[52] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter #37
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed Oct 3 16:09:17 2001
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Date: Wed, 3 Oct 2001 16:09:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Adams <2.1964.2c-kwPusu6DRUnR.1@ummail1.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
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Dilbert Newsletter 37.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: October 2001
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* True Tales of Induhviduals
* Dogbert Answers My Mail
* "God's Debris" Now in Hardcopy
* Dogbert's Origin Strips Online
-------------------------------------------------
9/11/01
-------
Every morning for over twelve years I woke up before dawn, grabbed
my timer-brewed coffee and sat down to draw a Dilbert comic. I did
it seven days a week. I did it on Thanksgiving. I did it on
Christmas. I did it when I was sick. That was my rule, unless I was
traveling. No exceptions. Never.
People always asked me, "Do you ever have writer's block?" Nope.
Not once.
On 9/11/01, that changed. Somehow I managed to turn off the
television for a few minutes. I stared at a blank piece of paper.
It stayed blank.
The bastards took my sense of humor.
Shock. Disbelief. Grief. Anger. Repeat.
The counting began. The husband of a friend, gone. The husband of a
business associate, gone. A regular customer of my restaurant,
gone. The innocence of a generation of children, gone. Trust, gone.
Investments, squashed.
We lost so much. But it put life in perspective, and that might be
the one good thing to come from this. Friends and family are more
precious. I am grateful for every bite of food and every drink of
water. My cats purr better. The first normal radio commercial in
several days was deeply satisfying. I had taken so much for
granted.
The politicians and the soldiers have their jobs to do. We all know
our roles too -- somehow automatically -- a reassuring sign of our
indestructible connectedness.
Now I'm going to do my job. I'm taking back my sense of humor. I
hope you'll join me when you can. If you're not ready, read no
further. We'll catch up later, my friend.
(pause, take a breath)
DNRC Long-Term Plan
-------------------
The long-term plan for the DNRC is to evolve into a new species
with telekinetic powers. That sort of thing normally takes a
billion years but if we manage the project correctly I think we can
do it by 2003. The first step in this process is to develop our own
language. Specifically, we'll need lots more words to describe our
majestic beauty, our galactic intelligence, and the underpowered
brains of the Homo sapiens we leave behind.
To review some of our current vocabulary:
In-duh-vidual: Anyone who is not in the DNRC
A-duh-lescent: Young Induhvidual
Cow-orker: A co-worker who is an In-duh-vidual
A DNRC member suggests a new word for Induhviduals who are in their
advanced years: El-duh-ly. It's a keeper.
Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle
--------------------------
Have you seen Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle yet? It's a real live
prototype developed with IDEO, a leading innovation and design
firm. It has everything from a hammock to an under-floor cooler to
a boss punching bag. Go to http://www.dilbert.com and follow the
links to see it in full detail. Then eat your heart out.
Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
-------------------------
From the mouths of Induhviduals come mostly babble, but sometimes
entertaining quotes. Here are some gems submitted by DNRC members.
You'll notice a recurring theme that Induhviduals have a hard time
keeping straight the functions of all of their body parts.
---
I once heard my PHB say, "It's like the naked leading the blind."
---
I was in a meeting the other day when one of my cow-orkers said,
"We need to keep our noses to the ground, to hear what is coming!"
---
When discussing the most recent management initiative, my boss said
that we better make sure our facts are straight, or "we won't have
a leg to speak of."
---
Our CEO said, "You need to keep on burning the midnight oil... at
both ends!"
---
My boss said we wanted to avoid a situation in our system design
that would cause us to "bite our own foot."
---
My boss actually said, "If we can't lead them with a stick, we are
going to have to beat them with a carrot."
---
My boss said, "It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell
of it."
---
During a big, formal presentation, my PHB explained how our Web
site was built using "hyper-text magic language."
I had to leave the room.
---
My cow-orker just said her grandmother "smokes like a fish..."
"God's Debris" Now in Hardcopy
-----------------------------
The response to my e-book, "God's Debris," was so good (#1 e-book
in the world for 2001) that I turned it into a hardcover, available
now at bookstores and online booksellers.
The thought experiments and topics in the book became all too
relevant recently (holy lands, religious war, souls and science).
The book describes a solution to our current global problem, in
fiction form, written before the recent ugliness.
No, I don't think global solutions come from books written by
cartoonists. But if it helps anyone think differently about the
collision of science and religion, that's a start.
