[18] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 12.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (scottadams@InterNex.NET)
Mon Sep 9 18:32:11 1996
Date: Sun, 8 Sep 1996 23:16:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: scottadams@InterNex.NET
To: dilbert_list@custmail.InterNex.Net
Dilbert Newsletter 12.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: August 1996
(Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting)
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Practical jokes for the office
- Scott's trip report for The Dilbert Principle
- Dogbert answers my mail
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Status
-----------
Every one of the 135,000 members of DNRC continues to get smarter and
sexier with each issue of the newsletter.
Coincidence? Hardly.
Each sentence you read here is designed to tone your brain and stimulate
the release of potent pheromones. I know it's working because I'm on an
airplane as I write this and a woman in a blue outfit offered me a pillow
and a blanket. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to know what she's
thinking.
If this trend continues we might have to require the people who are not
in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) to keep themselves sealed in airtight
plastic bags so they don't sniff our pheromones, go into heat and start
clinging to our legs in a most unsightly fashion.
I don't have to tell you that it would be a tragedy to put six billion
Induhviduals in airtight plastic bags, because the first thing you know,
someone in the DNRC will want to keep a sandwich fresh and there won't be
any plastic left.
Responsibility
--------------
When Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all the Induhviduals our
domestic servants, you will take your place as the new ruling class.
With this power comes certain responsibilities. Luckily, since we'll
rule the world, we can ignore those responsibilities and issue generous
stock options to ourselves whenever we're feeling blue.
Unknown Induhviduals
--------------------
I'm writing this section of the newsletter on my laptop computer while
sitting in the Orlando airport. The announcement on the public address
system keeps saying, "Please don't accept any packages from unknown
Induhviduals." Apparently this is a big problem in Orlando.
I've gotten three packages from Induhviduals since I sat down. They're
hideous things, made of carpet and bits of old newspapers, held together
by bailing twine, stinking of french fries. And that's just the
Induhviduals themselves -- the packages look worse.
DNRC Currency
-------------
After Dogbert conquers the planet, there will be one type of currency: a
big steel penny, about the size of a flapjack and weighing four pounds.
Dogbert's picture will be on one side and his waggish tail on the other.
It will be called the pennybert, worth the equivalent of one cent U.S.
DNRC members won't need money after the conquest, since we'll own
everything. The new coins will only be used to make life more difficult
for the Induhviduals. If one of them asks us for some illogical or
unreasonable favor (as they are inclined to do) we can say, "Let's flip a
coin." If the Induhvidual succeeds in getting the coin airborne, there's
a reasonable chance that it will knock the Induhvidual unconconscious on
the way back down. And that can be good for a laugh. It's not
sophisticated humor, granted, but it only costs a pennybert.
Each pennybert will carry a phrase that was suggested by a DNRC member
who is studying Latin but hasn't gotten to the advanced courses yet:
Ille Albus Canne Vinco Homines
That either means, "The white dog conquers humankind," or it means
something that several people told me I couldn't say in this newsletter,
despite the fact that it is very funny. So supply your own joke here,
please.
Clues for Induhviduals
----------------------
The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true
stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is
stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should
help a lot.
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook
it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with
water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in
there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room
and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to
specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
Practical Jokes for the Office
------------------------------
>From DNRC operatives:
Prank #1:
Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one
Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them
together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll
make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.
Prank #2:
Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest
version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you
type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the
autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist.
If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free.
For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is
autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm
to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker
disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related
violations.
Prank #3:
Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip
in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office.
Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially
silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music.
Prank #4:
Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or
copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct
the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking
purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is
Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."
Prank Report:
(a DNRC field report from a mission completed)
An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The
next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower
with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember
sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion.
Induhviduals Calling Tech Support
---------------------------------
...another true tale from tech support:
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready?
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
These true tales of Induhviduals have been reported by DNRC members:
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
-----
A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns'
when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he
was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and
was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even
let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar
telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The
person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the
Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work.
-----
An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his e-mail. I
overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed
things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the
e-mail "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he
had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I
attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted
everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops.
It must be rough being the new guy.
-----
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Hey, interns work free.
-----
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins
into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was
thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my
trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure
enough - there was 40 cents.
[editor's note: Maybe there was some confusion over the phrase "screen
saver." ]
-----
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to
a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that
looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
-----
This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached.
He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling
back and forth.
-----
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
[Editor's note: No, I don't believe this one either.]
-----
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
----
Here's the set up:
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message
comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your
television screen."
Comment from Induhvidual:
"How do they know what size screen I have?"
