[769] in Humor
HUMOR: Memorable Quotes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Mar 16 11:26:34 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 1995 11:23:42 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Rho-Z <erosenbl@CS.Trinity.Edu>
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 00:38:13 EST
From: Latin Lover <ER6979A@AMERICAN.EDU>
THE WORLD'S GREATEST GAFFES -- NO, NOT _ALL_ BY DAN QUAYLE
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items
for the police."
Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export
of various products abroad
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on
the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games
in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Government Ability to Communicate After Death:
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
Illinois Department of Public Aid
On Criticism:
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
a congressional candidate in Texas
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
Wish--To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed
on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men
and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the
indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by
the House instead of in a regular court
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
about the Holocaust
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an
early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in
the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment
of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit
on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
Copyright 1995: Caine Enterprises - All Rights Reserved. okiluvyabyebye!
