[775] in Humor
HUMOR: Tired of waiting for Windows 95?
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Sun Mar 19 12:29:01 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 19 Mar 1995 12:23:45 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 21:53:24 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: cal (Cal Collier)
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at
which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user
will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the
Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset
of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft
spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another
momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible
leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area
will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of
Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this
remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has
already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as
a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM
has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't
say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.
