[54] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 39.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed Nov 28 19:05:49 2001
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Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2001 19:05:44 -0500 (EST)
From: Scott Adams <2.5188.24-j5_psu76CxcR.1@ummail1.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
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Dilbert Newsletter 39.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: December 2001
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* New DNRC Word
* Boss and Cow-orker quotes
* Plop Version 2.0
* True Tales of Induhviduals
* My Holiday Message
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
The 400,000 members of DNRC continue to get smarter and better
looking every day. Case in point: I am typing this newsletter using
telekinesis while watching CNN in an adjoining room. And if I'm not
mistaken, Paula Zahn is trying to flirt with me.
New DNRC Word
-------------
A DNRC member suggests this new word for Osama's terrorist
organization: Al-Qae-duh.
I would love to have been a fly in Osama's beard last year when he
was discussing his plan for global conquest.
Osama: "I have an idea. Let's attack the most powerful
nation in the history of the universe and then hide
in caves."
Omar: "All in favor, say eye!"
That might sound like a crazy plan to many of you, but you need to
realize that Osama grew up in Saudi Arabia where that sort of
strategy has worked in the past. In the November 12th issue of
Newsweek there's a "Special Advertising Section" where Saudi
Arabia's public relations firm describes the wonderful history of
Saudi Arabia. In 1901 a guy named Ibn Saud, along with his cousin
and 38 buddies, climbed over the fortress wall in Riyadh and waited
until the Amir came strolling by. Then Ibn and his cousin hacked
the Amir to death with swords. At this point in the story -- so you
don't think I'm making up this whole thing -- I quote from Saudi
Arabia's own P.R. article: "The Riyadh garrison, demoralized by the
death of their leader, and fearing they faced a far larger force
than 40 men, surrendered."
That's right; Ibn conquered a whole city with 40 men, of which 38
were just standing around watching. Eventually the Saud family
consolidated power, named the country after themselves and formed a
royal dynasty that is still in power. That's the inspirational
story that little Osama learned in school when he was growing up.
Who's crazy now?
True Quotes from Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals are confused by
anything involving critters or body parts.
"It's an exercise in fertility."
"Hindsight is 50-50."
"Just use your own excretion."
"You are never going to fail unless you try."
"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."
"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have
any fiddlers."
"The project is going down the toilet in flames."
"He might be barking at a red herring."
"You're treading on thin water."
I think he meant we should cross our T's and dot our I's but it
came out this way: "Be sure we all cross our eyes."
"He's as deaf as a bat."
"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped
off."
"I gave him a real mouthful."
"I really took the bull by the hands."
"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."
"You should talk to her. She is a minefield of information."
"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"
"You can lead a pig to pearls..." and then he trailed off.
"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on
a Monday."
"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the
decorations on the tree."
And this last quote, which may or may not have come from Osama: "We
need an escape goat."
Plop Version 2.0
-----------------
In case you ever decide to start your own comic strip and you want
to solicit opinions from other people, let me give you this piece
of valuable advice. You should never -- and I mean NEVER -- give
the comic a name that rhymes with any of the following words:
Flop
Drop
Stop
That little rhyming opportunity was not lost on about two hundred
of you who thought Plop was not up to DNRC quality. Fortunately,
some people actually liked Plop. I read every comment and the
breakdown looks roughly like this:
Loved it: 33%
Liked it: 46% (thought it has potential)
Loathed it: 21%
That's a great response for a first draft of a comic. Comic strips
normally get developed for several months before the public sees
them. You're in on the ground floor.
Version 2.0 of Plop incorporates many of your comments. I renamed
Plop (because Plop was the name of a comic book in the past), I
changed Smokey's species, I made Plop more optimistic, I addressed
the hip-deep mud question and I started to fill out the
personalities of the main characters. Only a few people were
bothered by the physical similarity to the Taliban, so I'm not
going to let that bother me if the comic develops into something
worthwhile.
The new and improved strips are posted on the Web at
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/plop/ and begin with #21. All
comments and rhyming insults are appreciated.
Induhvidual Baby Names
----------------------
Here is further proof that all Induhviduals should be given the
same name to keep things simple.
--
A doctor friend of mine was on hand for a delivery in a maternity
unit. The mother named her daughter Placenta.
--
I once knew a person with the tuneful name of Listerine.
--
My wife was a public social worker in South Carolina many years
ago. One of her case families had a daughter named Syphilis. The
family pronounced it in two parts: Syph-Philis. One day my wife
asked the mother how they came to name the child Syph Philis. The
mother said the hospital named her, and she got a copy of the birth
certificate to prove it.
On the birth certificate was an annotation that the child was "born
of a mother with syphilis." The mother assumed the hospital had
named her child for her.
(Editor's note: That one sounds like an urban legend to me. Let me
know if you've heard it before.)
Saving the World
----------------
Here's a fun mental exercise. Try to think of any problem in the
world that wouldn't be reduced if we all did some extra shopping
this year.
How about terrorism? Let's see, if we shop a little extra, that
stimulates the economy, which increases tax collections, which pays
for more security. Ta-dah!
How about unemployment? Shopping --> stimulated economy --> more
hiring.
How about diseases? Shopping --> stimulated economy --> funding for
research.
So I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that buying Dilbert
merchandise will solve every problem in the world. But don't think
the burden falls entirely on you. I'll meet you halfway by listing
some suggestions.
