[57] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 42.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed Aug 7 13:57:19 2002
Date: Wed, 7 Aug 2002 13:55:23 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Adams <2.22505.4d-NQfHsGcDjxuR.1@ummail4.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
Dilbert Newsletter 42.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: August 2002
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* My Hair(?)cut
* Induhvidual Tales and Quotes
* DNRC Book Club
* Free Dilbert Stuff
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
Wow. There are 585,000 DNRC members. To be a member, you only need
to subscribe to this free newsletter, and apparently you have. Each
of us is a towering example of beauty and intelligence. Except for
me, as I will explain below.
My Buzz Cut
------------
I recently joined the ranks of hairless studs such as Bruce Willis
and Andre Agassi, thanks to an aggressive mowing of my own dome. I
remember the exact moment I decided to go for it. I was having
lunch with two friends who had already blazed the trail to cue ball
city. One of them - a notorious giver of nicknames -- referred to
my old hairstyle choice as the "pink yarmulke." That pretty much
sealed the deal.
The most shocking thing about getting a buzz cut (I didn't go all
the way) is that you suddenly realize your head is much smaller
than you ever would have imagined. I've developed a sudden fear of
ping-pong. Unfortunately, my ears, nose and glasses stayed exactly
the same size thus giving me a Mr. Potato Head look that I hope
will one day become fashionable.
On the plus side, I find endless amusement rubbing my head with my
hand. You would think I'd get bored doing that, but you would be
mistaken. That's why it's taken me so long to write this
newsletter; I'm typing with one hand.
I try to resist rubbing my head, but I don't have the willpower. I
tried to cut down from two hands to one. That worked for a few
days, but the next thing I knew I was slipping off a shoe and
trying to get a foot involved. It's a small problem now, but I'm
afraid it's like a gateway habit, a stepping-stone to worse
addictions. I'm already eyeing other parts of my body and wondering
how that stubble would feel. It's a sickness, really.
Dealing With Induhviduals
-------------------------
It's fun to apologize to Induhviduals in ways that are more
insulting than sincere. The first two examples come from DNRC
members. The rest are my contributions, although I can't imagine
someone hasn't said them before.
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
You're the best thing since sliced tea.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right
there, serving them drinks.
I love you more today than tomorrow.
Sentences Never Before Uttered
------------------------------
I like to spot sentences that I'm certain have never before been
spoken. Today I heard this one: "Marisa is in charge of snouts."
That requires some explanation.
My upcoming hardcover book, due out in late October, is called
"Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel." We were looking for some
plastic weasel-like snouts to use for promotion. While it is
entirely possible that other people have been in charge of snouts,
I doubt that any have ever been named Marisa.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Have you recently forgotten where you left your keys? Maybe you're
thinking you're losing your keen mental edge. If so, read these
true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by DNRC operatives in the
field, and you'll see how brilliant you really are, relatively
speaking.
--
When I remarked that this Friday is the longest day of the year,
our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, "You mean it's longer
than 24 hours?"
--
During our recent quarterly division conference call, our division
CIO made the following statement: "We do a great job of servicing
our customers from the front end, but we must all remember to
continue servicing our clients through the back end."
--
The other morning, two people walked by me on their way to the
elevator. One said to the other, "So, where do all these elevators
go? Are there other floors?" I laughed so hard milk flew out of my
cube neighbor's nose.
--
One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in
Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he
was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in
Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that
everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he
called the police to report a burglary. The police officer
reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked."
My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000
miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it
always looks.
--
I saw this statement about a company's services:
"You've taken your first step into a bold new realm that will
transform your imagination into a vision."
--
I work in a bank. An Induhvidual tried to return the stamps she
had purchased because they "did not work." The stamps were
self-stick, and she was licking the shiny paper that you're
supposed to peel off.
DNRC Book Club
--------------
You might have seen some of the media frenzy about Stephen
Wolfram's new 800+ page book called "A New Kind of Science." It's a
huge bestseller. He's a physicist who has a theory that the whole
universe - including everything from evolution to physics to free
will - can be understood as a simple program with maybe two or
three simple rules. He shows lots of examples of how simple
programs can, given enough time, create all of the sorts of
patterns and complexity found in nature. For his work, Wolfram is
routinely compared to Einstein and Newton.
Or you can read the same theory, published a year earlier, in my
fiction book, "God's Debris." (See page 55 in the hardcover.
Really.) For my work, I am routinely compared to Bozo the Clown,
Charles Manson, and steaming piles of offal.
