[56] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 41.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed May 22 21:36:36 2002
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Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 21:35:49 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Adams <2.16983.3f-a4KnsOCWSIZR.1@ummail4.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
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Dilbert Newsletter 41.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: May 2002
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Movie Review of Spider-Man
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* Google (TM) Eyes
* True Tales of Induhviduals
* DNRC Book Club
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
There are 520,000 DNRC members, each one a model of soaring genius
and inexplicable sex appeal.
If you subscribe to this newsletter, you're automatically a member
of Dogbert's New Ruling Class. Dogbert hasn't announced what
countries he plans to conquer first, but I am authorized to tell
you that the price of oil will soon be "free."
Movie Review
------------
I haven't seen the Spider-Man movie yet, but I've seen the
commercials and I don't think they left anything out. So I'll go
ahead with my review, hoping as always that a major motion picture
studio will quote me in their ads.
SPIDER-MAN IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE OF THE SUMMER that
involves a man who acts like a spider. (Note to movie companies:
Feel free to quote any portion of the prior sentence. Wink, wink.)
I understand that Tobey Maguire prepared for the role by training
with actual spiders for over six months. He even learned to lay
thousands of tiny eggs in an attic, which was a waste of time
because that part of the movie never made it into the previews.
Willem Dafoe plays The Green Goblin. He got the part because his
last name sounds like "the foe." The director used similar hiring
methods for the rest of his crew, including Timmy
Daproductionassistant and Henry Dascripteditor.
In summary, I recommend that all of you go see the preview of this
movie. If you decide to see the entire movie, I recommend the last
showing of the evening, when there's lots of old gum on the floor.
It will feel like your foot is caught in spider webbing and you'll
get a freaky 3-D sensation that doesn't cost extra.
DNRC Book Club
--------------
Are you tired of book clubs that focus on inspirational crap that
makes you depressed? Me too. That's why I have assembled a list of
books for cynics who would rather mock other people than get all
moist thinking about how unfair the world is. Here are my picks,
ideal for summer reading and graduation gifts.
Fooled By Randomness, by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. He explains how
almost everything in the realm of business and finance that looks
like "talent" is really pure luck. I resemble that remark.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1587990717/dilbertcom-20>
Blinded By the Right, by David Brock. The author is an admitted
scoundrel and liar. You wouldn't want him to date your son but he
does a good job of stamping out any lingering idealism you have
about politics.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0812930991/dilbertcom-20>
One Nation Under Gods, by Richard Abanes. It's about the early
history of the Mormon Church and it's either a bunch of outrageous
and slanderous distortions or a thoroughly researched eye-opening
service to humanity. (How would I know the difference?) It's not
supposed to be funny but I found myself laughing out loud on almost
every page.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1568582196/dilbertcom-20>
You Got Nothing Coming, by Jimmy Lerner. Jim sat in the cubicle
next to me when we both worked at Pacific Bell. Since then he
strangled one of his friends with a belt, went to jail for three
years and wrote a wonderful book about the experience. (Really. And
did I mention that Jim worked in Marketing?) Find out how Jim used
his corporate skills to survive prison. The "facts" are in
question, especially about the self-defense claim, but it's an
amazing and hilarious read. He's a gifted writer and I don't say
that just because he knows where I live.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767909186/dilbertcom-20>
Fuzzy Logic: Get Fuzzy 2, by Darby Conley. It's the latest
compilation of comics from the best new cartoonist in ten years.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721984/unitedmedia>
God's Debris, by Scott Adams. This book found a thriving
word-of-mouth niche with college-aged readers who are enthusiastic
about all forms of sex including the kind where a book does it to
their brains. It spent most of last month as #1 bestseller on
Amazon.com's metaphysics category and #1 bestseller on
Peanutpress.com (Palm e-books). It's at:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/dilbertcom-20>
Signs of Induhviduality
-----------------------
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make
it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these
sightings.
---
Two adjacent businesses near our house had their signs arranged in
an unfortunate way:
"Woodlawn Cemetery"
"Self-storage"
---
Our local teriyaki joint had a great lunch special the
other day:
"$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
---
Outside of Mitchell, South Dakota, there was a billboard
advertising a garage with
"24-hour Toe Service"
I always thought it was nice that in a small town like Mitchell,
you could get a pedicure any time, day or night.
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals continue to be
confused by critters, nature and body parts.
