[19] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 13.01
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (scottadams@InterNex.NET)
Wed Dec 11 18:57:38 1996
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 00:59:46 -0800 (PST)
From: scottadams@InterNex.NET
To: dilbert_list@custmail.InterNex.Net
Dilbert Newsletter 13.01
------------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: December 1996
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- Dogbert's Healing Powers
- Party Tips for Induhviduals
- Gifts for Induhviduals
- More True Tales of Induhviduals
- New Year's Resolutions for Induhviduals
- If Star Trek (tm) was managed like Dilbert
- World's Best Sandwich
------------------------------------------------
** If you're on the list and don't get your copy right away, be patient
or check http://www.unitedmedia.com. I'm way behind in updating the
mailing list.**
DNRC Status Report
------------------
The ranks of DNRC have swelled to 150,000 inexplicably attractive and
frighteningly intelligent members.
I think this explains the recent drop in ratings for the Baywatch
television series. With so many DNRC members among the general
population, let's face it, the Baywatch crew starts to look a bit
ordinary.
Now we have enough members to form our own Mars colony without a huge
risk of inbreeding. Eventually we'll be able to escape this
Induhvidual-infested ball of stupidity called earth. That's a long term
plan, but it's proceeding well.
A DNRC Covert Operations team has planted fake bacteria fossils in a Mars
rock, thus getting everyone excited about spending tax money on
Mars-bound spaceships. Once the Mars colony is built we can decide
whether we want to live there ourselves or just ship the excess
Induhviduals up there for storage. Either way, it's best to put some
galaxy between us and the six billion Induhviduals who are not actively
fluffing our pillows and mowing our lawns.
[If you're joining the party late, non-DNRC members (the Induhviduals)
will all become our domestic servants after Dogbert conquers the world.]
DNRC currency
-------------
In the last newsletter I introduced the new DNRC currency called the
Pennybert which was planned to have this Latin inscription: Ille Albus
Canne Vinco Homines. It's supposed to mean, "The white dog conquers
humankind."
Many people wrote to point out the errors in this Latin phrase. Here's
an example.
Dear Mr. Adams,
As a beginning student in Latin I was quite excited to
read that the DNRC currency will have a phrase in Latin
on it. I wrote it down and took it to my professor. He
said that the grammar in it isn't correct. He suggested
the following:
DOGBERTUS ORBEM TERRARUM VINCIT
What do you think?
I'm no Latin expert, but I think this new version looks suspiciously like
it might be saying, "Dogbert and Roy Orbison will live in a terrarium
with Vincent Van Gogh." And that makes no sense to me.
While I'm in favor of precision, unless it requires effort, I must point
out that there's an inherent logic flaw in having Latin professors
correct the Pennybert inscription. First, bear in mind that after
Dogbert's takeover, all Latin professors will be pruning our shrubbery,
so their motives and credibility are suspect.
Secondly, Latin is a so-called "dead language." It takes a lot to kill a
language. There are countries the size of my kitchen that have their own
healthy languages. Clearly, if Latin was useful in its normal form, it
would be alive today. Therefore the language must be defective. I don't
see much risk in changing it. What's the worst thing that could happen
-- Latin will become unpopular?
Thirdly, and most importantly, after Dogbert's takeover DNRC members will
all be infallible by definition. So it doesn't much matter what the
Pennybert inscription says because it can't be wrong. So I say we keep
the original inscription and let's all agree that Latin is defective and
not us or the Pennybert.
Dogbert's Healing Powers
------------------------
Here is a true story of the healing powers of Dogbert, reprinted here
with permission.
Dear Scott,
Recently I was in the Intensive Care Unit with double
pneumonia and lots of other yucky things. It was getting
pretty "Chicago Hope" in there and I started to go into
shock and, well, die, when the priest said, "C'mon Cath,
you can't leave now or you'll never know whether Dogbert
solves the year 2000 problem."
(I've been in here awhile and he sometimes helps me access
the Internet via my bedside PC.) I'm sorry if this
embarrasses you, but Dogbert really saved my life and I
figure I owe him (and you) at least a thank you note...so,
thanks.
