[55] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 40.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Thu Mar 28 20:16:35 2002
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Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 20:16:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Scott Adams <2.13182.3c-9qUNsuqs1beR.1@ummail4.unitedmedia.com>
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Dilbert Newsletter 40.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: March 2002
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Enron Irony
* Movie Review
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* True Tales of Induhviduals
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
There are 500,000 shockingly attractive and freakishly intelligent
members of the DNRC. That's enough people to form our own country,
tentatively named Dogbertistan. Our territory will be comprised of
bubbles of space that surround each of our bodies wherever we
happen to be. If an Induhvidual tries to hug you -- and this is a
big problem for people as attractive as us -- demand a passport and
a series of painful shots.
This newsletter is delayed because I've been busy writing my next
blockbuster hardcover Dilbert book, due out in October. It picks up
where The Dilbert Principle left off, examining in my usual
scholarly way what-the-hell-is-wrong with your boss and co-workers
and the rest of the world too. I'll let you know when that's
available.
Enron
-----
I think we can learn a few things from the Enron situation. First,
if the president of your company has "killing" built into his last
name (Skilling) and your CEO is named Lay, don't be surprised if
something bad happens to the employees. It's a little-known fact
that two other executives at Enron are named Randy Pooponyour401K
and Tim Declarebankruptcy. In retrospect, all the warning signs
were there.
Most observers believe that the Enron executives are devious,
unethical crooks. The only other explanation is that they are the
biggest idiots in the solar system. No matter how outraged you feel
about this situation, you have to be amused by what's coming next:
To avoid jail, the executives will have to convince a jury that
they are astonishingly incompetent. That's their only defense.
Watch in delight as the executives spend two years and most of
their fortunes auditioning for the lead role in "I Am Sam." I'd
like to be a fly on the wall when they hire their lawyers.
Defense Lawyer: "My fee is a million dollars an hour."
Enron Executive: "Is that a lot? I'm not good at accounting."
Defense Lawyer: "It's cheap. In fact, you'll actually be MAKING
money."
Enron Executive: "Woo Hoo!!"
If the Enron executives are lucky, I'll be picked for the jury. I
have a natural bias toward assuming managers are incompetent. And I
believe in being nice to people who have hundreds of millions of
dollars and a track record of contributing to anyone who might help
them. Personally, I wouldn't accept a bribe in exchange for casting
a not-guilty vote. But I might accept a "donation" that would
improve their "access" to me. There's nothing wrong with improving
someone's access.
Now let's talk about the unfortunate employees of Enron. If those
employees are like most employees, they've been making personal
phone calls on company time, stealing office supplies, fudging
expense reports, lying about their accomplishments and using sick
days for vacations. Compare that to the executives who allegedly
stole hundreds of millions of dollars. The philosophical question
to consider is this: Are the executives LESS honest or just MORE
effective?
I tried out that philosophical question with some of my friends the
other day and they informed me that stealing from a company is okay
if you think the company deserves it and you take less than $1,000
per year. Now when my friends leave my house, I do a full
inventory.
Movie Reviews
-------------
I've decided to become a movie reviewer in my spare time. My goal
is to get a major film studio to quote me in their advertisements.
Like most of my goals, this one is embarrassingly shallow.
Recently I saw "The Count of Monte Cristo." I heartily recommend
this movie to anyone who has spent time in a cubicle. You'll relate
to being stabbed by co-workers, trapped in a tiny prison cell with
no way out, tortured once a year during your annual review, and
dreaming of revenge.
The movie is also educational. For example, I learned that no one
will recognize you if you grow a goatee. Even your best friend will
have no idea who you are if he can't see the middle-front part of
your chin. That could come in handy for some Enron executives, such
as Jimmy Tookyourmoneyhahaha.
Secondly, if you spend enough time whacking an old man with a stick
you will eventually become an expert swordsman. That's good news
for those of you who have sticks and don't like old men.
I rate this movie 3.75 out of 4.0. And for the benefit of the movie
studios, it's a "Must see!"
True Quotes from Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals continue to be
confused by critters or body parts.
"If you have that, the world is your walrus."
"I've got ears like a hawk."
"He looks like he's three sheep in the wind."
"I am going to let you move around more, just to break up the
mahogany."
"We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot."
"I think it's time to get our sleeves dirty."
