I was hanging out with a conservative friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
And then she voted.
=
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."
And then he voted.
=
I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp"
or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had
a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn’t.
She said, "We'll take a couple from here,” and got two pennies out
of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills…and the two pennies.
And then she voted.
=
My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost. We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases. "Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.
And then she voted.
=
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
And then she voted.
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After a meal at a nice restaurant, an Induhvidual, rubbing his stomach, said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm flabbergasted."
And then he voted.
=
My wife was shopping at a discount store and saw a pair of
sunglasses marked at $0.00. She noted that it was missing
one screw for the earpiece, but figured she could fix it.
When she went to "buy" the free glasses the cashier looked
very confused and called over a manager. After much
"Induhvidual-speak" between them, they concluded that they
couldn't sell my wife the glasses and had to throw them away.
My wife tried to ask why they wouldn't just give her the
glasses if they were going to throw them away anyway, but
the cashier wouldn't budge and threw them into the garbage
right in front of my wife.
And then he voted.
SEQUEL TO GOD’S DEBRIS
The long-awaited sequel to my non-Dilbert book, God’s Debris, is in bookstores now (or later this week, depending how pokey your bookstore is). The title is THE RELIGION WAR, and it takes place a few decades from now when terrorism has brought the world to the brink of a final war. The smartest man in the world (the new Avatar) is trying to stop the war by eliminating the delusions that brought everyone to that point. Like God’s Debris, it’s written mostly as a vehicle to challenge your thinking and get you into arguments with your friends. But it has a lot more action.
If you’re wondering why I’d write a second non-Dilbert book, it’s because the first one is considered by many people to be my best work in any media. Scores of people told me it’s the best book they’ve ever read. Other people loathed it with equal passion. Anything that makes people that angry is worth doing again. Here’s the link to Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=dilbertcom-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740747886
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here now, more quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.
"Sometimes you shoot your foot off to spite your face."
"If it can't be done today, don't wait until tomorrow."
"I'm sweating like a bullet."
"Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof."
"We're having this meeting to make sure all our ducks are on the same page."
"Yeah, I've got a lot of black sheep in my closet."
“You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.”
"Call me back at your least convenience."
"It's six of one and one of the other."
"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."
“I don’t want to run any flags up the telephone pole.”
"You know I’m just pulling your lamb?"
"I've been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off."
"This has been a red herring around our necks."
"Like water through a duck's ass."
"We're treading on thin water here."
"Knock it off before I beat you with a dead horse!!!"
"I don't want to go out on a limb and shoot myself in the foot."
"I've just got my feet in too many pies right now."
"Gee, we haven't been here since the last time."
"'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.”
"You can argue until your eyeteeth turn blue in the face.”
“I swear on my dog's breakfast!”
"This library attracts deaf patrons like a siren's song!"
“Don't bite the mouth that feeds you."
"I keep telling you these things, but you keep turning a blind cheek to it."
"Screaming like a chicken with its head cut off."
"I hope I haven't used a sledgehammer to teach my grandmother to suck eggs."
“She was born with a silver spoon up her ass.”
"This guy's sharp as a cookie."
“I beat it like a red-headed mule!!”
"Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon."
"I think you hit the nose right on the head."
Ask Dogbert
===========
Dear Dogbert,
i'm sick and tired of trying to ask girls out. What should i do?
Victor
Dear Sphincter,
I can see from your use of lower case “i” that you have no self-esteem. I assume that your parents named you “Victor” because they thought it would be ironic. None of that has anything to do with your question, which I plan to ignore because I figure all those girls who ignored your requests can’t be wrong.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
=
Dear Dogbert,
What is the proper etiquette for wearing nose protection to meetings with management?
Dave
Dear Knave,
Your nose isn’t the only issue. I recommend protecting all of your orifices before attending any business meeting. You won’t want to smell, hear, see, touch or – and this is critical – taste anything that happens in a meeting. Two words: duct tape.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
=
Dear Dogbert,
My boss wants to fire me, but he can't because of this sweet union I'm in. Should I laugh in his face, run over his car, work harder to someday get a raise, become even lazier than before, or quit my job to make him happy? What would be the best course of action?
Allen
Dear Alone,
You should do all of those things (except quit) PLUS demand an assistant to do all of those things for you when you’re on vacation or reading a novel in the restroom. If your boss doesn’t like it, tell him to join his own union. It’s not your fault that he’s not organized.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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