Great New Dilbert.com Features
------------------------------
There's no flies on Dilbert.com (just bugs). Look at these new
features:
Newest Dilbert strips on shirts:
Every day you can get the latest Dilbert strip printed on a T-shirt
or sweatshirt. Strips are available for one month after they're
published.
http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/category.aspx?category=dilbert
Free E-Cards:
Not just for birthdays - send a Dilbert postcard or animated
greeting. Some include games!
http://www.dilbert.americangreetings.com/
Dogbert's origin strips:
See Dogbert's origin in the comics that never got published.
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/scoop/dogbert_origin.html
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
And now, more true tales from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC
members.
---
We sent a message to our wholesaler asking what happened to two
orders of underwear that were 60 days late. The answer I got back
was, "Sorry, they fell through the cracks."
---
A local museum here in Nova Scotia has a display about early French
settlers. My friend once overheard a visitor commenting on the
wooden shoes shown in the costume display, "I didn't know the
French were Dutch!"
---
On my way to school I saw a pickup truck towing a car using nothing
but a rope. No one was in the towed car and it was moving at a good
clip. Needless to say, when the pickup stopped at a red light the
towed car smashed into the back of it, demolishing both vehicles."
---
I recently had to call German Telekom to get my new cell phone
switched on. I asked the call center guy how long it would take and
he said, "Well, usually it only takes 48 hours, but we're
experiencing technical difficulties right now, so it'll take about
two days."
---
Last week I was sitting in the teacher's lounge at the high school
where I work. One of my colleagues, an English teacher, was
lamenting the poor behavior of her students, and longing for the
return of "corporate punishment."
[Editor's note: I assume that involves a cubicle.]
---
A local Chinese restaurant printed up thousands of menus and
distributed them. The entry for "Shrimp with assorted vegetables"
was tragically mistyped as "Shrimp with assroted vegetables."
---
While working at the local library, surrounded by literally tens of
thousands of library materials, I was approached by an Induhvidual
who asked, "Do you have any books?"
---
I work at a thrift store in Oklahoma. One day we got a set of nice
used glass bowls. My boss prepared them for display and made a
sign.
"New set of bowels -- $4.00"
---
I was eating breakfast at a restaurant called Biscuitville. The
paper liner of the tray proudly announced
"INGREDIENTS AS FRESH AS THEY WERE 27 YEARS AGO"
---
Someone broke into the house of one of my dad's friends. While the
person was stealing stuff, I guess he needed a change of clothes,
because he took off his pants and put on a pair from the house. He
left his own pants behind. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that
in one of the pants pockets there was a receipt with his name and
address on it. Needless to say, there wasn't much trouble in
catching him.
Weasel Stories Needed
---------------------
If you have any good stories of people being weasels, please send
them my way, to scottadams@aol.com.
You know weaseling when you see it. It's all the action that's
somewhere between honesty and outright criminal behavior. It's the
little lies of omission, the intentionally misleading wording,
statistics taken out of context, poor performance done
intentionally, almost anything done by a vendor. You know it when
you see it. Better yet, you know it when you do it.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have
been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I overheard this last night. One woman said to another, "It's
hotter than a cow's ass." I didn't know that cows were renowned
for the temperature of their hindquarters. If you have any insights
on this topic that you could share with DNRC, I think we'd all be
enlightened.
DNRC Member
Dear Esteemed DNRC Member,
You've probably seen the popular bumper sticker that says, "Cowboy
butts drive me nuts." Studies have shown that every person prefers
a different type of hindquarter -- some like cowboys, some like
cows. I believe that you overheard an Induhvidual who finds cows
"hot." While many of us can't appreciate that sentiment, I think we
all agree that it would be convenient to date a cow, especially if
you're sitting in Starbucks and you don't want to walk all the way
over to the little counter to get some extra cream.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
The pop-up ads on your dilbert.com Web site are annoying! Please
make them go away.
Tommy
Dear Commy,
People have learned to ignore Web ads that don't move, so lately
advertisers are only willing to pay for pop-up ads. Someday, after
you learn to ignore pop-up ads too, then the advertisers will have
to drive to your house and tattoo ads directly on your body. You'll
be nostalgic for the good old days of pop-up ads. Enjoy them while
you can.
Or you can go to dilbert.com and sign up for the Daily Dilbert
comic and have it e-mailed directly to you, for free, with no
pop-up ads. (Seriously.)
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at
scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.
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