[791] in Humor
HUMOR: Musical Terms
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Mar 27 09:43:13 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 1995 09:39:09 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 15:17:36 -0500 (EST)
From: Brian Kidder <monty+@CMU.EDU>
[forwards deleted]
Musical Terms (fwd)
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time -- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when
company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or
"Dori-toes"
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal
schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer
truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty
Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in
at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in
your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn!
That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