Love,
Cath Perry
I think there is a lesson here for all of us: Dilbert products save
lives. But I don't recommend that any of you wait as long as Ms. Perry
did. You can also use Dilbert in a holistic, preventative manner.
For example, let's say you wake up in the morning and you're still tired.
That's a sure sign of something terribly wrong with your body. Run to
the store and buy a Dilbert book, then drink some coffee and take a nap.
You'll be feeling better in no time. I guarantee it.
DNRC Enemies List
-------------------
Recently, Martha Stewart was put on the DNRC Enemies "Watch List" until
she provided us with a festive way to dispose of little Poppin' Fresh,
who, as you know, is a mortal enemy of the DNRC. (Some would say he's
half-baked but I think that's wishful thinking.)
Martha hasn't sent in her response yet, but many of you sent your own
ideas. There were too many creative suggestions to list, involving
everything from cordless screwdrivers to catnip, but none of them struck
me as particularly festive. So I'm extending Martha's deadline until the
next DNRC newsletter.
Dilbert Zone Redesign
---------------------
If you haven't looked at The Dilbert Zone web lately, check out the new
design and features. There are difficult puzzles for you and simpler
ones for your manager. And lots of other fun stuff too:
www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
Party Tips for Induhviduals
----------------------------
Despite your best efforts, you might find yourself at an office party
with Induhviduals. Here are some tips you will want to share with them
in order to avoid any embarrassing or dangerous situations.
- If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her
posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing "reduce 75%."
- If you hear someone yell, "Empower THIS!!" try to put some
distance between you and whatever happens next.
- Never ask, "Is *that* your wife or did you cash in some
stock options?"
- If the party is held on site, don't ask for directions.
- When you meet your boss's spouse, never say "Wow, I didn't
know you were married. What's it like to have an open
relationship?"
- Don't put the eggnog in your own flask.
- Don't ask the band to play "Take This Job and Shove It."
- It's never a good idea to use the mistletoe as a fig leaf.
Gifts for Induhviduals
------------------------
If you are trapped into giving holiday gifts to Induhviduals, you want to
appear generous without spending any actual money. Here are some
excellent gift ideas:
- Your used motor oil in a chocolate syrup bottle
- The stuff that Goodwill laughed at and left on your porch
- Soap chips sculpture (Induhviduals love handmade stuff)
- Plastic sandwich bag labelled "emergency rain hat"
- That stapler from the copy machine room
And remember, old lightbulbs decorated with highlighter pens make lovely
tree ornaments.
New Year's Resolutions for Induhviduals
------------------------------------------
The members of the DNRC are perfect this year as usual, but many
Induhviduals need improvement. Here are some New Year's Resolutions you
can suggest to the Induhviduals around you:
- I will not lick the flagpole on a freezing winter day
even if someone swears it tastes like cinnamon.
- I will not comb my eyebrows over my head and try to pass it
off as a full head of hair.
- I will not park in the handicapped space at the bowling
alley no matter how low my bowling average is.
- I will never again joke with flight attendants about the
explosive device in my pants.
- I will not use correction fluid as a condiment.
- From now on, when giving my subordinates positive strokes
I'll do so verbally.
- I will not try to send three-dimensional objects via e-
mail.
Some DRNC Pranks
----------------
- Fill a whiteboard in a conference room with technobabble
charts that mean absolutely nothing and write "Do Not
Erase" on it.
- Set a pager to vibrate and then sew it into the padding of
an Induhvidual's chair. Call the pager often.
- During an office move, have all of your fellow DNRC
members pack one box apiece with their discarded junk.
Label the junk boxes with the address of your favorite
Induhvidual.
- When your boss calls you on the speaker phone, skip
every third word when you talk.
- Collect page-separators from print jobs with various user's
names and then combine them with controversial printouts of
your own devising. Leave them in the printer for the next
person to discover.
- Video Conference Pranks:
Arrange with everyone in the room to freeze and quit
talking all at the same moment.
Look directly into the camera and move your lips as if
speaking, but make no noise.
Have someone off-camera talk while someone of the
opposite sex lip-syncs on-camera.
Induhvidual Sightings
----------------------
The sightings in this section come from DNRC operatives from across the
planet.
Taxi!
The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver
from Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing
out the numbers from one to a
million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of Records.