"You can't see the forest if you're barking up the wrong tree."
"We need to get our ducks in the fire."
"We don't want to go barking up a dead horse."
"We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!"
"The ball is squarely on our shoulders."
"It's like those who can't, don't have to!"
"Your work is late, but that's neither hide nor there!"
"Sometimes you have to turn a blind ear to these things."
"The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox."
"Don't do anything in public that you wouldn't do in private."
By e-mail: "... Does anyone have a concern? Speak now, or hold
your piece!"
"The Indians are nervous at Waterloo."
"Throw that monkey back over the fence."
"Let's not put our dandruff up in the air."
"Those new salesmen are still green behind the ears."
"She really rubs me up the wrong tree."
A former CEO made the following statement. "Some of you think that
only half of the Board of Directors do all the work and the rest do
nothing, actually the reverse is true."
The receptionist asked me, "Do you still live at your current
address?"
"Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man."
"It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass
that is half-full or half-empty."
My manager once said, "We triumphed over diversity."
Fun With False Memories
-----------------------
When I write a Dilbert book there are always a few critics who ding
me because I don't offer solutions for the workplace problems of
the world. They're right of course, but it's somewhat off the
point. It's like being mad at your pants for not making you
smarter. You shouldn't ask too much of pants or your cartoonists.
With my first non-Dilbert book - God's Debris - the criticisms are
more bizarre, but this time I brought it on myself. As some of you
know, I'm a trained hypnotist. I wrote God's Debris using a variety
of hypnosis techniques designed to twiddle with the reader's mind.
If you look at the reviews on amazon.com you can see an interesting
phenomenon -- one that's common when hypnosis is involved: funny
false memories.
By false memory I mean that about half of the readers "remember"
something other than what's in the book and then react to that
memory instead of the book itself. Anyway, part of the fun of the
book is that people come away with different memories of what's in
it. The most common form is that people believe they've read
something "just like it" in some other book, and they can even name
the book and author that did it first. For fun, ask them to show it
to you.
If you buy the hardcover now on Amazon.com you can get a free
e-book download, in Adobe Acrobat Reader format, for Windows,
Macintoshes and Unix.
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/qid%3D1000743259/sr%3D2-1/ref%3Daps%5Fsr%5Fb%5F1%5F1/103-5301932-3352638>
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
I was editing a document for a coworker and said, "There should
be a dash between the words 'first' and 'place.'" When I saw the
corrected copy it read "first dash place."
--
I managed a pet store that specialized in sales of tropical fish.
One afternoon shortly after Christmas a lady called with the
astonishing report that her fish were drinking too much water.
After a brief pause, I asked her how on earth she knew that.
"Well," she replied, "I noticed that they were gulping all the time
and when I woke up this morning I discovered that the aquarium
water was half gone."
I had to put down the phone and laugh for a good minute or two
before I could summon the composure to tell her that she needed to
check the floor for the water that had leaked out overnight and
bring the tank back in for a replacement.
--
True story: Years ago a local, family-owned grocery store in
Elkton, Virginia, had plastered across the front of the store
window a message in two-foot-high letters proclaiming, "YOU CAN'T
BEAT OUR MEAT." It was only up there for a couple of days.
--
An ad in our local newspaper for a new fish shop announced in BIG
letters, "Open 7 days a week, including Sunday!"
--
True sign in a store front window:
"Ears pierced, while you wait"
--
I work for the government (i.e. the largest corporation). My new
computer makes a loud hum and it's really distracting so I
complained to the IT department. The next day, the box that the
computer came in was in my cubicle and I thought they were going to
take it back. But the IT guy showed up later that day and put the
computer in the box, ran the cables out the back and stuffed it
under my desk. Now I can't hear the hum but it overheats and
crashes 2-3 times per day!
--
I work in a library. We are installing vending machines to charge
a fee to patrons to print from the Internet. We had to charge for
printing after many years of it being free because the voters of
our town repealed the food tax, resulting in lower revenue for city
services. When I explained this to an irate patron, he threw up
his hands and said, "Well, we can thank Bin Laden for that!" I
expressed confusion at this reasoning, but he assured me that Bin
Laden is responsible for the loss of all our personal freedoms. I
wanted to ask him when free printing qualified as a personal
freedom, but I managed to restrain myself.
