[53] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 38.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed Nov 7 20:04:55 2001
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Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 20:04:38 -0500 (EST)
From: Scott Adams <2.3759.1c-X4djsZP4T1lR.1@ummail1.unitedmedia.com>
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Dilbert Newsletter 38.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: November 2001
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Scott's Patriotic Duty
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* True Tales of Induhviduals
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
There are 400,000 people in the DNRC, each more attractive,
generous and intelligent than those who do not read the free
Dilbert Newsletter. Maybe that's a coincidence, but I'm starting to
doubt it.
My Patriotic Duty
-----------------
I've been wondering about the best way to offer my patriotic
services in this time of global conflict. I don't think I'd be a
good candidate for Special Ops. I'd be the
one with the wheeled carry-on bag saying, "Hey, guys, I have sand
in my shoe! Is anyone else hungry? Can I use my flashlight now?"
I'm already donating money to patriotic causes, and I bought some
plastic flags made in China, but I felt I needed to do more. Then
it hit me. There is one patriotic duty for which I have prepared my
entire life: dehumanizing the enemy. In a sense, that's been my
full-time job for years. I just need to replace the word
"management" with "Taliban." So let's get started.
I've been trying to figure out the Taliban's long-term strategy and
I think I got it: They're trying to reverse evolution. Their
uncontrolled body hair is a good start. Living in caves was an
obvious step too.
The hard part was eliminating any trace of intelligence in the
children. But they've made great strides in that area. Have you
seen the video of the Taliban schools where the little kids squat
on the floor and rock back and forth chanting all day? No math, no
social studies, just rocking and chanting. For PE they use sticks
to whack stuffed dummies labeled "Bush" and "Blair." I'm not sure
how they know how to spell "Bush" and "Blair." On any given morning
they're probably whacking dummies labeled "Tqwft" and "Upxpgt" but
it's a good aerobic workout either way.
Just for fun, ask yourself what part of the Taliban curriculum
could NOT be accomplished by, for example, a monkey: Rocking back
and forth? Chanting? Beating a dummy with a stick? Even if a monkey
only got a "D" in chanting, he would still graduate with honors
from a Taliban school thanks to his high overall grades in rocking
and whacking.
As I write this, our generals are trying to figure out how to get
the Taliban out of their caves. They're running sophisticated war
game scenarios and calculating risks and gathering intelligence. I
have one word for them:
bananas
I don't want my patriotic words misconstrued as ethnic or religious
insults. As soon as the evildoers stop doing evil, I am willing to
promote them to full-fledged Induhviduals and insult them on equal
footing with everyone else who doesn't read the Dilbert Newsletter.
Now that we've dehumanized the Taliban, let's get on to the
important work of dehumanizing our bosses, cow-orkers and family
members.
Induhvidual Confusion
---------------------
Some topics seem to confuse Induhviduals more than others. For
example, they seem to have special trouble with concepts involving
wildlife, vision and their own pants. See for yourself in these
true quotes from Induhvidual bosses and Cow-orkers, submitted by
DNRC members:
---
A VP was speaking at a meeting and said, "Well, you can lead a
horse to water but you can't make him crap." Someone up front said,
"That's drink...can't make him drink." To which the VP said,
"That's stupid."
---
"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!"
---
A cow-orker once said, "Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the
monkeyworks."
---
"A two-prawn approach is necessary."
---
Here is a mangled expression the CIO at our company told me the
other day. We were discussing an issue we both agreed upon and he
said I was "preaching to the blind."
---
"He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants."
---
One of the employees called in to say that she couldn't come to
work because she "...had to have an autopsy."
---
My boss was telling a very involved story about something that
happened to him. He leaned back nonchalantly and offered as a
philosophical summary: "Sometimes fact is stranger than truth."
---
"It's a catch 20-20."
---
Our former boss suffered from the excessive use of mixed metaphors.
An all-time howler was the day we asked him what his plans were to
ensure success for a campaign and his reply was "Don't worry; I've
got an ace up my hole."
---
At a management meeting, my CEO said, "Our company is like a living
orgasm." Now that's what I call job satisfaction.
---
I overheard a manager congratulating an Induhvidual on having
achieved a goal. The Induhvidual replied, "It was nothing. You
planted the seed, and I ran with it."
---
In a meeting a cow-orker of mine referred to "the carrot at the end
of the tunnel."
---
"We are going to be shooting from the seat of our pants on this
one."
---
These all came from the same boss:
"Vision is in the eyes of the beholder."
"Part of the verbiage is a language thing."
"Eventually, I want it now."
"It's not that kind of zero."
"There are a lot of areas for efficiency reductions."
"In the last year, you've turned around 150%."
