[73] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 56.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Thu Jul 15 19:04:38 2004
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:30:06 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 56.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
July 2004
You can read the ugly-but-practical plain-text version of this newsletter below, or click this link to see it in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the web:
http://www.dilbert.com/dnrc56.html
HEADLINES
DNRC UPDATE - The DNRC continues its unstoppable drive toward total world domination, now boasting 419,000 inexplicably attractive members. Each one of you is so bright that night falls a full hour later wherever you live.
NIAGARA FALLS, NY - Stunt man Lucky Hinterman died while attempting to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Brother and equipment manager Brent Hinterman took full responsibility for the tragedy. "I was in charge of getting the barrel all cushioned and reinforced. But my son had a soccer game, and in my book, family comes first." When asked if he considered his brother to be a member of the family, Brent said, "Well, I suppose that's one way to look at it."
BRENTWOOD, CA - Beautician and self-described "best collector ever" Betty Blakeslee has the world's largest random collection. "I started out collecting things that had something in common. You know, Beanie Babies, porcelain unicorns, that sort of thing. But I realized it was limiting me. My eureka-moment came when I realized I didn't need to be bound by the old rules. I could collect any objects whatsoever and put them all together." Blakeslee's collection boasts a bottle cap, a steering wheel from a Ford Pinto, and 900 bags of household trash.
EUGENE, OR - Bradley Wilkerson came out of a coma yesterday, only to realize that he couldn't think of anything worth saying or doing. Five years ago, never known for his vibrant personality, Wilkerson had been in a coma for ten days before anyone in his family noticed. "He'd always been a good listener but I noticed that he kept wearing the same clothes," said wife Peggy.
Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion described his coma as self-induced. "It looked voluntary to us," explained Doctor Spumken. "Sometimes we see guys who are just trying to beat the system. You know - free intravenous meals, don't have to work, sponge baths. But we can usually weed them out with tickling. This guy had a lot of self-control."
SCOTIA, NY - Bank teller and Renaissance man Mark Bunter changed his political viewpoints yesterday. It's the first known change of opinion by a person who had previously made up his mind. "I was doing my research before the election, paying attention to all the informative ads on television, and suddenly I just changed my mind. It felt good!"
Bunter later changed his mind back to his original views, noting that he had been right all along. Still, it was a first, and Bunter has been asked to give inspirational talks to corporations on the subject of pretending to embrace change.
TANNERSVILLE, NY - Scientists have discovered that your nose DOES grow when you lie. Head researcher Toby Flemming explained, "You've probably noticed that people's noses get bigger as they get older. That's because old people are huge liars. You don't know that they're lying most of the time because they're so experienced at it." Explained Flemming, "The typical married male's proboscis grows 15% over his lifetime just from agreeing with his wife in the hope that it will make her stop talking."
DILBERT'S ULTIMATE HOUSE UPDATE
The energy-efficient Dilbert House project is in the computer modeling stage and should be ready for virtual walk-throughs on the web sometime in September. If you've got an energy-efficient home-related product that you'd like linked from the Dilbert House to your web page, then please e-mail dilberthouse@dilbert.com to ask about terms.
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
Here are some more true tales of induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
--
A friend of mine took his California girlfriend to the east coast for a vacation. He took her to see her first sunrise over the ocean. After watching the view, she said, "That was great. Does it come up EVERY morning here?"
--
Last weekend, my in-laws visited and brought some "20% off" coupons for the local Do-It-Yourself warehouse. We need new flooring for our kitchen, so my mother-in-law said we could take two coupons and get 40% off. When I suggested we take six and get paid to take the flooring away, I was told not to be silly.
My wife, sensing her mother was being ridiculed, butted in and suggested that we both take a coupon and each buy half the flooring, thus getting a 40% discount. Neither she nor her mother could spot the flaw in this plan.
--
I was sitting in the lunchroom with a coworker, and he noticed a "funny" pattern on one of his socks. He told me that his socks were the same color, but the pattern of one was not right. He just couldn't figure out what was wrong. I let him ponder the situation for five minutes and then I informed him that he was wearing one sock inside out. He is our director of quality.