------
A fun thing to write on a restroom stall, if in fact we were people who
write things on restroom stalls:
Left wall: Right wall:
-------------------------- --------------------------
INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES
see other wall see other wall
Induhvidual Song
----------------
DNRC Saint Diana Wales submits this song for Induhviduals:
(Sung to the tune of "Unforgetable" by Nat King Cole)
In-duh-vidual, that's what you are
In-duh-vidual, not up to par
Like a light on when nobody's home
You think a "hard drive" is traffic heading home
Never before
Has someone been more...
In-duh-vidual, in every way
And forever more
That's how you'll stay
That's why it's just unforgiveable
There are so many Induhviduals
blah, blah, blah
Usage: Hum or whistle the theme to this song when you are in the
presence of Induhvidualism and wish to indicate it to another DNRCer.
----
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail because I'm too nice to say
these sorts of things.
Dear Dogbert,
I have noticed that the DNRC newsletter is becoming too commercial. An
increasingly large percentage is wasted with advertisements for Dilbert
products. Please correct this or I will cancel my subscription!
R. Bullock
Dear Mr. Buttocks,
Thanks for your valuable observation about the FREE Dilbert Newsletter.
I didn't notice that the FREE Newsletter had a commercial component.
It's probably a clerical error.
If you send me your address I'll apologize personally about the
commercial content of the FREE Dilbert Newsletter by sending you one of
the new Dilbert greeting cards from Hallmark, the full line of which is
available in a store near you.
On second thought, if it's already in a store near you, it would be
faster if you go get it yourself. If the store tries to make you give
them money, threaten to stop being a customer. You don't have to stand
for that sort of shoddy treatment.
Dogbert
----
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am the president of the Rhode Island Philately Society. We are having
our monthly "Stampboree" and wondered if you would draw some cartoons for
our announcements. I can't pay you anything, but you would be invited to
attend the event. It's a great place to meet intelligent people.
Bob
Dear Blob,
Mr. Adams is normally very busy. But nothing could be more important
than helping people who worship defective postage stamps. Count him in!
And I'm sure he will want to attend an event with a bunch of lonely guys
who stand around saying things like, "Look at this! It's never been
licked!"
Dogbert
Scott's Trip Report
-------------------
This is being written during my whirlwind book tour to promote The
Dilbert Principle. I will give you a summary of each location I visit so
you don't have to go to any of these places yourself when you write a
best-selling book.
Philadelphia:
My escort (not what you think) drove me past the little plexiglass shack
that contains the Liberty Bell. From the road I could make out a large
crack, which, it turns out, was the backside of a huge tourist with
sagging pants who blocked my view of the bell. It was bigger than I had
imagined.
Chicago:
This is a difficult city for a vegetarian like me. Most of the
restaurants have three choices for how you can have your cow prepared:
1) Dead, 2) Dying, 3) Really pissed-off. Chicagoans aren't buying into
the "well done" concept that is being hyped by the liberal media. Much
of my time was spent arguing that fish and chicken are not vegetables in
the classic sense of the word.
Minnesota:
They call it the "Land of 10,000 lakes." I was immediately suspicious of
this state because it seemed like 10,000 is too round a number to be
true. Could this state be so boring that all they have to boast about is
the number of holes filled with rainwater?
Upon further investigation, it turns out that the lake thing is all part
of an elaborate plot to keep people from moving into their secret
paradise. Further evidence of a conspiracy: the temperature in
Minnesota is actually 60 to 75 degrees all year long! But the weasly
residents go out of their way to tell you that you came on "...the only
nice day this year. Normally it's 400 degrees below zero and your tongue
breaks off if you try to say any word with a hard consonant in it."
Except for being liars, the Minnesotans are nice people. But I never got
used to their mumbling.
Texas:
I've heard that everything is bigger in Texas, so I was really looking
forward to my shower. But it was a lie. I still had to use my hands to
adjust the shower knobs.
It's so hot there in the summer that the weather report is expressed in
terms of how many minutes you can be outside before being killed by the
sun. The weather yesterday was four minutes.
New York City:
No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the
same thing: a yellow taxi cab.
But the thing that makes up for the bruises, that makes me forget the
pervasive stench, that makes me appreciate the oppressive humidity and
the grey crust on my lungs, is the lovely disposition of the residents.
Strangers on the street will walk right up to you and ask questions like,
"Are you looking at me?" and "Do you want a date?" You don't get that
kind of caring from aloof midwesterners.
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
-------------------------
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you
who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of
you.)
The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialog or long
stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you
can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And
I'd love to see it.
Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to
conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never
disclose names.
Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day
in that period.
Thanks!
Dilbert and Dogbert Investment Opportunities
--------------------------------------------
Many of you have all the food and shelter that you need and still have
some money left over. That money should be wisely invested. This can be
a bewildering task, trying to sort out all of the complicated
alternatives like mutual funds, t-bills, convertible debentures and
variable annuities. It's enough to make your head spin. Fortunately
there's one easy-to-understand, reliable investment that is right for
everyone: Buying Dilbert crap.
For your investment convenience I have listed the many sources of fine
Dilbert investments that are available to you.
Newest Dilbert Books:
- "The Dilbert Principle"
Hard cover, business themes, #1 NY Times Best Seller
HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-787-6)
- "Still Pumped from Using the Mouse"
a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93
Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3)
Upcoming Dilbert Books (due October 1996):
- "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook"
Hard cover, in handbook format, text and comics
HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-788-4)
- "Fugitive From the Cubicle Police"
Compilation covering 9/28/93 to 2/22/95
Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-2119-2)
Calendars due in stores this Fall from
Andrews and McMeel: 800-826-4216
- Page-a-day
- Wall calendar
- Engagement calendar
- Datebook
Mugs:
- United Media web store:
www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434
- Signals Catalog: 1-800-669-9696
- Gift and book stores, from OZ: 816-932-6543
- Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605
Stuffed Dilbert and Dogbert:
- United Media web store:
www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434
- Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696
T-shirts, sweatshirts
- Retail stores, from Quality Classics: 800-735-7185
- Retail stores, from Logotel: 410-884-3948
- Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605
Caps
- Retail stores, from Quality Classics 800-735-7185
Neckties and boxer shorts (silk and polyester)
- Retail stores, from Ralph Marlin: 800-922-8437
Neckties (Dilbert-like tie with flip-up feature)
- United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434
Suspenders
- Retail stores, from Rainbow Connection: 800-500-7877
Mousepads and wrist rests
- Computer and business supply stores, from Ring King
Visibles: 800-272-2366
- Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.
(mousepads only): 816-274-7605
Framed, signed reproductions of select strips from
Classcom: 514-747-9492
- Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696
Framed, UNsigned reproductions of select strips
- United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
US: 800-882-6450. International: +1-612-948-5434
Magnets
- Postcard magnets from Global Imprints: 770-492-0406
(these can be mailed using a $0.33 stamp).
- Packaged sets from Caryco: 206-325-2767
- Individual magnets from Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605
Animated Dilbert videos
Cohen/Gebler Associates
US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242
- Meeting openers (various topics)
- Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test
Custom internal company communication programs
using Dilbert
Cohen/Gebler Associates
US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242
- Employee training
- Internal communications
- Employee meetings/events
From Hallmark, Inc. and available in selected
stores: 816-274-7605
- Greeting cards
- Playing cards
- Lunch bags
- Memo pads
- Self-stick notes
- Stickers
- T-shirts
- Mouse pads
- Mugs
- Paper prints
- Magnets
From OZ, available in selected stores: 816-932-6543
- Mini books
- Gift books
- Postcard book
- Mugs
- Bookmarks
Post-It brand notes
- Retail stores, from 3M: 612-736-6965
Medical and dental client communications
from Smart Practice: 602-225-0595
- Postcards
- Re-call cards
Dilbert Books backlist
----------------------
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material
about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)
"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
first year), Andrews and McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)
"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material
on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)
"Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews
and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)
"It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation
covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-0415-8).
Check with any bookstore for the books above. If that fails, call the
publisher, Andrews and McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail.
(International callers use +1-816-932-6700)
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,200
papers in 35 countries.
The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day.
I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless
you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all,
it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it
means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one
I like.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at
Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from
1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an
engineer by education; I did the MBA thing.
I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school.
The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We
were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite
what your friend says, I don't know him/her.
Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that
neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is
looking.
The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up
like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to
control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.
The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but
his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified.
Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do
for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from
MIT.
Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
---------------------------------------------------
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
+1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to
use the strip or the characters.
About the Dilbert List
----------------------
It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the
cost of your own e-mail.
I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this
newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my
personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please.
The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel
like it" which should be about three or four times a year.
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail
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Unsubscribing
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Getting Old Newsletters
-----------------------
Old newsletters are only available on the Dilbert Web site:
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I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I
told you.
Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter
--------------------------------------
If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send
e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still
scottadams@aol.com
If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since
only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying
you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature."
Reprinting This Newsletter
--------------------------
Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds
of good netiquette.
Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
Scott Adams
O-
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