---
"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."
---
"We've got lower-hanging fish to fry."
---
"We've got to nix this thing in the bud."
---
During a recent sales meeting, our pointy-haired sales director
told us that we were on track to achieving our sales goals and we
could almost see "...the light at the end of the rainbow." I almost
shot coffee out my nose.
---
"If you can't get those parts in time, that'll really put a wrinkle
in your feather."
---
"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."
---
"You're trying to move a mountain with a molehill."
---
"Too many cooks in the pot."
---
"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."
---
"I'm going to sweep this mess under the floor."
---
"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"
---
"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."
---
My supervisor stated that another manager had him in her
"shorthairs."
---
"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."
---
"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."
---
"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on
the tracks."
---
"That didn't work out, so I guess we're just AOL."
---
"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."
---
"He turned beet white."
---
"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this
project."
---
"You know...you can't skin two cats with one bird..."
---
"Our unemployed are working fewer and fewer hours!"
---
"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."
---
"Let's get right down to the gnat's meow."
Google Fun
-----------
Dilbert is making a five-day guest appearance on the Google Web
site. It's the answer to the question you've all wondered: How hard
would it be to make five clever jokes about the word Google and get
them all approved by a committee?
I'm sad to say that my first attempt, culminating with Wally
standing behind the letters "OO" as if they were huge man-breasts,
did not pass muster. To see what did, go to this page:
<http://www.Google.com>
The final logo will be revealed on Friday.
A limited-edition mug with the characters on one side and the final
logo on the other is available here:
<http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/store.aspx?storeid=dt_google&brand=unitedmedia>
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here now, more amazing tales of Induhviduals as reported by
vigilant - and sometimes vigilante - DNRC members.
---
I was at the gift shop at the Framingham Service Area on the Mass
Pike a few days ago. Having made my purchase and turning to leave,
I saw a young woman walk up to the cashier with a tiny
person-shaped stuffed doll in a box marked "Voodoo Doll." Her
question to the clerk: "Does this really work?"
---
While in a bookstore last night, I overheard an Induhvidual
customer ask the sales clerk, "How often is Newsweek published?"
---
A few years ago while traveling in rural Texas, we stopped at a
restaurant for dinner. When I asked the waitress if their soup was
homemade, she looked confused and said, "No, we make it here..."
---
I was working as a consultant for a major phone company. In this
huge meeting where we were discussing how to combine multiple
systems and how no one wanted to give up their sacred cows, one
bright Induhvidual said, "Well, we really need to think outside of
the box." His counterpart replied (and was totally serious), "If we
think outside of the box, we're all gonna die."
---
On one of the bowl games the day after New Year's (2002), a player
made a very good one-handed catch. Later in the same game, the
same player made a one-handed catch with the opposite hand. The
Induhvidual who was commentating said, "Wow, that guy must be
amphibious!"
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the e-mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the
names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Are you the same Scott Adams that I went to high school with in
Glendale, California? If you are, I was the blonde cheerleader who
had a huge crush on you but you didn't know it.
Lydia
--
Dear Too-Lydia-Too-Late,
Mr. Adams did not attend high school in Glendale but still your
message sent him into a euphoric coma. Mistaken identity is the
closest that Mr. Adams has ever been to high school popularity,
despite being self-proclaimed captain of the chess team. But
frankly, in Mr. Adams' high school, chess was played with checkers
rules so even that wasn't the big deal it could have been.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am in high school and plan to become an engineer like Dilbert.
But after reading your comic I am worried. Is it really that bad?
Don
---
Dear Doomed,
Dilbert's workplace does not resemble the real workplace, but only
because newspapers won't print comics that have violence,
obscenities and scatological references. But if you take the comic
and add those elements at home, like a science project, you'll get
a good glimpse of your future.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
New Dilbert Cards at Yahoo! Greetings
----------------------------------------------
Tell your friends you're thinking about them with the latest
animated Dilbert cards.
The card featuring Dilbert in his vacation outfit is here:
<http://send.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/send?.id=152055424&.catu=/cards/Dilbert/>
Watch Dogbert wag his tail:
<http://send.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/send?.id=152055423&.catu=/cards/Dilbert/>
Congratulate your favorite graduate:
<http://send.greetings.yahoo.com/greet/send?.id=152055419&.catu=/cards/Dilbert/>
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
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