--
I was shopping at a department store, and took my selection to the cashier. She asked, "Did you find that ok?" I replied, "No, I'm still looking for it."
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
Here now, more quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
"Make sure you cross your p's and q's."
"Perception is 99% of the law."
"I hate to throw cold water on your bubble."
"I think you play a little harder when you can taste the light at the end of the tunnel."
"The squeaky wheel is the one that makes the most noise."
"My arms were knee-deep in mud."
"That's not my bag of game."
"That's going to be a tough animal to crack."
"He could talk a dog's ass off the hind leg of a mule."
"...been chasing this rabbit for years and it finally came home to roost."
"For this to work, you really have to be out there humping the bushes."
"Isn't leather made out of wood?"
"You know, I think the sun may be the biggest thing in the world."
"You're only smart on the outside."
"I am not the woman I used to be, and I never was!"
CALENDARS, BOOKS, AND OTHER GOOD STUFF
Buy your own Dilbert 2005 Day-to-Day Calendar now and figure out in advance what days you'll be calling in sick in the coming year:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=newsletter1-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740743171/qid%3D1089833891/sr%3D8-2>
Or, if counting by days is too much for you and a monthly calendar is easier for you to make your appointments by, get a 2005 Dilbert Mini-Wall Calendar:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=newsletter1-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740744860/qid%3D1089833891/sr%3D8-8>
See your own dreary, monotonous existence brought to comedic life in Dilbert's latest collection -
Don't Stand Where the Comet is Assumed to Strike Oil:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=newsletter1-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740745395>
Order Dilbert - The Complete Series, featuring all 30 episodes on 4 Discs, in a deluxe DVD package today:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000WN15E/newsletter1-20/103-5784629-4927852?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1>
Order now to follow the continuing adventures of Rat, Pig and the whole herd of characters in the second collection of Pearls Before Swine:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=newsletter1-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740738135/qid%3D1084299569/sr%3D1-1>
ASK DOGBERT
-----------
Dear Dogbert,
I work with a completely moronic and misogynistic son of a... Anyway, he keeps checking my work in search of any mistakes so he can tell on me. The problem is that I (as a member of DNRC) don't make any noticeable mistakes whereas he, on the other hand, keeps messing up because he's totally focused on my work. What can I do so he'll back off?
Ximena
Dear Eczema,
Go to a web site that features women in prison who are looking for romance, and start writing to one of them using your coworker's name and home address. Select a prisoner who is nearing parole for a violent crime and then profess your undying (ironic) love for her. Then just wait.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
Is carrot cake considered a vegetable?
Amanda
Dear Aman-duh,
I don't know about the carrot cake, but you're getting pretty close yourself.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dogbert,
I have a problem. My boss keeps assigning to other people the tasks that would normally fall under my supervision. I'm starting to worry that if something gets screwed up, it's going to get me in trouble with the higher-ups. What should I do about it?
Josh
Dear Sloshed,
It's not generally called a "problem" when other people do the work for which you are getting paid. But since you seem to be a whiner, I will answer your question: You should take credit for the accomplishments of those "other people" when they do good things, and you should complain to your boss's boss when they screw up. Mention that your immediate boss "might have a drinking problem." It's hard to disprove, and unless he's saying the same thing about you, it helps your credibility.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
How should I handle creepy men that hit on me at work? Apparently they all think I'm hot.
Heather
Dear Hotter,
Mr. Adams requested that he answer your question personally. He will stop by your cubicle tomorrow. Say around lunchtime?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
Someone I know keeps asking me if he can buy my soul. I've told him he can't afford it, but he keeps hassling me. How should I respond?
Ronny
Dear Runny,
Give him a price. The great thing about souls is that no one knows what one looks like. Odds are that your friend can't tell the difference between your eternal essence and, for example, flatulence. If you put either one in a sealed glass jar with a label that says "Ronny's Soul," who is going to question it?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
DILBERT FODDER
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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