When the compiler came round to check, he informed the man that he will
need to do it again, as "they have to be written in words, not digits."
[Editor's note: I assume the taxi driver was forcibly relocated to a
nearby city named Not-Too-Brighton.]
So There!
I work with an Iduhvidual who is notorious for leaving work early. A
couple of his "friends" decided to pull a prank on him by constructing a
spreadsheet showing the hours he worked for the last 6 months. The
fictional spreadsheet showed
he averaged 35.6 hours a week (although he's required to work 40). The
spreadsheet was enclosed in a company interoffice envelope with a note
saying he owes the company 260 hours of
flex time.
After this Iduhvidual received the note, he got angry and
created his own spreadsheet of actual hours that he had been tracking
himself. He went straight to the boss to prove that the company was
wrong. His data shows he worked an average of
36.8 hours a week -- not 35.6!
Wrong Store:
I work at a computer retail store. Recently a customer asked a strange
question: "Do you have mouse pads for women?"
(Editor: supply your own joke here)
Don't Ever Change
I needed to make a phone call while at the library. When I asked for
change at the counter, I was told that they didn't give change for the
phone, only for the copy machine. So I asked for change for the copy
machine and she gave it to me.
Wrong Number:
An Induhvidual went to the hospital emergency room. After seeing the
doctor and taking medication, he went to the nurse's station to call home
for a ride. He asked a nurse how to get an outside line to which she
responded, "Pound
nine."
Thinking the nine button must be sticking, the Induhvidual pushed nine
hard and dialed the number. He then got a recording that the call
couldn't be completed. He asked again, received the same answer, dialed
the same number and got the same recording.
Frustrated, he asked the nurse a third time how to get an outside line.
Clearly irritated, she answered through her teeth, "I told you, POUND
NINE!" to which he replied, "OKAY!", balled up his fist and smashed the
phone.
[Editor's Note: Some readers might think this story is an urban legend
and that's probably true. But it doesn't mean that Induhviduals aren't
having this exact confusion everyday. This is why I never serve pound
cake at my house.]
Just the Fax, Ma'am:
This conversation actually happened.
Induhvidual: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine"?
DNRC member: "A little. What's wrong?"
Induhvidual: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,
and the same thing happened."
DNRC member: How did you load the sheet?"
Induhvidual: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open
it and read it."
Group Fax:
A paralegal was given her duties the Monday she was hired. Among other
things, she was responsible for sending out frequent faxes. She was fired
on Wednesday when they discovered that because she didn't like using the
fax machine, she was saving the faxes to send out all at the same
time--once a week, on Friday.
She was indignant because she couldn't see what they were so upset about.
Overpriced?
A clerk at a register in a computer store was questioned as to why a 14.4
fax-modem costs over $400. The Induhvidual clerk seriously studied the
box and replied, "Well, it also has data."
Class Dismissed
I handed out problem set solutions in the class I teach. One girl
immediately took out a highlighter and highlighted the title "Problem Set
Solutions" and the various headings "Problem 1," "Problem 2," etc.
I fear that someday she will manage the top students in this class.
Stranded Motorist
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote
door unlocker -- now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing
to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me.
As I took the key and _manually_ unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries -- it's a long walk."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
---------------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers the annoying mail that I'm too polite to
handle myself.
Dear Mister Adams,
Is there a Santa Claus? My friends say he's just make
believe.
Thanks,
Virginia
----
Dear Virginia:
There was a Santa Claus, but he's dead now, thus
providing a useful lesson on the value of aerobics and
proper diet.
Dogbert
---------------------------
Dear Mr. Adams,
I work for a government organization and can relate
to Dilbert, but this Dogbert character has been
consistently serving as a detraction from what really
could be a very funny cartoon strip. If you must leave
Dogbert in your strip, at least make his off-handed
remarks either relevant or more appropriately humorous.
Claude
---
Dear Clod:
I am very impressed that although you work for a
government organization, you are not only open-minded
and creative but you are an excellent critic of comic
strip humor.
Mr. Adams appreciates your valuable input in the area
of his expertise and hopes that by following your sage
direction, that one day he too can work for a government
organization.
And don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to lick the
stamps before selling them.
