[76] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 58.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Thu Nov 11 17:10:20 2004
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 2004 15:18:58 -0500
Dilbert Newsletter 58.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
November 2004
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the web:
http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter58.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 460,000 members. Each of you is so sharp that balloons fear you and porcupines dream of mating with you.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.
"Let’s lick this one in the butt."
"If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
"He's as sharp as a new penny."
"I just want to be sure that we cross all the i's and dot the t's."
"Let’s not stick our heads in the mud and drink our own bath water."
ANNUAL WEASEL POLL
==================
It’s time for the third annual Weasel Poll. Vote for your favorite weasel in each category by going to http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/shop/html/weasel_index.html. Remember that weasels are the people who tried to get away with something, not just the people you hate.
The nominees are...
Media Pundit/Reporter
Dan Rather
Michael Moore
Tucker Carlson
Bill O’Reilly
Ann Coulter
Celebrities
Ashlee Simpson
Janet Jackson
Paris Hilton
Donald Trump
Michael Jackson
Britney Spears
Eminem
Industry
Oil
Pharmaceuticals
Fast Food
News Media
Law
Insurance
Company
Halliburton
McDonalds
Fannie Mae
AIG
Marsh & McLennan
Disney
Politician
John Kerry
George W. Bush
Dick Cheney
John Edwards
Ralph Nader
Tom DeLay
Muqtada Al Sadr
Ahmed Chalabi
John McCain
Country
United States
France
North Korea
Iran
Pakistan
Israel
Sports
Kobe Bryant
Shaquille O’Neal
Barry Bonds
Frank Francisco (The guy who threw the chair at the fan)
George Steinbrenner
Organization
ACLU
NRA
Swift Boat Vets
FCC
Religious fanatics
United Nations
DNRC STOPS GLOBAL TERRORISM!
============================
As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don’t. That’s why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.
At some point during the summit, probably after a week or so, the scholars would tire of saying to each other, "Nice hat" and asking, "What setting do you use to trim your ratty beard?" Then they’d get down to the business of defining what makes a place holy. Someone would suggest that the key things are the location and the fact that something holy happened there. Eventually, someone with a second-grade understanding of space, possibly the busboy, would point out that everything in the universe has moved a gazillion miles since the holy event, and the concept of location is meaningless unless all the reference points stay put. The best-case scenario is that the "holy place" is now a billion miles away, floating in empty space.
After some embarrassed mumbling, the scholars would insist that they knew all along that location wasn’t important. One of them would break the awkwardness by suggesting that a holy place must be defined by the "stuff" that comprises it. That’s good news, because the Middle East is made entirely of dirt. The wise King Solomon probably would have advised people to help themselves to as much holy dirt as they wanted. He might have gone so far as to suggest that people put holy dirt in their socks so they can enjoy walking on it wherever they go. But first he would have invented socks and patented the idea, because in addition to being wise, he had a good head for business.
Religious scholars should also help the rest of us understand the question of holy depth. Is it just the top layer of soil that’s holy, or does the holiness continue lower into the ground? It’s important because if there’s no bottom limit, then whatever is on the exact opposite side of the earth is also holy, only upside down. The residents would have to stand on their heads to get the full benefit of the holy rays, but it would be worth it.
Feel free to forward this Holy Place argument to any Induhviduals who need the enlightenment that comes from having their core beliefs mocked. I can’t guarantee that this will stop terrorism, but whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.
If you want more thought-provoking ideas in the same realm, check out my new book, The Religion War. It’s a sequel to my non-Dilbert book, God’s Debris. It’s guaranteed to become a collector’s item after al-Qaeda gets me. And it’s ideal for book clubs and people who like to have their preconceived notions tweaked.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740747886/dilbertcom-20
DILBERT’S ULTIMATE HOUSE UPDATE
===============================
More than 350,000 unique visitors have already viewed Dilbert’s Ultimate House (DUH) online at www.dilbert.com. Several people e-mailed me to say that they’re making plans to build their own homes using ideas lifted from DUH. Maybe this project will make a difference. Stranger things have happened.
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
=
When our printer ran out of color ink, one Induhvidual asked, "Why don't we print it in black and white and then take a color photocopy?"
=
One of our salespeople told a customer to "Write on a fax, in pretty good size letters, MUST SHIP TODAY." When the fax came in it said, "In pretty good size letters must ship today."
=
I was dining with a friend at our favorite Thai restaurant when one of the owners came by to show us photos of her new baby boy. Afterward, my friend remarked that she was surprised that the baby looked "so Chinese." I said, "Well, he does look Asian, since both parents are from Thailand, but what did you expect?" She said, "Yeah, I know, but I expected him to look more American since they've been living in the U.S. for 15 years."
=
We were chatting about the latest high price of crude oil, when a friend of ours piped up: "I don't understand the big deal about the price of oil. I mean, I only put oil in my car every now and then, but I put gas in my car every day!"
=
On Feb. 14th, my birthday, at our daily team meeting, the manager turned to me and said to the group, "And let's all wish Allen a happy birthday today!"
A programmer turned to me and asked, "Today's your birthday? How often does your birthday fall on Valentines Day?"
I had to struggle mightily to come up with a response that didn't include the phrase "dumb ass."
BEST DILBERT BOOK EVER!
=======================
My latest Dilbert book -- It’s Not Funny if I Have to Explain It -- is a collection of the all-time best Dilbert comics, according to me, with my hand-written commentary in the margins. It’s trickling into bookstores now. It’s not an exaggeration to say that it’s the best Dilbert book ever, at least in my opinion.
You can order it here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0740746588/ref=ase_dilbertcom-20/002-6671029-8124020?v=glance&s=books
And if you like reading a cartoonist’s notes in the margins, check out the latest Pearls Before Swine collection by Stephan Pastis
Sgt. Piggy's Lonely Hearts Club Comic: A Pearls Before Swine Treasury
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740748076/dilbertcom-20
Dilbert Holiday Gift Center
===========================
It’s that time of year again. Get all your holiday shopping done at the Dilbert Gift Center. Buy ornaments, gifts for her, him, kids and for those irritating Secret Santa exchanges check out the $20 and under section.
http://www.cafepress.com/dilbert
Ask Dogbert
===========
Dear Dogbert,
How can I decide for whom to vote?
Dan
Dear Bedpan,
Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions.
So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you’ll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dear Dogbert,
Lots of people write blogs, but I’ve never heard of anyone who actually reads them. What’s up with that?
Kurt
Dear Skirt,
Blogs exist to fill the important market niche of writing that is so dull that your eyes will burrow out of the back of your head to escape. People do read blogs, usually by accident, sometimes on a dare, but those readers are later mistaken for Mafia victims with what appears to be two holes in the back of their heads. On closer inspection, you might find their eyeballs clinging to the drapes directly behind them. Unless the cat gets them first.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dear Dogbert,
When I order wine at a nice restaurant, the server hands me the cork. What am I supposed to do with the stupid cork?
Melissa
Dear Molester,
This is your opportunity to show off your fine breeding. Confidently grab the cork and sniff daintily with one nostril while inserting a finger into the other nostril, up to the second knuckle. If the cork’s odor is agreeable, take a bite of the cork and chew it while shuddering in delight. Then grab your throat, bug out your eyes, and make a choking noise. Grab a pen and write "Heimlich Maneuver" on a napkin and wave it for help. When no one offers to help, throw yourself over the back of a chair, land on your sternum, and spit cork debris in the direction of anyone who appears to be reaching for a disposable camera to record your death. Then sit back down and say to the server, "Very good."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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