--
A man called me to complain about a Florida vacation package we put
together. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that
is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."
--
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of
those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
Things You Always Suspected
---------------------------
I'm a senior at USC and as I was researching for a paper, I found
something that might amuse you and your readers. It seems there
was a study done in 1971 involving high school students in Europe.
It compared intelligence with interest in various professions.
The lowest correlation (-0.23) was between intelligence and
interest in management. In other words, the dumber you are, the
more you want to be a manager.
--
At an open reception for employees that was to honor them and show
appreciation for their efforts, one of the top administrators
stated, with a straight face, "Sometimes we forget how much the
little people contribute to the institution." There was a
collective gasp from the audience of "little people."
--
My partner works for a well-known guitar company in Sydney,
Australia. When he recently asked his manager why his request for
bereavement leave to attend his grandmother's funeral was denied,
he was told, "People die. You just have to get used to it."
--
There is a bank in New York called "Flushing Savings Bank." 'Nuff
said.
Plop or Squat Update
--------------------
I put on hold the "Plop" (now Squat) comic strip development until
I finish some other projects. Based on some of the comments from my
helpful readers I'm thinking of renaming it to, "The Substandard
Comic" which has the double advantage of being funny and lowering
expectations.
Restroom Quotes
---------------
I wish I had never started this category, but the submissions keep
coming in and I'm embarrassed to say they make me laugh.
---
I passed a cow-orker who was entering the restroom. He said to me,
"Time to send a fax to the main office."
--
A cow-orker was fond of calling the associates in the office Bud or
Sport or even Sporty. One day, intent on giving me a new
assignment, he followed me into the men's room, and as I was
standing at the urinal, he said, "Hey, Sporty, whatcha workin'
on?"
--
A co-worker was in the bathroom, doing his business at
the urinal when another manager walked in and said, "Looks like
there's a new Sheriff in town!" The manager was referring to our
newly hired PHB. This so freaked out my cow-orker he couldn't
finish.
Great Comics For Free
---------------------
In my opinion, the best single panel comic in the world right now
is something you've probably never seen. It's called "Randolph Itch
2:00 a.m." It's by Tom Toles. If you like your comics served weird
and clever with a dash of cruelty, you'll like it. It's about the
bizarre dreams of a guy named Randolph. See it here:
<http://www.comics.com/comics/randolphitch/index.html>
If you haven't already signed up to get Dilbert daily by e-mail,
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Dilbert E-cards at Yahoo! Greetings
------------------------------------------
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game that you can play while you're pretending to work, send a free
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You can see all the Dilbert e-cards here:
<http://greetings.yahoo.com/cards/Dilbert/>
Hey Vegetarians
--------------------
If you want your college, business or hospital to offer more
vegetarian food, check out <http://www.dilberito.com> and tell your
foodservice people about:
Protein Chef: A protein ingredient for any dish that would normally
use meat, chicken or tuna. It's wheat-based and has
a better texture than soy.
Dilberito: A handheld microwavable veggie burrito with 100% Daily
Values of vitamins and minerals. Four flavors.
Or e-mail my company President, Jack Parker at: mail@dilberito.com
Another Day in Cubicle Paradise
-------------------------------
The newest Dilbert reprint collection is available at amazon.com:
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721941/dilbertcom-20/103-1115414-6520625>
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answer the e-mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the
names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I have noticed that your comic strip is no longer clever and funny.
Now it seems dull and uninteresting. What happened to you?
Todd
--
Dear Turd,
Mr. Adams' comic strip has always been dull and uninteresting.
Nothing has changed on this end. The only explanation is that you
got smarter. That can happen if, for example, you took your finger
out of your nose for the first time in your life and let some air
into your brain. Brains need a certain amount of oxygen to operate
at peak efficiency now. If you feel smarter and the dizziness has
gone away, I recommend freeing up the other nostril too.
Mr. Adams appreciates your concern.
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am Scoutmaster for Boy Scout Troop [deleted]. One of our Scouts
is becoming an Eagle Scout and I am asking prominent people to send
congratulatory letters. His name is Billy [deleted].
Scoutmaster
--
Dear Billy,
I'm sure your mother taught you to never say you don't like
something unless you have tried it. And your Father probably taught
you that Boy Scouts shouldn't be gay. Am I the only one who sees a
contradiction here?
Congratulations,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
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