[790] in Humor
HUMOR: How to Annoy a Conductor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Mar 27 09:37:56 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 1995 09:32:23 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 15:18:49 -0500 (EST)
From: Brian Kidder <monty+@CMU.EDU>
[forwards deleted]
A PLAYERS GUIDE FOR KEEPING CONDUCTORS IN LINE
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it
might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship.
It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's
goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development
of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional
methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the
pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on
you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and
spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the
lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this
when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra
reeds. Percussion players must NEVER have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're
there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every
opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions.
Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety
of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best
because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe
and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your
C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had
no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you,
pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is
emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes
will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor
know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief
occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors
are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so
challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein
recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a
thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the
first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face
and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able
to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing
the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the
conductor which is correct until backstage just before
the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early
so that others will become restless and start to pack
up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at
all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument.
Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing
something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of
life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
***************
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds
music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of
Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American
educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
