[947] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Newspaper advertisements
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Jun 27 11:09:59 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 11:04:06 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
I think this made the rounds before...
-Drew
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 00:05:20 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: Larry Byler <lbyler@hpmpea2.cup.hp.com>
.......................................................................
Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain,
and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