Dogbert
Star Trek with Dilbert Management
---------------------------------
Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be
like under today's management techniques.
> After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing
medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf
slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
> Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic
brain
isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's
stripped for parts.
> All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in
Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back
on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
> Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet
decided
that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a
lot.
> As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow
Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
> Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires
all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a
bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
> The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet
Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't
get budget approval for the upgrade.
> As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time
necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to
5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS
(Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
> Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system
logs
indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the
Romulans.
> A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor,
Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data
running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon
freighter 15 minutes later.
> The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and
find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only
getting 3% raises.
On a more serious note:
A Special Holiday Story
-----------------------
Once a year I like to do something that isn't just for laughs. If you'll
switch gears with me, I'd like to share something with you that will help
you find the holiday spirit.
It was 1985. Wendy popped into my cubicle to tell me a little story.
She had recently gone for a lunchtime walk with another secretary, Mary.
They came upon a street person who said he was hungry and asked for some
change. Mary didn't have any change, but she reached in her purse and
gave him the sandwich she had prepared at home for her own lunch.
As Wendy told me the story, there was a brief unspoken pause when we both
thought and felt the same thing -- in all likelihood, that sandwich was
the only food Mary could afford that day.
Let me tell you about Mary. She is a deeply religious woman who was
experiencing a thirty year run of bad luck that would make anyone
question their faith. She was a single mother, working full time and
barely making ends meet. It was not unusual for her to go a day without
eating, though her toddler daughter never did.
Evenings and weekends, as time allowed, Mary used to care for an elderly
woman, cooking and cleaning for her. There was no compensation for this,
nor could the old woman have afforded it. Mary did it because the old
woman needed it and couldn't do it herself. That was all.
Recently Mary tracked me down by phone and asked for some money.
Naturally, it was for someone else -- another single mother who had some
serious misfortunes lately and was trying desperately to keep her kids.
Mary had already given all of her own money but it wasn't enough. As a
last resort, she called me, having heard from media reports that I might
have
the means.
I often think about Mary and the sandwich she gave to the street person
years ago. I wonder if he appreciated it. And I wonder how long it was
before Mary's next meal. And when I think about it I am glad to be a
human being, as long as one of us is Mary. And then I realize her
sandwich has fed me too. Last week it
fed some children and kept them with their mother for the holidays.
If you find something in the sandwich that feeds you too, consider adding
Mary to your holiday greeting card list. Send her a card that says,
"thanks for the sandwich."
Mary's theory is that when you do things for other people, good things
come back to you in unexpected ways. That hasn't happened for her yet. I
think it's time.
To maintain her privacy, I set up a mail box address for this purpose.
I'll have the cards forwarded to her. Yes, she's a real person,
fortunately. I promise.
Mary
1325 Imola Ave West
Box 509
Napa CA 94559
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
-------------------------
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you
who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of
you.)
The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialogue or long
stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you
can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And
I'd love to see it.
Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to
conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never
disclose names.
Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
receiving the newsletter, because I get more than a thousand messages a
day in that period.
Thanks!
Dilbert Products
----------------
I've deleted the lengthy Dilbert product information section from the
newsletter to save space. There's a Dilbert product in almost every
category you can think of, including magnets, calendars, books, stuffed
creatures, apparel and animated business videos. For details on how to
find any of it, send an e-mail message to dil-product@unitedmedia.com
with the subject line of "Dilbert Products." Or check out the revised
Dilbert Zone Web page at www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert. Also check
your local bookstores, Hallmark stores, office and computer supply stores.
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,400
papers in 35 countries.
The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day.
I try to read all of my e-mail but it's a challenge. If you get a
canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are
tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask
multiple questions I often answer the one I like.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at
Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from
1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an
engineer by education; I did the MBA thing.
I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school.
The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We
were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite
what your friend says, I don't know him/her.
Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that
neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is
looking.
The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up
like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to
control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.
The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but
his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified.
Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do
for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from
MIT.
Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
---------------------------------------------------
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
+1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to
use the strip or the characters.
About the Dilbert List
----------------------
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Reprinting This Newsletter
--------------------------
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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
Scott Adams
O-
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1,491 messages to read today. I need a hand massage.
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