- Dilbert 2002 Day-To-Day Calendar. It's like having a book
that you can tear up one page per day.
You can find the calendar at this link:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715674/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
- "When Did Ignorance Become a Point of View?" The newest
collection of Dilbert comics is ideal for tormenting your
boss.
You can find the book at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740718398/qid%3D999892906/sr%3D2-1/ref%3Daps%5Fsr%5Fb%5F1%5F1/103-8132560-1423852
- "God's Debris" - Ponder the collision of science and God
with my first non-Dilbert book. (Example: Do clones have
souls?) Some people are calling it the best book they've
ever read. Others say you shouldn't read it.
You can find "God's Debris" here:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/books/index.html
- Dilbert posters - you can get any Dilbert strip published in the
last 90 days printed on a poster, framed or unframed. Selected
older favorites are also available.
You can order Dilbert posters at:
http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/category.aspx?category=dilbert
- "The Dog is Not a Toy" - It's a "Get Fuzzy" comic
collection, a must-have for the serious comic fan.
Follow this link to order a copy:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740713922/unitedmedia
- Same day Dilbert and Get Fuzzy products - get today's strip
printed on shirts and other products.
- You can get free shipping through December 3rd on orders over $50
for posters, T-shirts and sweatshirts (shipped within the U.S.)
For same day strips and details on free shipping, follow this link:
http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/
- Dilbert and Peanuts mints in collectible tins - get free shipping
through December 1st (shipped within the continental U.S.).
For Dilbert Mints:
http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=CS&Category_Code=D&Affiliate=Dilbert
For Peanuts Mints:
http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=CS&Product_Code=R60004&Category_Code=R
http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=CS&Product_Code=R60011&Category_Code=R
- New Yorker cartoons - you can now get prints or T-shirts of
current New Yorker cartoons, and mugs will soon be available.
http://www.comics.com/cartoonbank/
Dilbert.com Upgrade
-------------------
Some Dilbert.com features won't be available while the web servers
are upgraded, from December 3rd through December 9th. These include
List of the Day voting and e-mail subscriptions.
If you've been thinking about getting a free Daily Dilbert
subscription, you can sign up now at:
http://www.dilbert.com/dailydilbert/registration
You don't need to do anything for your e-mail to start up again
after the upgrade.
Things Not To Say in a Restroom
-------------------------------
I hope this doesn't spawn a new category, but these two reports
were worth mentioning.
--
As I entered the restroom, a cow-orker who had just finished his
business, turned to me and said, "Oh, hey, Brent, I was just
thinking about you."
--
At my last job, just as I was entering a restroom, a cow-orker
said, "Say, can I grab you when you're done?"
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
One of the young ladies in our office is getting ready for her
"dream" vacation to Mount Rushmore. My colleague asked her to bring
him back a picture of the other side of the mountain. When she
asked why, he proceeded to convince her that on the other side of
Mount Rushmore are the backs of the presidents, on their knees,
with their heads stuck into the mountain. She is so excited that
she is going to look for a special tour of the backside.
--
I went to a home improvement store to buy a new faucet for my
kitchen sink. I did not see the particular model I had in mind, so
I asked one of the Induhvidual employees for assistance.
He said, "We stopped selling that model because it was the number
one theft item in the store." I waited to hear the punchline, until
I realized he was serious.
I might have to find a new home improvement store if they ever
achieve their goal of carrying no products worth stealing.
--
During a round of layoffs at the company, a farewell card for one
unfortunate cow-orker was circulated. People were signing the card
with "good luck!" and "Been great working with you" and so on.
When the card got to the desk of one manager, he did not bother to
read the card. He just wrote "Happy Birthday" and signed his name.
--
A pool hall put up a sign in their front window that read:
"Profound language prohibited within." I could just imagine some
people discussing the meaning of life and being told to take it
outside.
--
While traveling on business in Norfolk, Nebraska, I noticed a
Ramada Inn sign:
"Plan your next affair here"
The next day the sign was taken down.
--
At a business lunch, platters of calamari were passed down the
tables. As a platter reached one of the employee's wives, she was
heard to remark during an unfortunate lull in the conversation,
"No, thanks. I never eat anything with testicles attached."
The stricken silence lasted a few moments. Then 150 people lost it.
--
I work in a camera store. An Induhvidual came in and said his
camera wasn't working and asked me if I could look at it. I agreed
and said I would check the battery first. The Induhvidual said,
"I've had this battery for five years and I've never had any
problems with it before."
I changed the battery and the camera worked.
--
I would like to shove a live bear cub up my boss's nose and then
have the mother bear go after him whenever he opens a phone
conversation with, "Hi buddy how's it going yeah me too!"
--
My boss was having a discussion with another employee about some
work rules that pertain to people doing manual labor. He said
these rules don't apply to us because we don't use manuals.
--
Yesterday my boss called me and said, "Effective immediately, I
want you to stop your current activity and start working on this
new area." When I asked specifically what I was supposed to do, he
replied: "It was not my intention to give you a task today, just a
mind-set!"
My Holiday Message
------------------
I've written and rewritten this section a dozen times. My problem
is that no matter how much I write, I keep condensing it down to
the same thought: This holiday season, as we laugh and eat and shop
and enjoy friends and family, our soldiers are in Afghanistan
risking everything for us. Some of them won't come back. The rest
will never be the same.
Every one of them volunteered. They think we're worth it.
Let's prove them right.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
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