---
When a high-powered agent of the company walked into the lunch
room, our secretary remarked to our group that she couldn't stand
him because he was "so ego-testicle." One of my cow-orkers spit
coffee out of his nose, which just added to the moment.
---
"I think you might have hit the nail on the button."
---
"...caught between a rock and a wet spot."
---
And my nomination for scariest thing a boss ever said:
"I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought
of a name for you."
IMVironment on Yahoo!
---------------------
Get the downloadable IM chat environment for Yahoo! featuring the
Dilbert characters at http://www.dilbert.com.
Holiday Gift Ideas
------------------
When I'm not slaving away writing FREE Dilbert Newsletters for you,
I sometimes make holiday gift recommendations. I believe a gift
should acknowledge the recipient's unique personality and
interests. That's why I organized these suggestions by personality
defect.
For Heathens, Vulcans, Skeptics and Dogmatics:
----------------------------------------------
My first non-Dilbert book, "God's Debris" (now in hardcover), is
full of thought experiments about souls, free will and science that
will have your friends and family arguing with each other for
weeks. Combine the book with alcoholic beverages and there might
even be some slapping.
The book is designed to fit in a stocking and to look as if you put
more thought into the gift than you really did. Imagine how smart
you'll seem when you say, "I found all the errors in reasoning. I'm
sure you will too."
We probably didn't print enough copies of "God's Debris" for the
holiday season (really) - it's way more popular than I expected --
so if it's meant to be a gift, act now. Get several for your smart
friends or get just one and let people borrow it.
You can find "God's Debris" at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/unitedmedia/107-5126509-7932516
People With Short Attention Spans:
----------------------------------
I recommend the Dilbert Page-A-Day Calendar for people who can't
handle more than 10 seconds per day of any one type of
entertainment. For more severe cases of attention deficit, consider
the monthly wall calendar or the weekly planner.
Imagine the look on the face of the lucky recipient, full of
unmitigated joy and boundless appreciation for your gift-giving
brilliance.
You can find these calendars at the following links:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715674/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715712/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715690/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
People Who Are Hard To Shop For:
--------------------------------
I recommend my new book, "When Did Ignorance Become a Point of
View?" It's a compilation of Dilbert comics that won't clash with
anyone's home decorations or wardrobe. And it shows thoughtfulness
because everyone you know has either had a job or knows someone who
has.
Tip: When it's being unwrapped say, "You'll like this unless you're
dead inside." That prevents most people from complaining, which is
similar to being happy.
This book is available at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740718398/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
For Dyslexics:
--------------
For dyslexics (like me) I recommend the or Calendar Day-A-Page
Dilbert, my book "Debris God's," my and book, "When Become Did a
Point of Ignorance View."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740715674/ref=ase_unitedmedia/104-2285776-7245555
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/shop/
People Who Stand Too Close:
---------------------------
Dilbert mints, featuring Manage-Mints, Improve-Mints,
Accomplish-mints and Pay-mints are now available at:
http://www.candy2you.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=CS&Category_Code=D&Affiliate=Dilbert.
The mints are good for people who like tasty mints or bad puns or
collecting little tin containers for who-knows-what purpose.
Plop, The Hairless Elbonian
---------------------------
Over the summer I was experimenting with a Dilbert spin-off comic
strip about a little boy and his pig growing up in the clueless
country of Elbonia. Unfortunately this isn't a good time to launch
a comic featuring people who look like the Taliban. So it's on the
shelf, probably permanently.
You can see the experimental strips at:
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/plop/
Let me know what you think.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here now, more true tales of Induhviduals, as submitted by members
of the DNRC.
The story in your last newsletter about the kid named Ampersand
reminded me of another version I heard recently. One of my
relatives met a woman who wanted to call her kid LATRINE. It took
me an hour to stop laughing long enough to ask if anybody had
pointed out what a latrine is. They had. She was apparently still
intent on using it.
---
When I received my new credit card, it had the number two (2) after
my name instead of Roman numeral II as it should have, indicating
that my name is the same as my father's. I called the bank's
customer service number and asked that their records be changed to
use the Roman numeral two (II) instead of the number two (2).
The customer service rep said, "I'm sorry, sir. My computer
doesn't have Roman numerals."
---
I just went to see the Cirque du Soleil. During one performance,
where a man and woman were flying around by having scarves under
their arms attached to this huge wheel thing in the air while doing
complicated acrobatics at the same time, an Induhvidual behind me
said to her companion, "That must take a lot of practice."
---
At my bookstore a customer returned three of Shakespeare's books
because, "The DARN things are in the form of PLAYS!"
---
At the grocery store, the checkout woman scanned all of my items
then picked up the rubber divider and looked it over for the bar
code so she could scan it. She asked, "Do you know how much this
is?"
I said, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "Okay." I paid her and left.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
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