I assume Wolfram gets more respect than I do because he's a
polymath genius whereas my only other theory is, "You are what you
eat, so don't eat a falafel because then you'll feel-awful." That's
the sort of theory that can come back and haunt you.
God's Debris:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/dilbertcom-20
A New Kind of Science:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1579550088/dilbertcom-20
Signs of Induhviduality
-----------------------
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make
it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these
sightings.
--
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa:
"Everyday low value"
--
There's a dry cleaner here in Albany, NY, that offers "Swede
Cleaning."
--
There is a sign on a church in Greenfield, MA, that says:
"HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?"
The next line down says:
"RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2."
--
A sign on a gun shop in downtown Chandler, AZ, reads:
"Guns, Ammo, Picnic Supplies"
[editor's note: That's a bad place to start a food fight.]
--
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a
small language school:
"English Tootering"
--
A workman on a construction project at our facility left this
neatly-lettered warning sign:
"WARNING - HOLE IN FLOOR ABOVE DOORWAY BELOW."
I didn't look under the sign, however, for fear of being sucked
into another dimension.
--
An ad running here in Charlotte, NC:
"Local talent agency seeks expiring models..."
Benefits of Being a Weirdo
--------------------------
One of the many benefits of being a weirdo is that sometimes,
entirely by accident, you can end up looking like a visionary. I
became a vegetarian years ago when I discovered that I don't digest
meat very well. So when I started my food company, Scott Adams
Foods, Inc., I made our products vegetarian (now also vegan) so
that everyone, including weirdos like me, could eat it. The goal
was to provide a nutritious (engineered) meal for people who cared
about that sort of thing. It's important because most food,
including vegetarian food, is either vitamin-free or fattening or
low on protein or inconvenient. Everything seemed to have a
trade-off. We tried to fix that.
Suddenly, I don't seem like such a weirdo. All the major news
outlets are featuring stories about the importance of diet. And the
timing is good, because I'm moving my food products - The Dilberito
(handheld nutritious burrito) and Protein Chef (meat substitute
made from wheat protein) into foodservice channels. So if your
college or business cafeteria doesn't have the variety that you
want, you might want to encourage them to look at
http://www.dilberito.com for some options.
It's too late for you to be a weirdo, but you can still get in on
the ground floor of being a visionary.
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
were spoken by managers. As always, Induhviduals continue to be
confused by critters, food items, nature, and body parts.
--
"We need to iron out our bread and butter."
--
"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"
--
"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."
--
"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."
--
"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."
--
"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."
--
"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"
--
"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."
--
"She's totally green under the collar."
--
My boss told me I was a "sword in his thigh."
--
At the completion of my on-campus job interview, which I thought
went well, I was told by the interviewer, "You'll hear from us one
way or the other or not at all."
Free Dilbert Stuff
------------------
See Dilbert.com to download four new free Dilbert wallpaper designs
- "Demons of Stupidity," "Fake Desktop," "Fist of Death," and "Out
to Lunch."
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/desktop_diversions/html/wallpaper.html
Check out the new Dilbert IMVironment available on Yahoo!
Messenger:
http://messenger.yahoo.com/messenger/imv/
The newest Dilbert e-cards are at:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/e_greetings/html/ecards.html
"The Search for Intelligence in the Office" is a free Dilbert
screensaver for DNRC members. (You'll need your DNRC password.)
http://www.dilbert.com/DilbertSofiScreensaver/DilbertPasswordLoginPage
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answer the e-mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the
names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
This is my fifth letter to you. You never respond! What do you
think about the first letter that I sent? Are my ideas good? Tell
me if you use them.
Brad
Dear Brat,
Mr. Adams doesn't remember your first letter, but judging from the
quality of your most recent letter, he's sure your ideas are
brilliant. When Mr. Adams uses your ideas - and I'm sure he will -
I will send you a secret coded message via your bed sheets.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
Your recent comic suggested that there was something wrong with
banjo manufacturers and banjos. Banjo makers deserve more than a
backhanded dismissal in your comic strip. In fact, banjos are
exciting and unique handcrafted instruments.
Perhaps those who know absolutely nothing about banjos should
refrain from making thoughtless judgments.
Jeremy
Dear Germy,
Mr. Adams offers his sincere apology for offending banjo makers and
users. The last thing he wants to do is irritate hillbillies,
Republican senators who perform in barbershop quartets, and the guy
who wrote the letter above yours.
From now on, Mr. Adams will only mock musical instruments that have
less passionate supporters. I plan to do some research on
nose-whistling to see if it has an organized lobbying group.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
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